Narcissistic? Or not help please sorry really long one

[Liz321]

Hi Im a single mum split with my children’s dad when they were really young and stayed single for a number of years. I ended up back in touch with my childhood sweetheart and we arranged to meet up. He was going through a divorce and also had a child. we hit it off straight away and spent as much time together from there on. He was everything I’d been looking for but felt too good to be true. He moved in with us quite quickly and we talked about having a child not long after. He’d take me to fancy restaurants, days out with our children, shower me with gifts, pay bills etc. around a year later the cracks started to show we started arguing a lot, he’d criticise my friends, and then he said we needed a break so he went to stay with family. During this break he reached out to a random girl on social media trying to arrange a date. A few months later he was back and we were trying to mend our relationship. This behaviour went on for years we would go on a break and a different girl would suddenly pop up on his socials and he’d deny everything. Eventually he blocked me off all socials and said it caused too much trouble. Slowly over time the gifts stopped, there was no intimacy, constant arguments. He moved out and we ended up on and off for a around 2 years but not living together before splitting up for good. A couple of weeks later he met a woman whilst he was on a day out with his child and they ended up dating for a couple weeks. (He told me about this woman basically but told me lie after lie for how they met to how and when it ended etc) A few months later he was back in contact with me and we ended up dating again. Now almost a year down the line and once again the arguments start, he’s secretive, no intimacy, not wanting to spend time together etc and talking about another woman constantly, i ended it and reached out to the woman he started seeing when we split and turns out he’s told me lots of lies. He chased after her, love bombed her and told her he wanted a child with her. (After making excuses for years why he didn’t want them with me) he also got back in contact with her whilst we were first dating again. she seen the red flags and ended things with him. Even now he’s calling here a liar and telling me he didn’t tell me the full truth of their relationship because he didn’t want to hurt me. Over the years he’s liked other women’s pics and commented how beautiful they are on socials whist not paying me a compliment. He’s told me not to have any lip fillers Botox etc but every woman he goes for has all this. My friends and family have disliked him for such a long time and I’ve always had a gut feeling that he’s stringing me along until he finds someone better. Anyway Im done for good but anyone else been in a situation like this and wtf is wrong with these men?

I can barely read that without paragraphs.

No, he isn't a narcissist. What if he was a narcissist? Would that make it more excusable.

Why did you waste so much time

I don’t want to be a dick but it would be a lot more productive to think less about his motives, second guessing his views on Botox etc and more on why on earth you put up with his antics for so long.

Why you moved him in with your kids so early on. Why you took him back the first time he started seeing another woman. Why you’d tolerate him talking to other women. Why you ever considered giving an innocent baby the useless twat as a father. Why you didn’t listen to your family who see the deadbeat loser for what he really is.

You’ve made a series of appalling choices, exposed your kids to a bad relationship and a horrible man, wasted years and years of your life and you’re still obsessing about him instead of promising yourself you’ll never ever take him back even if he’s the last man on earth.

You are worth so so much more. Everyone is.

because he lied and made excuses about these other woman and not are girls girls they will lie for them.
He made me feel like I was just paranoid? and always had me second guessing myself?
Maybe it’s a Trauma bond? (He was there through some really bad times for me when grief almost destroyed my life)
so like a fool I always took him back. I already feel and look like an idiot and I am trying to drag myself back up from the lowest point of my life so your little snide remarks dont help the situation one tiny bit.
As for my children they haven’t been exposed to anything other than a beautiful childhood filled with love and laughter.
I moved him in early because we already knew one another since we were children knew each others families etc, he was constantly in mine and having a few issues with the place he had at the time so when it came up in conversation it seemed like an ok idea.
Obvs now it wasn’t. Because once his feet were under the table he changed. You clearly haven’t ever been manipulated or been in any kind of toxic relationship so not really one to judge but thanks for replying x

Look, he chose you because you were vulnerable, he’s conditioned you to think he was your savior, he sweet talked you, promised you things to keep you hanging on -

You see the pattern and you keep going back.

Men like this are incapable of love

Man like this need a new bed to sleep in when they sence one relationship ending - you pulled away - his reaction - quickly find another numpty to pay his bills.

Stop asking why - and start asking more of your self and wanting better for your children.

He won’t ‘win’ stop fighting over scraps.

Well the point is you didn’t really know him at all. Knowing him as a child doesn’t mean you had a good handle on who he’d become as an adult.

The psychology language you use is interesting, trauma bond and narcissism etc, it’s like you’re trying to elevate it to something more than him being a twat and behaving like a twat.

And of course it’s had an impact on your children. He moved in very quickly, so did his child presumably, massive upheaval for everyone, then they moved out, it’s been on again off again for years and this recent break up has you very down and depressed. How could that not be impacting them?

That’s not what trauma bonding means.

TBH what this guy is or isn’t and how he feels about you is much, much less important than figuring out why you allowed it to happen.

I don’t say that to be mean to you, or to excuse his behaviour which is very obviously shitty.

But OP, if you had self-worth, boundaries and respect for yourself you could meet 500 versions of him and not fall for it.

You can’t change him, or the next guy you might meet you could be like him. You can only change yourself - but that will change every relationship you ever have in the future so a much better pay off in terms of effort than trying to figure this one loser out.

I think words like narcissism and trauma bonds are well over used these days. Not every failed relationship is due to a narcissist. However, he is clearly a d* and treated you badly and you are well rid. Thank god you broke the cycle and now you get to move on with your life, hopefully wiser for your future choices.

It's become fashionable to try to apply psychological labels ('narcissist', 'trauma bond' etc) to people and relationships, but I don't think it's necessary or helpful, unless you are a trained psychologist.

He's just a cheat, a liar and a shit partner, and for some reason you have ignored the evidence of your own eyes and allowed him to string you along and treat you badly.

Why waste energy trying to unpick why he (or any man) is like this? It doesn't matter why. If a man treats you badly, dump him and move on. Full stop.

By trying to put labels on the shitty behaviour you tolerated is making excuses to justify why he’s a twat. No he’s a narcissist and you’re not trauma bonded - that’s just using buzzwords.

He's a common or garden lying cheating wanker who treated you like crap.

Rather than wasting headspace trying to make excuses for him, use that time and energy to work on yourself and why you ignored so many red flags

I moved him in early because we already knew one another since we were children knew each others families etc.

Knowing someone and being in a relationship and living with them are two very different things. I’d be very surprised if your children weren’t affected by the revolving door nature of your relationship with this man and the speed that he moved in.

Stop trying to diagnose this twat it’s just an excuse to obsess over him even more. You need to own the things that you can and could control. Narcissism and trauma bonding are just words to let yourself off the hook. You ignored red flags and your energies would be better spent on understanding why, instead of making up plausible excuses.

And do better for your kids. Moving a random bloke into their home after a few months is madness and selfish. They deserve better

1. stop diagnosing him, he’s just an asshole and you need this to be over permanently
2. you and he are modelling the most dysfunctional relationship to your DC and this needs to stop.
3. our job as an adult is to bring up our DC to be independent adults, this includes showing them what good boundaries and self respect looks like