Why is she like this?

[draineddaughter]

My mother that is. I just can’t take anymore of her. She is so horrible to me. After years of trying to figure her out I’ve come to the conclusion that she just a horrible narcissist. I’m the eldest of 3. My brother is the middle (invisible child)and the youngest is my sister who is the golden child, they are completely enmeshed with one another it’s quite sad really. I will be excluded from days out, weekends away & holidays. I might get the odd pity invitation to things but when I go I just have to put up my mother trying to belittle me & bring me down that I very rarely take them up on the invites. My sister turns a blind eye & if I react in any way she’ll take my mother’s side. It’s so hurtful as I practically raised my sister, my mother only became close to her when she became old enough to be her friend & I was totally discarded. The way my mother switches her opinions to suit which one of us she’s speaking to is soul destroying, if something happened to me she would act as if it’s nothing but if it happened to my sister it’s huge deal & she’ll get completely involved in it. She ignores my achievements but brags about my sisters. We were walking past a restaurant in London one day & she said “oh isn’t that a fab restaurant, remember you brought me there for my birthday” to my sister. I said “actually it was me who brought you there” and she “oh was it you who brought me there? Actually it was just ok”.. This kind of thing happens regularly she keeps bringing up gifts that I’ve bought her or my dad (things they wanted) and she’ll say oh I don’t even want that. Just bad mannered & rude, I’m so sick her ungratefulness, I spend my time with her snappy & in a bad mood. I end up drained and depressed for days afterwards. I’m very low contact the last 10 years. I could go on & on with the things she has said to me that are just viscous, I feel I’m not present for my kids because I’m dealing with this in my head constantly. I’m so fed up & just needed to vent.

Mine is very similar - how she made me feel just consumed me. I would feel irked at everything about her and then I'd feel so guilty for feeling like that. we are supposed to love our mothers so I must be an awful person.
I booked myself in for some therapy - initially to cope with her better and get rid of this guilt and anger towards her.
The therapy taught me that she is a narcissist, always has been, was unavailable to me as a child and I carried that for years and years. Knowing what she was then enabled me to educate myself on being raised by a narcissist parent - and it all fit. It was a proper lightbulb moment!

My reading material that really resounded with me was 'Difficult Mothers' by Terri Aptor - may be worth a read?

I no longer feel guilt and I no longer carry anger for her - I feel sorry for her really. I cannot ignore all of her cruel comments or jibes at me but I do limit my time with her. Sadly, she moved in with me before my lightbulb moment. Had it have been after, she would have been going to a retirement flat somewhere and I would have visited once a week (or less). She is very lucky that despite how she treated me/tries to still treat me, that I am caring for her in her bitter and twisted old age 🙄

A parent has no more right to our time or attention than a friend or partner if they cannot be kind, considerate and caring. Would you go out with the friend that behaved like that towards you?

Wishing you peace from what sounds like a toxic mother 💐

That sounds so hard. Do you think you would be able to distance yourself from her more? How does your brother feel about it all - does she treat him the same way?

I suspect your mother loves and hates herself.

She loves (for a certain value of 'love') your sister as a reflection of herself, I suspect. Everything good.

And all her negativity is dumped on you. You can't do anything right, because she wants to dislike you and dispise you (if I'm right), as the personification of everything she doesn't like about herself.

What was her own mother and their relationship like?

I don't know if it makes it better or worse that it isn't about you (If this is the case). It's all about her. Which kind of negates you, so of course you try harder to get her to see you and love you.

Bit in the long run, heartbreaking and painful as it is, you may be better off than the feted youngest daughter, who is her mother's prisoner. She only has to look at how you're treated to realise what will happen if she doesn't keep her mother happy ... and just like you, she desperately wants her mother's love I suspect. Certainly when she was younger.

I could have virtually written your post. A lot of similarities. It’s really sad and I know how you feel.

Thank you for your comments. My brother had behavioural issues as a child, possible ADHD which was ignored and he was left to his own devices, he got into a bit of trouble but nothing too major. He’s a bit socially awkward and immature but he has a good heart and seems to be staying out of trouble, I don’t see much of him because he lives at home & I don’t go there much these days. I meet my dad in mutual settings because I can’t have a conversation with him without her getting involved. She treats him like rubbish, belittles him in front of everyone including the grandkids. It’s horrible really..

My poor dad was treated the same - I was very close to my dad and hated the way she was with him. I sometimes wished that he would 'man up' a little and tell her to pack it in - but he always put up with it.
I think he was just grateful that someone had married him!

In his final couple of years, he used to tell me how he was struggling with her nastiness, but he was far too loyal (like a Labrador) to ever do anything about it. He wanted me to take her out more and give him some peace and quiet - but as much as I loved him, I couldn't do that to myself. He would just shut himself away in his bedroom and try and avoid her.

But, before he died, he made me promise that I would look out for her and make sure she was okay when he had gone. Which is what I am trying to do. Fulfil that promise to him. I don't look after her because I love her.
I do have empathy for her - she is an old lady now (a bitter, nasty one) but I figure that her past must have been pretty awful to make her turn out like this.

She likes nothig better than to try and tarnish his memory now - he was a depressive (no wonder) and he made her unhappy and miserable. It was all his fault. She will try and tell me all the bad things he did (in her opinion) and I tell her that I am not interested. That is probably the only part of her that really bothers me now - but I have learnt to walk away when she is trying to do that. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I am not her best friend or her counsellor (not that she has any friends or a counsellor) and that he was my dad and it is inappropriate to talk to me about him like that. I don't want to hear it.
She has gotten the message at long last but now just talks about how awful the lady in the shop is or the neighbour or her own sisters - everyone is just mean to her because in her eyes, everyone is to blame except her.

What a sad and lonely life these people must lead.

God nightmare op. Mine the same. What age is she. My aunt said she tolerated her over the years but hard. That says it all. I dont tell her much now. Moods erractic. If you do 5 things she wants ten. I could keep going. Lol

For your own sanity, stay away. I am very low contact with my mum now. No phone calls, the occasional txt but I'm so done with being treated like shit. She doesn't get to invade my personal space and destroy the peace anymore.

The FOG has complete lifted, (fear, obligation and guilt, which many children of narcissistic parents are under.

You have to grieve the mother that you never had.

My Mother had a clear favourite, I looked on her as someone who I could have a laugh with occasionally and admired because she was incredibly successful professionally later in her life. I’m one of 5 sisters. Myself and one other accepted her for what she was and honestly our lives were fine, the other two were like you, it’s just a waste of time and they spent decades being upset. The favourite then inherited her relatively decent size estate. The two that always hated the unfairness were devastated, one came close to some sort of breakdown. I mean it was hardly a shock. I think it was easier for us because we all discussed it. As DH says your family was some sort of social experiment.

The only thing you have some real control over in your life is your reactions. Not others, your health, love, money. Too many external forces.