Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me interpret this, please

23 replies

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 01:02

NCd for this.

I need your help with interpreting some comments/situation.

Background:

I filed for divorce in 2023. I haven't gone ahead with it yet for (complex) financial reasons and because my DC was young anf my MH was poor at the time. It was easier not to proceed with another stressful thing at the time.

I am now in a place where I'm ready to go ahead. DH and I co-parent, the romantic relationship is not something I have been interested in for at least 4 years and I see no prospect of this marriage ever becoming a proper relationship ever again. The reasons are predominantly on DH's side, I don't want to dwell on them here as it's in the past. Enough said that I wasn't supported or treated well by him or his family at a very difficult time in my life and there's no coming back from this. He acknowledges this and there's not much else to say. We still live in one house and get on OK for the sake of our DC, but naturally the house will be sold on divorce and we will live separately.

Few years ago, I can't remember when exactly but I think possibly around 3?-ish? years ago, I met a man at a business event. Let's call him B. We don't work together but occasionally there is scope for some collaboration. B was in a long-term relationship at the time, then got married. We collaborated over the last few years on several occasions and it's always been very good.

I have really liked B from the outset. He's smart, ambitious but also very well grounded and kind. He's a respectful man, he never mansplains, he listens to people and is very supportive. I watched him in various business situations and always thought he was impressive and a genuinely nice guy. B and I share similarities in terms of our background, professional careers, values and general outlook on life. B is also good looking in my opinion. Maybe not my usual type, but he is easy on the eye. When we met, I think we both knew instantly that some attraction was there but we're both sensible people, middle age (40ish now), nobody was on a lookout for trouble. We talked to each other at length several times about various topics and we get on great. From my perspective, I've concluded that whilst the attraction was there, it would stay platonic. Even when my relationship was no longer viable, I never thought to take any steps towards B because of course he wasn't single. B never crossed the line either. It was one of those things that I thought of as we are fond of each other and "in another life" I'd give it a go romantically, but this would never happen in reality.

Fast forward to now. I did not see B for a long time, coming up to a year as our organisations weren't working together much. We stayed in touch sporadically via business emails, always cordial and nothing else to it.

Few weeks ago B and I were at an event together. I feel in the last couple of months I have had my mojo back, I have clarity and control over where my personal life is heading, I'm about to get a promotion, DC is great, I am just in a good place. It possibly shows in the way I carry myself. Anyway - I walked into the event room and the only way I can describe the scene is B looked at me and stopped in his tracks. It was the kind of look you receive on your first date that makes you realise it will be very good. He then looked me up and down and got seemingly embarrassed with himself (I've never seen him like this before). It was like he did this on autopilot. He then said hello and nice to see you again, we briefly hugged - and it was electric. He then blurted out "my gosh, Evelyn, you always smell so amazing". Then went to grab us drinks immediately after. I was stunned. I knew something has always been in the air but as of that moment, it seemed different.

The event was good, we sat chatting to many people and then B invited me for lunch. Again, we chatted for a long time about work and general topics. It was not an intimate conversation, but it was personal at times. lt felt attentive and intense on his part, like he was absorbing every word I said.

We didn't mention our respective wife/STBEXH, but I don't believe this was in any way deliberate - our respective home lives just weren't part of the conversation. I am positive, however, that B noticed I no longer wear my wedding ring (I haven't for months) because he looked at my hand several times.

I love talking to B, it's always refreshing and thought-provoking. I stood up to leave our lunch and he had to go to another meeting, but it felt like he was disappointed we had to go. Honestly, I could have sat there all day talking to him and I wouldn't be bored.

B said that he'd like to catch up with me again in a couple of weeks or so. I said great, sure - without thinking much of it, we're both busy and I thought it'd be few months not a couple of weeks in reality.

3 days later, B messaged me privately via work platform to say how nice it was to see me again, reiterating that we need to get together again in a couple of weeks and that he has a new collaboration proposal. He also referred to a couple of personal things we mentioned such as my holidays etc. He messaged me out of the blue just before we both clocked off for the weekend.

I don't know B's personal situation but I don't think he's the type that would cheat or even leave the door ajar to encourage a prospect of an affair. He just isn't that kind of a man.

Question: does his behaviour suggest he is interested in me personally/romantically? Does it cross the professional relationship line we've enjoyed? Is he sending me a signal and should I see him again soon? Should I ask him about his relationship to find out what's going on? Something has changed on his side, I sense, but I don't know what exactly and I don't know what to do next.

I obviously won't pursue it unless he split up from his wife, not an option. In all honesty, I really like this man and I'm not looking for any kind of one night stand, drama or upset caused to anyone. I also want to protect my own heart and not do anything stupid if I've misinterpreted his behaviour.

Any thoughts, please?

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 04/08/2025 05:13

So far I get friendly (as in I know you) professional vibes.
More work focused than anything esp if he has some exciting project on his mind.
I’m not getting boundary issues from what you’ve said.

JaniceScott · 04/08/2025 05:35

I think you’re going through a very stressful time and this man is a bit of light relief from that. I don’t mean to sound harsh, it’s completely normal to romanticise people and situations when things are tough. He may well have feelings for you, but it doesn’t matter really. He’s married. You’re going through a divorce.

If you really want to protect your heart, you need to stop this in its tracks and focus on yourself and your dc. The time will come for romance, if that’s what you want, but not now and not with a married colleague.

wheresmymojo · 04/08/2025 06:06

I think there’s no harm in meeting up and taking the opportunity to see what his situation is at the moment. That gives you the info you need to understand what the right thing to do is from there.

It sounds like you are basically separated from your husband albeit still to legally divorce and if that’s the case then no issues from your side?

UtterlyButterly2048 · 04/08/2025 06:16

Yes, he sounds interested. But you know he is married. And if he was separated or getting a divorce he would absolutely have found a way to work that into the conversation. He didn’t.
Also, from his point of view, I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with anyone in your current living situation. Too messy.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/08/2025 07:10

Your priority should be progressing with your divorce, selling the house and ensuring your DC is ok - do they know yet that you’re splitting up? This will take up your emotional energy, anything else isn’t fair on your family. Once that is sorted, you will free to pursue a relationship with another single person at an appropriate pace.

Bittenonce · 04/08/2025 07:31

Well - You’ve just got to find out if he’s single. If he is and knows you are, then there’s little doubt what will happen very soon afterwards.
if he’s not, you should just take a cold shower and rinse him out of your head.

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 07:45

To clarify:

  • Yes, my still husband and I are separated, have been for a while and I'm progressing the divorce
  • I am not going through hell with the divorce - I went through hell few years ago when I realised I could no longer stay married after 12 years. I'm done with this part now, we have all accepted it is what it is and we're formalising it now
  • B is not my 'work colleague' and he would never be one because we don't work in the same area, our organisations loosely collaborate
  • My DC are my priority and my husband and I talk to them in an age appropriate manner and will make sure the transition is as smooth as it can be. This advice is not the purpose of my post. My husband is a good dad to DC and we have no conflict of priorities when it comes to them.
  • I am not looking for an emotional crutch for the divorce, I don't need it and I have had my friends' support throughout the worst of it and now.

Interesting comments so far re B, thanks. I am not sure he would've worked any potential split with his wife into the conversation, I think he was genuinely taken aback by the situation when we met - not to excuse it, but perhaps there is more to be said by him at a follow up meeting. I never brought up the split from my husband and I could certainly have talked about it at length.

I think I'll probably have to meet up with B professionally, the question is how do I talk to him and when shall I meet up, I have some control over timings and could bring it foward or delay it by a few weeks if that's how it's better to go ahead.

I'm sorry if all this sounds weirdly calm, I get this is perhaps unusal, but my split is no longer emotional and everybody involved in my post is a sensible adult. B and I are generally cautious? I would say, not head first types, and respectful people.

OP posts:
SonofDeva · 04/08/2025 08:11

This is a tough one as something similar happened to me a few years back.

My wife and I were going through a bad time that went on for ages. Once, a senior manager came to visit our office and even she was younger and of a high grade to me and we got on very well.

She would always compliment me on my aftershave and I would return the favour back. This went for a couple of yesrs and only stopped when she got another job.

You have been through a very tough time to the point your self belief was at rock bottom. Along comes B, who shows you attention and is polite and makes you feel great again.

However, now is the time to move on. As far as you are aware he is still married and the one thing you don't want to do is be the cause of his marriage break up. He might be in the same boat as you.

It is good that someone so nice has shown an interest in you but use that as the spark to start all over again.

As for my wife and I, we are getting along much better now and are actually planning a few days away together - by ourselves!!

Take care and good luck ❤️

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/08/2025 08:14

Ok, so everything is all sorted with your divorce.

You seem to be overthinking this next meeting with B. He is married as far as you know. Have the next work meeting and leave it to him to say something about his situation, mention yours if the opportunity comes up. Thats it.

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 08:21

I think I'm also asking if all this sounds externally as if B is interested in me as a man because frankly I spent 15 years with one man and I'm questioning if I forgot what flirting is (but I feel from my perspective there is interest from B).

OP posts:
gannett · 04/08/2025 08:22

Question: does his behaviour suggest he is interested in me personally/romantically? Does it cross the professional relationship line we've enjoyed? Is he sending me a signal and should I see him again soon? Should I ask him about his relationship to find out what's going on?

His behaviour suggests he could potentially be interested, but as far as I can tell he hasn't crossed any line and hasn't sent any deliberate signals.

If he's still married, he could have been taken aback by feeling the same chemistry you did - you weren't expecting it either - and when he left he could have given himself a shake and resolved not to do anything about it. I think this is something everyone in a LTR has felt.

Or the chemistry you sensed may have just been an old friend who was delighted to catch up with someone whose company he enjoys platonically after a a long time, and anything more sexual was in your head.

Or he may actually be single now and thinks there's potential for something more! On the limited evidence of one catch-up it could be any of these things.

It could also be that he's still married, the chemistry was real and he's up for cheating on his wife - obviously the worst answer as you'd lose respect for him as a friend and there isn't any going back from that. But still possible.

Really you just need to find out if he's still single - asking how his wife is next time should be normal small talk which doesn't have to mean anything - and go from there.

RuffledKestrel · 04/08/2025 08:42

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 08:21

I think I'm also asking if all this sounds externally as if B is interested in me as a man because frankly I spent 15 years with one man and I'm questioning if I forgot what flirting is (but I feel from my perspective there is interest from B).

To me it looks like he probably is interested in something, but you need to work out if it's just a fling, and affair on his part, a rebound or something more.

Personally I would meet up with him like he suggests, and at some point turn the conversation to a more casual and less work focused point.
Just outright ask him "how's family/married life treating you these days?"
His response to that will probably tell you what you need to make an informed decision going forward

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 08:52

This is good advice, thanks. You are right, I'd be disappointed in him if he was open to an affair and if he considered me suitable to be his bit on the side, it would ruin the respect I have for him and a big part of his appeal, I guess. He'd just show to be one of many men thinking with his lower parts when they get to certain age and the thought of that is off-putting to me. If I wanted just sex I'd get it elsewhere too without breaking up anyone's marriage.

OP posts:
SonofDeva · 04/08/2025 09:06

This is a tough one as something similar happened to me a few years back.

My wife and I were going through a bad time that went on for ages. Once, a senior manager came to visit our office and even she was younger and of a high grade to me and we got on very well.

She would always compliment me on my aftershave and I would return the favour back. This went for a couple of yesrs and only stopped when she got another job.

You have been through a very tough time to the point your self belief was at rock bottom. Along comes B, who shows you attention and is polite and makes you feel great again.

However, now is the time to move on. As far as you are aware he is still married and the one thing you don't want to do is be the cause of his marriage break up. He might be in the same boat as you.

It is good that someone so nice has shown an interest in you but use that as the spark to start all over again.

As for my wife and I, we are getting along much better now and are actually planning a few days away together - by ourselves!!

Take care and good luck ❤️

Kidsgotothatschool · 04/08/2025 09:07

It does sound as though he is interested in you but I would be extraordinarily cautious.

You say he looked at your hand several times and would have spotted that you didn’t have a wedding ring, yet didn’t confirm or even drop a hint casually to his status, yet you were having conversations of a more personal nature. That would imply to me he remains very much married but his moral compass is off.

The stereotype for cheating men is always a bit sleazy, flirty, bombastic and obvious but that is far from the truth.

Affairs happen because the other person is attracted to the same qualities as their primary partner was, kindness, sensitivity, family men etc etc.

Seek confirmation of his status and if still married, then you he’s showing you exactly who he is.

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 12:37

Ok. The general consensus is to meet up and get more clarity about his status/see how it goes. Thank you for helping me see the next steps clearer, it seems obvious to me now. I think I was a bit thrown with his recent behaviour and my own emotions and didn't want to make a mistake here. This feels like a fair and sensible route.

It's hard to explain but I met many men professionally (I am in a male dominated industry) and I could easily think of those who absolutely weren't interested (majority) some that would have been had they not been married (but I wasn't interested at all) and then there's B, whom I don't even see daily, weekly or monthly, and yet something different has always been there and it never went away. Been 3-ish years now and if I'm honest the connection feels just as strong now, and seems to have possibly taken a step forward on his part.

OP posts:
JaniceScott · 05/08/2025 06:05

I want to say sorry for my previous post. I was saying it from a place of protecting my own heart I think and I live a tiny life, often making decisions through fear. I’m in no place to give advice to anyone and I’m sorry. I also got facts wrong and made assumptions.

You sound like you have your head screwed on and are proceeding with care. This is a great way to be. Good luck with the meet up, OP.

PixiePuffBall · 05/08/2025 06:11

I wouldn't do anything at all until you've officially divorced. Put a bookmark in this and decide whether to come back to it later

Mulledjuice · 05/08/2025 06:36

CallMeEvelyn · 04/08/2025 08:21

I think I'm also asking if all this sounds externally as if B is interested in me as a man because frankly I spent 15 years with one man and I'm questioning if I forgot what flirting is (but I feel from my perspective there is interest from B).

Maybe. That's all.

It could be - interested but still married so wouldnt go any further. Interested in cheating on his wife. Interested and separated. Interested in the professional collaboration and flirting is just rapport-building by another name.

If youre Interested in the collaboration proposal then meet up and when you do the small talk and holidays or weekend plans are referred to, if he says "we" he means him and his wife". If he says "I" you can ask "does your wife paraglide(or whatever) as well?".

ChristmasFluff · 05/08/2025 08:11

He's married and so are you, even though you don't feel like you are.

This is the equivalent of an 'exit affair' - the final push to get you to divorce. So you either take the risk of getting involved with a married man, probably getting your heart broken in the process, or you listen to your less conscious parts and get divorced.

He'll probably then suddenly seem a lot less attractive.

Use his interest as an ego boost and a motivation, but personally I'd steer very clear of any romance.

dollyblue01 · 05/08/2025 08:59

I think your overthinking this way too much, for one he is possibly married- that is what you need to find out and if he is, you need to let this go.

If not then fine, but I’d be making sure he’s been split from his wife and living separately for some time.

many men show interest it doesn’t mean it’s going anywhere, read some of the posts on here, a lot of men will try their hand if they think they can get away with it. Just progress with caution

Needpatience · 05/08/2025 09:40

Please be wary of what he tells you eg he may say he’s in a similar situation to you but this might not be true. My gut feeling is that if he liked you and was single then he would have found a way to let you know. I suspect he’s married but attracted to you & not sure how to deal with these feelings.

CallMeEvelyn · 05/08/2025 14:17

I agree. I'll keep my guard up and try not to romanticise. If he is interested, he needs to first be available and make this part clear. For now, I'll focus on my divorce and finding a new house.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page