I have never posted anything before so be gentle please.
A very long story that would take pages and pages so I will keep to the point.
I have been in a relationship with my partner since I was 18 (I’m now 35) we have 4 children together. My eldest I had young, when I was 22 and my youngest is only turning 2 this summer.
My elder sister passed away when I was 19 and my mother died also in my last year of uni when I was 22. I had already had my first child by then and my partner was there through it all. When I graduated we came back to our home town and through some bad choices and misfortune we had to move in with my partners parents.
This was several years ago and we are still on a never ending waiting list to be housed by the council.
Our relationship has always been somewhat tense but over years of disappointment and more pregnancies and babies and working I have lost any sort of feeling, even anger now.
I am working full time and have been for the last 12 years. My partner stays at home with the children, which he is not terrible at to give him credit.
I am still resentful though I have had to do the lions share and have subsequently missed a lot of time with the children and sense of control over the parenting they have received while I’m not there. Like I said he is a good parent but I would do/have done a lot differently.
I’m not wanting to blame him, my own choices have led to my feelings now.
I am miserable in my life. I adore my children and don’t regret them in any way shape or form.
I have constant fantasies of running away. Running away alone though without bringing my children.
That sounds so awful I know and there is no way I would ever do it but I think about it way too much. Literally every day.
Sometimes to stop obsessing about it I take myself off every few months somewhere sort of close and pretend to my partner I’m going to work. I take the day from work as holiday and go to the beach or shopping just on my own. I also didn’t mention I don’t have any of my friends anymore and haven’t for years. They still live here in my home town but could never stand my partner and sort of stopped inviting me places. I also was the first to have kids and I think that happens anyway.
I don’t mind being alone. In fact I sort of love it. Anyway, I do this alone away day that’s secret and it makes me feel better sometimes.
I’m coping anyway in my way and being the best mum I can be and staying with their dad until they are too old to care. We will hopefully get this home for them and they can be settled and happy.
That is my sacrifice and i’m willing and wanting to do that for them so they don’t grow up broken.
All of this is only part of my current problem. The following-
i manage a cafe. I have a regular male customer who comes in for a take away coffee every day and has been for just over a year.
In the 17 years I have been in a relationship my head has never turned once. I don’t like most people and have no interest in relationships outside my own unhappy one.
I have no idea what it is but I have a major attraction and connection to this man. We speak every day that I’m working just for a minute or so but it’s got progressively more flirty and now a bit awkward.
I have a sense he may feel it too but not certain and wouldn’t really want to know anyway as I would feel more confused. He would also know I have four children and partner at home if I wasn’t avoiding the subject and any attraction he may have would stop.
The fact I feel this at all is making me feel so guilty towards my partner who I couldn’t imagine being unfaithful to after all our years and everything we’ve been through.
I just feel I’m always denying myself of any happiness and it’s making me bitter and disengaged with my children who do genuinely make me happy.
I wish sometimes I could escape and be with someone who makes me happy or just alone in a happy life and still have my children with me. I know my partner will make it impossible for me to have any ‘happy new life’ if I ended it with him. I couldn’t even leave if I was brave enough I have no where or no one on earth I could go to.
Sorry it ended up being so long. Any advice or thoughts might help as I’ve told no one and have no one.
Thank you for reading.