Nervous about next step

[NopeNotFluffy]

I’ve recently reconnected with someone I knew years back as a friend and we’ve been on a date. Both enjoyed it and so making plans to see each other again.

Have been single intentionally for a while. I’ve done a bit of self reflection and I really don’t want to jump into the physical side without thought- I think sex has always been about validation for me and I’d like to approach it with a bit more intention now.

But at the same time I don’t want to make it that deep, I want it to have fun and be lighthearted! And I fancy him. A lot.

Any advice on what healthy validation looks like? Might sound like a really basic question but I genuinely don’t know what that means. I’m 49 and have had two significant relationships and a couple of flings, as well as too many one night stands when much younger. I want to learn how to do things better now.

I am not sure what you mean by healthy validation. I have always approached sex as something I do without any deep thoughts if I feel like it in the moment. If you create the conditions where sex might happen, but know you can put the brakes on at any point, you can go as far as you feel right in the moment? You don't have to commit to sex in advance.

@BabyCatFace

agree

Not sure what you mean by healthy validation? Having sex with someone shouldn't be about seeking validation, it's about seeking a connection with that person. You've only been on one date, there's no rush. Just don't overthink it and see what happens - there's no right or wrong 'waiting period' to have sex.

So - you like him, and you fancy him.
I think that unless you’re happy to sleep with him and just enjoy it regardless (which it seems you’re uncomfortable about) then you should tread carefully: Just from my experience when I met up with someone I’d known, on and off, since childhood. Always been a spark but never more than friends. Meeting up and finding we were both single, I think made us both think ‘So maybe this is our time, this is what was meant to happen all along’. Total disaster, for various reasons. Old friendships can cloud our objectivity about whether a relationship is really viable, so I’d say try to get that objectivity back before you emotionally commit.

It’s probably about feeling like I am “enough” in the very early stages of a relationship without using sex as the barometer. I have tended to use it as a way of knowing whether the other person has liked me/gain their approval. This sounds so teenage and ridiculous when I wrote it down.

Also what might be influencing it is that for the first time at this stage of seeing someone I am not that comfortable with my body- I have lost a fair bit of weight over the last year due to illness and have a lot more v wobbly bits than I’ve ever had before, plus I am 8 years older/have gone through the menopause since I was last single so there is the physical impact of that - and I’m not as confident about getting naked as I have been in the past.

Plus- I am intentionally being more honest about who I am this time round, (never been dishonest but have been a huge people pleaser in the past, giving potential partners the version of me that they will like the most and hiding the other stuff away- recently diagnosed with ADHD so guess this goes with the masking that I do without even knowing). And so because I’ve been open, any rejection is going to feel absolutely huge because it’s actually of the real me this time.

I feel terribly vulnerable in a way I never have before.

Maybe I am just over thinking it.

OP I took this approach with my current partner, I was very clear that we needed to be as comfortable talking about sex as we were actually doing it! This opened up a lot of conversations with us both about what we liked, didn't like, what we wanted to explore - all sorts! Those conversations are still really fun, but are also really vulnerable too.

Part of my learning from this is I need to 'own' some of my behaviours around sex. Like you, I assumed that if my partner doesn't want sex in that moment, that he has 'gone off' me. It takes a lot of trust in him and myself to work through that - looking back it is ridiculous to think that he'd think that about me. Not because I'm all that or anything, but his actions don't show that at all. He's just knackered from work or wants to do other stuff.

I've developed more 'self soothing' behaviours now so I am more confident and not placing such reliance on sex validating my value or worth. Oh and if you don't feel as sexy right now, then that is ok too! For me, I've found lingerie that I feel great in helps me feel sexy. I don't dress 'for him', but he certainly likes the results lol.

I just wanted to end with - what you are doing is scary and new. You should feel proud of what you'd doing! Keep going :)