Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not see a way forward

11 replies

allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 21:44

Dh and I have an autistic child. It’s challenging and some days are easier than others. To complicate matters I have chronic pain I have to live with and dh works full time and has to take on some of the house work responsibilities, I use to do most of it due to working part time and have always took on most of the parenting.
We have always tried to make the best of things and be a team but it hard, I’m also in menopause so struggling with that too.
recently we have been on very different pages parenting wise (ds is 8). I have a lot of experience working with autistic children, when we found out ds was autistic I did a lot of research and spoke to autistic adults about parenting methods. I’ve always come from the approach of trying to keep Ds anxiety down and working on things with a positive attitude.
Lately dh has been getting cross with ds and being more authoritative. I don’t know if he feels ds needs to be doing more or if it’s because my pain levels have been worse and he’s taken on more on the parenting front and he disagrees with my methods. The issue is ds struggles with being shouted at and will meltdown so whatever was trying to be achieved gets lost in managing the meltdown so I don’t see it as affective.
I’ve tried to suggest things that work for me and dh is very dismissive of my methods and dismisses it as a soft approach. I was away a night for work (very rare) ds had a big meltdown after dh shouted. They rang me and I calmed ds over the phone and suggested a way to manage the situation all fine.
When I got home dh had a massive go me, he basically feels my parenting undermines his. That our son has a positive relationship with me and not him and it’s my fault. And because of the way i parent ds listens to me and not him. He also said I cut corners as a parent, an example was I don’t always brush teeth for 2 minutes (I don’t time exactly but I do roughly 2 minutes)

i feel really hurt that he has such a low opinion of me. And I’m not sure I can forgive him for viewing me in such a crappy way. If I thought It was said in anger /frustration that would be one thing but I think he genuinely believes it.

i said I wasn’t sure if I could forgive what he said and he looked at me and said ‘ok’ and walked out the room.

where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 21:59

So DH is also on the spectrum??
It can be largely hereditary….
Assume he is. Assume you have to accommodate his issues as well as DS. I have to say that autism combined any inherently nasty character traits can be tough to deal with, as the autism can tend to exasperate and concentrate these.
I think it may be best for DS if you play a more active role in parenting, his condition will not be eased by learnt behaviours from his Dad.

Gymbunny2025 · 03/08/2025 22:01

That sounds so tough and you must feel very protective over your poor son? You said you always try to make the best of things and be a team but it’s hard. That’s a good foundation and maybe as you say this is a particularly tough patch. Any chance of redistributing some of your roles so you can both feel less stressed? And some respite for both of you? I hope it works out

Original poster
allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 22:05

Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 21:59

So DH is also on the spectrum??
It can be largely hereditary….
Assume he is. Assume you have to accommodate his issues as well as DS. I have to say that autism combined any inherently nasty character traits can be tough to deal with, as the autism can tend to exasperate and concentrate these.
I think it may be best for DS if you play a more active role in parenting, his condition will not be eased by learnt behaviours from his Dad.

I’m autistic, dh has never been tested (doesn’t want to be)

OP posts:
Original poster
allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 22:08

Gymbunny2025 · 03/08/2025 22:01

That sounds so tough and you must feel very protective over your poor son? You said you always try to make the best of things and be a team but it’s hard. That’s a good foundation and maybe as you say this is a particularly tough patch. Any chance of redistributing some of your roles so you can both feel less stressed? And some respite for both of you? I hope it works out

My health has definitely complicated things. Previously I did most of house/parenting and worked part time now dh has to do more. Dh goes to the gym for down time. I usually get time to rest in the day but it’s harder in the holidays.

OP posts:
Twelftytwo · 03/08/2025 22:08

One perspective is that your dh is doing more parenting due to you struggling with pain and menopause.
How's he doing? How's he coping?

It might be hard for him to be doing lots of the parenting but not having the autonomy to do things in the way he thinks is best. For you to be unilaterally deciding how things are done but him being the one doing it.

Twelftytwo · 03/08/2025 22:09

I'm not saying this is definitely the case but I think you need to try to see it from his point of view

Original poster
allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 22:14

Twelftytwo · 03/08/2025 22:09

I'm not saying this is definitely the case but I think you need to try to see it from his point of view

Thanks I don’t tell him how to parent at all. We always parented based on what I had researched to be the best way. But yes I’ve always done probably 90% so maybe he didn’t notice/care. Now he’s doing more he’s developing his own style but it’s not working I don’t tell him what to do but I will suggest things that work for me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2025 22:17

Well what does splitting up look like? That’s what you’re implying to him, it might be something he’s considering too. You’re already struggling with health issues, work, parenting. If you can’t find a way to work together you’ll each have DS alone, you won’t be able to change his approach when he has DS and you’ll have to manage everything by yourself when you have DS.

Surely a better idea to talk, talk as much as you have to till you reach mutual understanding, have counselling, find compromises and try to be a team.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2025 22:17

Had your DH not wanted to learn the methods or adopt your style of parenting?. What has he been doing parenting wise these past 8 years, he must realise by know that his way of doing things or discipline is not going to work .

Is he grieving for his sons future in some way do you think?.. I’m not excusing his actions here but there are reasons why he is behaving towards your son as he is.

BTW does your so. get any sdfitionsk support at school like an EHCP?. I would also suggest you post this on the Soecisl Needs part if Mn as you will get additional replies.

Original poster
allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 22:27

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2025 22:17

Had your DH not wanted to learn the methods or adopt your style of parenting?. What has he been doing parenting wise these past 8 years, he must realise by know that his way of doing things or discipline is not going to work .

Is he grieving for his sons future in some way do you think?.. I’m not excusing his actions here but there are reasons why he is behaving towards your son as he is.

BTW does your so. get any sdfitionsk support at school like an EHCP?. I would also suggest you post this on the Soecisl Needs part if Mn as you will get additional replies.

I think I’ve taken a lead previously due to having two children before meeting dh. (Ds is dh only child) knowledge and experience of working with Sen children and the fact that i took the time to read up on parenting a asd child. Dh was less hands on so left parenting to me. In past 8 months dh has needed to take on more due to my health. I’ve never hid my parenting methods but it’s only recently he’s started to do things differently which is fine except it’s not working I don’t.
i think dh still hopes/feels that ds will grow up and be ‘normal’ and sees that as his responsibility. But I think it’s better to accept ds as he is and encourage him to grow and develop to what extent he can.
ds is in mainstream school and has a ehcp and funding for full time 1:1.
He knows it’s not working but says it’s me and my parenting style thats the reason his methods don’t work.

OP posts:
Original poster
allwaywrong · 03/08/2025 22:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2025 22:17

Well what does splitting up look like? That’s what you’re implying to him, it might be something he’s considering too. You’re already struggling with health issues, work, parenting. If you can’t find a way to work together you’ll each have DS alone, you won’t be able to change his approach when he has DS and you’ll have to manage everything by yourself when you have DS.

Surely a better idea to talk, talk as much as you have to till you reach mutual understanding, have counselling, find compromises and try to be a team.

Splitting up would be extremely hard for me and hard on ds. And I’m not sure ds would want to go to him.
But if I let him speak to me like I’m crap beneath his shoe then I’m surely sending a message that I’ll put up with anything.
His parenting methods aren’t working because our son doesn’t relate to them, it’s not my fault. And my methods do work yet I’m wrong for using them .

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page