feeling like everything is falling apart :(

[GreenTees]

hi just need to write this down somewhere really, not sure if anyone will read but i just feel so alone

i’ve got 5 kids, my eldest is 17 (not DH’s, from before) then DS6, DD4, DS18mo and DD who’s just 6 weeks. the baby wasn’t planned, was a real shock tbh and with everything going on it’s been really full on. love her to bits but i’d be lying if i said it’s not been hard

DH has got bowel cancer and he’s going in for surgery tomorrow. he’s got to be at the hospital at 7am. i can’t sleep just thinking about it. they were hoping chemo would shrink it more but it hasn’t really done what they wanted, one area’s stayed the same and another might’ve got worse. they’ve said it’s still worth trying surgery so that’s what’s happening now.

it all started in feb when he had bleeding and stomach pain and just wasn’t himself. tests and scans and then the diagnosis. since then it’s just been hospital appointments and waiting and trying to hold everything together for the kids.

he’s only 39. i don’t think it’s sunk in properly for either of us really. he keeps saying he’s fine and trying to joke around but i know he’s scared. i’m scared too. i keep thinking what if the surgery doesn’t work. what if he doesn’t make it. and then i have to stop myself cos i can’t go there

eldest has been amazing. he’s been helping loads with the younger ones, making dinner some nights and putting them to bed when i’m busy with the baby or just need 10 mins to cry in the bathroom. i hate that i’m leaning on him but i don’t have a choice right now. he’s just finished college and should be out enjoying himself not stuck at home wiping bums and finding lost teddies

the baby’s still feeding loads and up constantly through the night. 18mo is cutting teeth again and just cries and throws everything, the 6yo is asking hard questions about daddy and if he’s going to die, and the 4yo won’t leave my side. i don’t blame her, i want to cling to someone too

house is a total mess, laundry piling up, no food in, and i just feel like i’m failing at everything. i keep getting told i’m doing amazing but they don’t see me in the early hours sobbing while trying to wind the baby. i feel like i’m just holding it all together with bits of string

i’ve got no clue how i’m gonna manage with all 5 on my own while he’s in. they said he might be in for a week or longer depending how it goes. i don’t drive so can’t even visit easily. no proper family nearby, his mum’s not well and my mum tries but she’s not up to much these days.

i’m rambling now. sorry. just so tired and scared and needed to say it out loud somewhere.

I can’t imagine how terrible this is for you and how you are feeling. Just wanted to give you a hug and a cup of tea xx

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You must ask help from those around you. Your mum, despite not being able to do much will be able to put some washing on, wash up or sit with the kids. Ask your friends too. They will all want to be there for you at this time, even if it's helping with school drop off or pick up. I'm hopeless at asking for help but have learnt the hard way that people want to be of use at times like these. Please reach out to them.
I sincerely hope that your husband's op goes well. Sending you lots of love and hugs xx

I don't know how you get through that sort of situation, OP, my heart goes out to you. I think you must stop worrying about "failing" in some way. In circumstances like that, if you don't spend all day just howling, and manage to get something done, however small, and get to bed in one piece, that's what success is. Wishing you the very best of luck with his treatment.

"...house is a total mess, laundry piling up, no food in, and i just feel like i’m failing at everything."

I've been in a similar position to you OP on a couple of occasions. It's generally like this. Washing, cleaning and food shopping get done on an "as and when required" basis. In fact we usually shop meal-by-meal with nothing in at all.

Don't sweat it. It doesn't matter. Attend to what does matter (your DH and your baby) and let the rest go hang.

You really are doing well and keeping it all together even if you can't see it yourself.

No advice, but couldn’t not respond here. This must be so tough and I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. However, you are absolutely not “failing” - you are doing all you can in a really difficult situation with a lot of emotional pulls and strains on you. Please don’t think of yourself as failing. As other pp have said please ask for help, friends or family, whoever you have. I think you need and deserve this and am sure that anyone close to you would pitch in for you with this.

This sounds so hard. You’re already doing amazingly well by just keeping going when you’ve got 5 children, and one is six weeks old!

When everything feels overwhelming just give yourself one or two easy things to do that will make a bit of a difference. Something like a ten minute tidy makes quite a visual difference and makes you feel a bit more in control. If all you do is ten mins a day in one room and something laundry related you will feel like you’ve achieved something. I use the ‘Organised Mum app’ to keep me doing a bit each day so nothing builds up. It also helps me make in roads into the chaos when I’ve let things slide for whatever reason. Even if you can’t do anything, remind yourself that it really doesn’t matter, it’s not the priority. Being there for each other is the priority and you’re doing that already.

Have you got local friends who can help you in some way, perhaps by taking the little ones to the park for an hour or something? Or would someone do a shop for you? People will probably be delighted to help once they know what you need, don’t be afraid to ask.

Now make yourself a cuppa, remind yourself how amazing you are and what a great job you’re doing. All the best OP.

we moved back to DH’s hometown last year so i don’t really have many proper friends here yet. people are nice enough and some mums at school say hi but it’s not like anyone i’d feel ok asking for help from really. his brother lives abroad and they aren’t close at all so not really involved. his mum’s still here but she’s got dementia. it hasn’t fully progressed yet but she lives at home with carers. DH told her about the cancer when he was first diagnosed but i don’t think she remembers. he’s close to her in his own way but she’s not in a place to really help with anything

my mum would help if she could but she works full time and she’s already got my sister’s kids living with her (long story) so she’s got her hands full. the one good thing about being here is DH’s best mate and his wife live nearby and they’ve been amazing. he’s the one taking DH to hospital tomorrow morning. i wish i could go with him but i don’t drive and someone has to be here with the DCs

i’m hoping to go in and see DH after the surgery once he’s out of recovery but i’ll have to bring the baby with me. thinking maybe i could take eldest too so he can watch her for 10 mins while i go on the ward, but then that feels a bit unfair on him. he’s only 17 and he’s already doing so much.

DH’s best mate’s wife is having the 6yo, 4yo and 18mo while i go. she’s lovely and said not to worry but i wouldn’t ask her to have the baby too especially with her still being breastfed. she’s never been away from me yet and still feeds a lot in the day

So tough for you. I honestly think if you are able to get some support in the way of a cleaner or mother's help for a couple of hours once or twice a week it might help. Does McMillan service in the hospital have any support. They should do. Hope his operation is a success. You've totally got this.