After a very traumatic breakup with the father of my children in 2008, I dated two guys after but it never worked out. I wasn't really that much into either of them, so wasn't hurt when it ended but still felt used. Anyway so between 2010 - 2023 I was single and celibate as I went completely off men. Well in 2023 I started a new job and for the first time in 13 years I like a man! I fell for a colleague, we were friends first, had amazing chemistry, I never felt more comfortable or confident with anyone ever in my life, the passion was great etc. I was 36, he was 53 and after admitting feelings for each other, we started dating and quickly fell in love. Or so I thought.
He had a young teenage child at the time and was separated from his mother. The last two years were mostly amazing but I did break up with him twice. Last weekend he called me, he's gotten back with his sons mother, I understand as he really loves his child and doesn't want to be away from living with them and the house they bought together but it still hurts. I feel used, as if I didn't even know him at all (he said a few not so nice & untrue things). I gave myself a chance in love again and once again got hurt. I was mostly fine all week, but yesterday I saw he changed his WhatsApp pic to one of him and his son, all smiles and just made me think I'd never have that happy family life with him. We had a miscarriage a year ago and he was unsupportive, I really shouldn't have stayed with him after that. I've come to realise he lied about loving me and wanting to spend his life with we, he's actually a bully, he'd put me and my educational achievements (midwifery degree) down, despite not having one himself (which there is nothing wrong with that). Also, he was never happy for me when I accomplished anything and even when I was offered a new job at a different company two months ago. It reminds me of my children's dad, he used to put me down alot, he was angry when I started university, I felt really bad about myself, had low self esteem and insecure.
The thing is this time around I want to be in a relationship and won't go off men again like I did in my youth (I really regret it now) but how can I even try again? I've been asked out at my new job by a few colleagues, but I won't date one ever again.
I'm not asking a question, just need someone to talk to about it. I am hurt by the breakup, I don't miss him but I'm still hurt. I've deleted his number from my phone. I feel like I'm 22 and not good enough for anyone again. I can't help feeling that no one wants to actually be in a relationship with me. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone as clearly my judgement is terrible and relationships never work out for me. At least this time around I'm not suicidal, as I've realised no guy is worth ending my life over.