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Original poster

Ed and phone history

14 replies

Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 10:40

Hi im looking for advice because this is so personal I cannot speak to anyone. For the last 7 years my husband has had erectile dysfunction, he wouldn't go to the gp for 5 years and I felt like he doesn't want us nought to try, eventually he went n with many investigations they gave him viagra, nothing had changed, he has stopped kissing me, avoid intimacy, when I bring the subject up he get angry, I understand as he says he doesn't feel a man, im struggling because I feel rejected scared and ugly, he says it's not me but im lonely n ge won't try to get help or talk unless I initiate it, im so low n lack any confidence, im dream of what it used to be like. He left his phone whilst at work n I stupidly checked it, it was full of porn n dating websites, he says he does occasionally look a porn but the rest are pop ups, this caused a massive row n he hasn't come home, i was out of order I know, im.not against porn occasionally but I feel it's being used instead if being with me, ive put on weight because I think what's the point he doesn't want me anyway, im so scared and depressed and I know its my own doing, but please can anyone help me

OP posts:
DaisyDoodler · 03/08/2025 10:51

I think porn may be an escape for him as he doesn’t have to face the realities he does with you, rather than that he doesn’t want you. I think he’s trying to avoid feeling less of a man so avoids the reality but has a level of escapism in the virtual world. That’s his release, but doesn’t help you or make you feel valued. Maybe try to reconnect as a couple to get some love and affection back, even if sex is off the cards? Maybe even look at some counselling as it can be difficult to get back to that place when you feel hurt and unloved it is easy to feel angry.

Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 10:52
  1. its not your fault
  2. dont get into a vicious circle of feeling unloved, not taking care of yourself, then feeling bad about how you look. Aim to look in the mirror and say ‘damn, I look good, if he doesn’t appreciate it then fuck him’.
  3. Fuck him, anyway. It ain’t going to get better
MightyGoldBear · 03/08/2025 11:07

So sorry you're going through this op. You might want to join reddit love after porn for lots of helpful resources and support.

A trained therapist in this area would ask him to complete 130 days no porn or masturbation/sex. A complete detox and reset to see if that helps the ED. Without further information like age medication etc it's difficult to know if it's a porn induced erectile dysfunction.

Please seek therapy (betrayal trauma) and support for yourself. Unfortunately this is often a long road and only he can make the changes and be honest. You get to decide what level of involvement you want in all this. It isn't your fault and not your job to fix. Please look after yourself and do what you need to feel safe and happy. You are enough and this is his deficit. Truly nothing to do with you although I know it doesn't feel like that and that is completely natural to feel that.

Original poster
Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:31

But i checked his phone, i betrayed his trust

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 11:41

Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:31

But i checked his phone, i betrayed his trust

He betrayed yours, first? Don’t feel guilty about finding something that shouldn’t have been there. The point is, you know the truth. The truth shouldn’t be something that’s hidden.

Original poster
Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:46

Im so scared im.late 40s, fat and have a teenage daughter, it's too late to start again, I dunno what to do anymore

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 11:52

No, you’re not too old, it’s not too late. To be blunt: You can choose between a sexless loveless marriage with him wanking over porn, or making a new start. I’m not going to pretend it’s easy - but at least you’ll be in control of your life and happiness.

Original poster
Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:55

Thankyou so much for understanding, I really appreciate ur honesty

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:56

Thankyou thats really kind off you, I will look into therapy, im really am in need of it

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 03/08/2025 17:21

Loulou1234566 · 03/08/2025 11:55

Thankyou so much for understanding, I really appreciate ur honesty

I’m sorry, really don’t mean to be hurtful and I appreciate you’re not in a good place right now. But something needs to change to get your head in a better place, get some pride and self esteem back. Remember that his actions (and lack of actions) aren’t because of you, how you act or how you look. It’s all about him. You’ve got hold your head high.

Wrenjay · 03/08/2025 18:05

I can understand how you feel. My dh had ed, looked at porn, masturbated. GP said nothing wrong. Then the shock for me: He had an affair (female). I realise now he did have sexual desires, but not for me. I am stuck now, 6 years later and and nearly 80. Leave while you are young enough to have a good life with someone who will make you happy.

NiceGuy37 · 22/08/2025 22:13

Hey, look I have some experience of this, I'm actually going through ED myself it really does hurt me inside because I don't feel like a man at all just simply at person, maybe not even that.

Until I lost that ability I didn't realise how important it was but honestly it's turned my life upside down. I can barely get a erection. I have been to the doctors a couple of times already not got any the help I wanted.

First time they recommended therapy service which wasn't even tailored to my needs, the second time they prescribed Viagra but I tried it once it did work however it's not a proper fix it's just a drug.

I know the problem is phycological. I can pinpoint I believe how it happened, the thing was we were having sex, I wasn't really getting hard enough to satisfy her I don't believe, she was as making noises or moans but I didn't really feel much.

I have no idea what girls experience compared to men with orgasms and all that but even though she was wet it obviously didn't happen. We tried two times and the third time she wanted to try again however I said I didn't think we should which was ignored she asked me to get on top which I did reluctantly. I wasn't even semi she still made moaning noises but even before we tried for the third time I knew it definitely wouldn't happen.

I pull out very soon on third occasion and then she says to me "Oh your soft" I never felt so humiliated, used and hurt. Since then I stopped getting erections at nighttime and morning and during the daytime you know when I see anyone attractive, it's really getting me down. I felt completely numb in my penis for 48hours after completely lost all feeling down there.

When I tried explaining to my wife of six years been together for 15 she kind of just said she didn't think there was anything wrong and that we should try again. I obviously didn't want to at that point and arranged a doctors appointment. I have always been supportive of her when she wasn't able to come. I always told her it was ok and I know she wanted to but that she could next time no pressure. She would always be like but I didn't come and I was like I love you and always made sure I cuddled her after.

But after my event happened I simply went to bed deeply unhappy not saying a word to my wife and when I told her about how much she hurt me she kind of shrugged it off saying oh I thought you were tired, I said yeah but you never said that.

I'm in a bit of a situation because right now I guess I feel anger towards her because I feel like she broke me and I don't want to be close to her don't really need or want cuddles which she totally doesn't understand telling me that I don't love her if I don't do that, I tried telling her I wanted space.

Iv cried many tears over this. I don't know what to do, hopefully I will get referred to sex therapist, the doctor was like oh I haven't referred anyone in years and insisted on Viagra. Any thoughts I know its long and complicated but I'd like to hear what people say.

It's constantly in my brain when I'm at work and at home. And I'm ashamed the only way I can get an erection is by watching porn. I really think I need professional help

MightyGoldBear · 23/08/2025 17:06

NiceGuy37 · 22/08/2025 22:13

Hey, look I have some experience of this, I'm actually going through ED myself it really does hurt me inside because I don't feel like a man at all just simply at person, maybe not even that.

Until I lost that ability I didn't realise how important it was but honestly it's turned my life upside down. I can barely get a erection. I have been to the doctors a couple of times already not got any the help I wanted.

First time they recommended therapy service which wasn't even tailored to my needs, the second time they prescribed Viagra but I tried it once it did work however it's not a proper fix it's just a drug.

I know the problem is phycological. I can pinpoint I believe how it happened, the thing was we were having sex, I wasn't really getting hard enough to satisfy her I don't believe, she was as making noises or moans but I didn't really feel much.

I have no idea what girls experience compared to men with orgasms and all that but even though she was wet it obviously didn't happen. We tried two times and the third time she wanted to try again however I said I didn't think we should which was ignored she asked me to get on top which I did reluctantly. I wasn't even semi she still made moaning noises but even before we tried for the third time I knew it definitely wouldn't happen.

I pull out very soon on third occasion and then she says to me "Oh your soft" I never felt so humiliated, used and hurt. Since then I stopped getting erections at nighttime and morning and during the daytime you know when I see anyone attractive, it's really getting me down. I felt completely numb in my penis for 48hours after completely lost all feeling down there.

When I tried explaining to my wife of six years been together for 15 she kind of just said she didn't think there was anything wrong and that we should try again. I obviously didn't want to at that point and arranged a doctors appointment. I have always been supportive of her when she wasn't able to come. I always told her it was ok and I know she wanted to but that she could next time no pressure. She would always be like but I didn't come and I was like I love you and always made sure I cuddled her after.

But after my event happened I simply went to bed deeply unhappy not saying a word to my wife and when I told her about how much she hurt me she kind of shrugged it off saying oh I thought you were tired, I said yeah but you never said that.

I'm in a bit of a situation because right now I guess I feel anger towards her because I feel like she broke me and I don't want to be close to her don't really need or want cuddles which she totally doesn't understand telling me that I don't love her if I don't do that, I tried telling her I wanted space.

Iv cried many tears over this. I don't know what to do, hopefully I will get referred to sex therapist, the doctor was like oh I haven't referred anyone in years and insisted on Viagra. Any thoughts I know its long and complicated but I'd like to hear what people say.

It's constantly in my brain when I'm at work and at home. And I'm ashamed the only way I can get an erection is by watching porn. I really think I need professional help

Stop watching porn and/or masturbating that won't help.
Definitely get a trained therapist. I'd reccomend Chris jones therapy
130 days no sex no masturbation/no pornography or sexual content. Take sex off the table.Talk to your partner let them know how you feel and your plan(with therapist). Work on your non sexual intimacy and connection. If you have no medical issue all the answers start waaay outside the bedroom.

NiceGuy37 · 23/08/2025 17:31

MightyGoldBear · 23/08/2025 17:06

Stop watching porn and/or masturbating that won't help.
Definitely get a trained therapist. I'd reccomend Chris jones therapy
130 days no sex no masturbation/no pornography or sexual content. Take sex off the table.Talk to your partner let them know how you feel and your plan(with therapist). Work on your non sexual intimacy and connection. If you have no medical issue all the answers start waaay outside the bedroom.

Show quote history

Really appreciate that response. I have obviously felt alone but finding this forum is a good thing. I'm definitely willing to give it a shot because it's strange and I realised after a short period of time I knew that only talking it over would help.

It means a lot just getting a single response. Thank you for your insight

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