Are we just not compatible?

[Muffinman96]

I have a DD who is 2.5 and I am late 20s. I settled down young and have always enjoyed myself going out, but I lived my best life prior to kids and now I’ve calmed down a hell of about. Mostly because I’m shattered from solo parenting full time so I like to be at home in bed by 9 ha.

new partner is early 30s, never had a relationship, and goes out drinking with friends every given opportunity. Says it won’t be a late one but will be out from 11am until 5am. Sometimes ends up in clubs that I was in when I was 18 which I find embarrassing. Drink excessively and just doesn’t know when to call it a night.

I’ve questioned whether we are compatible for a while now. I have developed really strong feelings. When we’re together it’s lovely and he is so sweet. But once he’s with his friends, he forgets I exist and doesn’t know when to call it a night. DD’s father was a big time pub drinker and we actually split because he would never be home with us as always at the pub drinking.

im sure none of this is a problem for your average woman in their late 20s, but it feels like a problem when I’m looking for someone to build a future with and I’m not sure that’s the type of person I want around my child. For example, it’s 12am and I’m up thinking about this as haven’t heard from him for hours, or he goes online but ignores my messages. He’s been out drinking since 10am today.

I leave him too it as I don’t want to control someone ans certainly don’t want to change someone. I’m scared if I have the conversation it will end and I’ll lose someone I have deep feelings for.

aibu to think we are not compatible?

Your priorities are not the same. I was the same as him before I had kids, couldn’t think of anything worse now!

If you have strong feelings for him it’s probably worth having a frank conversation about where you both see this going. If he is ready to settle down he might be willing to alter his lifestyle.

It’s not a fundamental incompatibility IMO because it’s behavioural and not a personality trait. Most people stop behaving in this way when they have something more meaningful.

You're just not important to him.

Also, he sounds like an alcoholic. It's an awful long time to be in the pub.

No you are right, you are not compatible and if he is like this now he's preparing you to accept that this is him and this will be your future. I wouldn't want to share my life with someone who acts in such a immature manner, going to clubs until the early hours and drinking excessively. Surely you don't want a man who is replicating your dds father's poor behaviour? Don't let history repeat itself, you deserve better OP and so does your daughter..

@heroinechic That last sentence was what I needed to hear. I know it already but seeing it written down is like the gut punch I needed. Out of everything my DD deserves the world.

The thing is, now you have a little girl you have the added responsibility of showing her what a good man looks like. She will copy you. She’ll accept a man acting like this if you do. And you know it’s not a good example of a loving partner / father figure.

Either reduce the relationship with him to a bit of almost secret fun - away from your home life and DD. So that he is not around as an example of a man her mother would give time to.
Or call it a day and know that you deserve better than this.

@MeganM3 - thanks for replying. I think this is the thing that hits me the hardest is that I never want my DD to feel like she’s not a priority in mine or my future partners life. He hasn’t paid much attention to my DD which is why I haven’t made any introductions as of yet.

I would keep it as a bit of fun but given the level of feelings involved I don’t think that would be possible. It’s a shame but I have to put DD first.

He's not the one for you. Drinking excessively and going out til all hours is pretty incompatible with your lifestyle as a parent.