No to a second child ….

[Hapideo]

Not sure if AIBU is the right place but here goes .. I had my DC a few years ago. I did struggle at the time and it wasn’t plain sailing for those first months. Maybe a bit of PND. It was always my wish to have a second child. However hubbie has said no. And a definite no. We’ve had many, many arguments over this but still he wouldn’t budge.

I’m really struggling to accept this and move on. I won’t split up the family for this, but I do think I’ll always have resentment over ‘what could have been’ and if I’m honest my feelings for him have changed over this. I’m well aware I may not have gotten pregnant again or it may not have worked out. But the option was taken away from me.

have others got any advice on how they felt in the long term after being in the same position?
I know a lot of people will say appreciate what you have. But it’s still difficult to move on.

That's tough. Has he said why?

I was in this situation after my son was born - I wanted a second, but my husband didn’t. I’m firmly of the opinion that if not( of you are not 100% for it then don’t do it.

My son is now eleven, has lots of friends nearby and cousins that we visit. I don’t think about it much now - I’m an only child myself who had a happy childhood so i never really had any worries about this.

Sorry “both of you” that should have said

It’s a really difficult situation as there is no compromise. I firmly believe that you have to go with the person who doesn’t want a kid. You can’t bring a kid into the world when you know one of the parents isn’t fully happy about it. It would be unfair on the kid.
I also think it’s ok to change your mind even if your provisionally agreed to have more kids. No one knows what it’s like to have a kid before they have one.
I think it’s ok to feel a bit sad about it but the most important thing in all this is your existing child. Your needs to have a kid should be less
important than there right to have a safe, secure and happy childhood. Not all
relationships work out and it can be best for
some
parents to
split but you need to weigh up your need to have a kid with what’s best for your child.

Their*

Possibly have therapy?

We have an only by choice. He’s 11 and loves being an only.

We had always planned to have 2 DC and my now ex just announced one day that we weren’t having a second. But his reasoning was because we had an argument the eve of his 1st fathers day and I took our son to stay with my family for a week (he was never into any of these things anyway, he grew up in a household who didn’t celebrate bdays or things like mothers / fathers day). It caused some explosive arguments and I felt genuinely hurt that he was saying no just to hurt me / revenge.

It all came to a head one day, and we’d had another period of not speaking when we talked it through and I said i’d accept it. The next day he said let’s go for lunch, and during the meal he said let’s have another child. All some weird control thing. So we did have another child, she is 17 now. He never regretted agreeing to it, but I think he did want one anyway, but he just wanted to use it as a way of punishing me. I left him when DC were 5 and 2.

We do too. At first I wished and wished we could have another but I was too old as I had DS at 40. Now I have made peace and DS is 11 and very happy to be an only. It would be much tougher if he was constantly telling us he wished he had a sibling.

Oh and having just kitted out DS with his school uniform for high school has made me realise we would never be able to afford another. The cost of things is ridiculous now.. maybe a subject for another thread but how do people even afford more than one kid?!!

So long as he isn't expecting you to avoid pregnancy. That's his job to not get you pregnant. Men that say this but then don't get the snip are leaving their options open for a different woman in the future. It happens all the time. Meanwhile women take the hit of birth control pills and IUDs so they can have worry free sex. Condoms or the snip. And he better use the condoms correctly.

Ask him when he is scheduling his vasectomy

Agreed. Although the cost of uniforms varies so much even in our local state schools.

No one is owed or entitled to a child, but every child is entitled to be wanted by both parents. It needs two yesses and no one should be manipulated or browbeaten into becoming a (reluctant) parent.

Sorry to hear this. Hope you got a resolution x

How old are you and your husband?

I would in your shoes try really hard to persuade him, and in that endeavour try very hard to totally understand every angle of his reasoning (through counselling if necessary) to avoid torturing myself for the rest of my life with “what ifs”

How old are you? How is your marriage generally?

These things could make a difference to your options IMO.

I would be concerned about the scenario of breaking up in future and your H having a DC with a new (younger) partner and you not being able to have another biological DC.

Agree with poster saying to use condoms for contraception unless his plan is vasectomy.

Agree about the vasectomy thing. If he really doesn’t want more DC the acid test would be that.

I would have been really upset if this had happened to me OP. Of course he has the right to change his mind, but you have the right to be very sad about it. Maybe you could arrange to talk things through with a counsellor?

No one should be ‘persuaded’ to have a child they don’t want. That’s a recipe for disaster and unfair on the child.