Feeling completely invisible.

[Cliffedge25]

Peri menopausal so there has definitely been a big shift in my emotional brain functioning capacity.

But I’ve noticed over the last 12/18 months that to everyone around me, I am invisible, insignificant and just unimportant.

An introvert, quiet, people pleaser. I am and have been struggling with insomnia, anxious thoughts & brain fog.

I’ve got a bloody fantastic job, married with kids. I travel a lot for work, just got back from 3 days away and I’ve checked in with everyone, how are they, how have they been and what have they been up to… zero back from any of them. DH, nothing, not a single solitary enquiry about my time away.

Family & friends too, not a text, WhatsApp, message from a single person for around 3 weeks now. Not a single communication from my own mother for 6 months now.

If I died tomorrow, I don’t think any one would notice or care.

Feeling very fed up, taken myself off to bed, said goodnight and no one even replied.

It all makes me want to just disappear.

That is really shit.

Maybe you should just disappear for a bit. Have a break away and when they realise you are gone just don’t respond.

I am sorry you feel like this.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this! Your husband and kids need a good talking to, it’s so rude!

I think this a natural consequence of people pleasing. If you don’t prioritise your own well-being, other people won’t either.

Instead of wanting to disappear… get out and have some fun!

Suggest how please.

I’m away again next week, think I’ll just go.

Same the week after.

Hm. I've also just got back from a week away with work. I did check in with everyone (teens, DH) and got little back from them. It doesn't really bother me. I know they love me, I know they missed me, but it wasn't a massive life event for them that I was away and actually that is how I want it to be. I think it's the story you tell yourself about how they respond, and that is entirely on you. I have a really interesting job that is demanding and requires my full attention when I am at work, and I am not invisible at all at work. I also don't think I am invisible at home, despite (from first glance) getting a similar reception to you. I elected not to pick up any domestic duties yesterday when I first get back because I was knackered and CBA, and that was fine. I will pick up the mental load today because DH has been doing it single handedly for a week. What do you want from your family? Why are you telling yourself the story that they don't care? They almost certainly do, but you are framing it in a particular way.

A text message to remind them

“eh how’s about a check in with your mother/wife/etc”

Then slowly start to shift how you engage with them.

We have had to shift how we are in relationships for the last while because we had become a bit taken for granted and it has been very beneficial.

I quite like a quiet life so it hasn’t really been noticeable but yesterday it was.

It occurred to me that I’m pretty much on my own. Thinking back it’s been around 18 months of little or no outside interest.

I met up with a friend this week and the whole time was about them. They never asked a single thing about me, just talked and talked about themselves. This happens a lot.

Probably a menopause related problem. Brain fog, insomnia, exhaustion and huge physical and mental health changes contribute massively to functioning. Everything has changed. I’m not the person I was.

So, do you do exercise? I know that sounds like a really random starting point, but it's been a real game changer for me.

Also, would you be open to HRT? I know it's not for everyone, but many have found it a game changer. And specifically, HRT including testosterone (obvs in discussion with GP who can support because they know something about it).

I mention HRT and testosterone because they might help with the joie de vivre / mojo / get up and go that will allow you to make changes (whatever they might be) and address issues. Take up a hobby, meet new people, travel more, bollock your kids whatever needs to be done to make it better.

Do you mean you don’t know how to have fun?! That is the problem surely! If you have been travelling often for work people will be used to it. And why would they welcome you back with enthusiasm when you’re off again next week? Not being harsh at all but that’s how I’d see it.

my fun revolves around exercising. Try and discover what yours is!

I met up with a friend this week and the whole time was about them. They never asked a single thing about me, just talked and talked about themselves. This happens a lot.

I had a friend like this. I dropped her because I could no longer tolerate her self-absorption.

The liberating thing about middle age is not giving a shit anymore and starting to do things for yourself. Sounds like you are at the fed up stage, but still need to give yourself permission to make changes. Part of that is working out what you want this next phase of your life to look like (and it’s different for all of us).

If you need a laugh (don’t we all) look up Just Being Melani on YouTube or other social media platforms. Join her We Do Not Care Club.

Family & friends too, not a text, WhatsApp, message from a single person for around 3 weeks now. Not a single communication from my own mother for 6 months now.

Challenging you a bit here- not being harsh but genuinely asking.
How much do you contact these people?

I met up with a friend this week and the whole time was about them. They never asked a single thing about me, just talked and talked about themselves. This happens a lot.

Do you chip in and talk about yourself at all? IME people-pleasers allow others to get away with a lot. Can you say 'Right, my turn now...let me tell you about me...'

Or ditch the friend if they are 100% self centred.

Looking at how you say you want a quiet life and you like being quiet, are you making sure that YOU keep contact going?

Your mum- what's the back story there? Surely that's a whole thread on its own- not to see or speak to your mum for 6 months.
Do you contact her? Does she live nearby?

Don't blame peri meno- (how old are you?)
If your symptoms are getting you down, try HRT.

Do exercise, get yourself fit, eat healthily etc.

If work is all consuming, is it time to do a check on that and see if you need to change it in some way?

On HRT.
Made no difference at all if I’m honest.

I travel a lot for work, most weeks, it’s so often it’s become part of the fabric. So I believe it’s this, they are all just used to me not being here.

Up until around 9 months ago, the texts, calls, suggested meet ups, coffee, out for tea was initiated by me. I stopped and this is the result as predicted.

So it is what it is. Don’t expect fanfare, don’t expect anything so therefore I get nothing!

Bastards!, and I’m a right bloody laugh me too. I just got as someone said “fed up” and less bothered as I hit middle age.

If HRT is making no difference, you may need to increase the estrogen. That's the first step.

Harsh as this may sound, you can't change anyone - only yourself.

What is it that you really want? Is it good friends? Is it more self-worth? Is it more fun - outside of work?

It's really not clear because your first post mentions a lot of these, as well as no contact with your Mum for 6 months- what's the story there?

If your friends neglect you, are they really friends any more?
Do you need new friends?

You see, if you're away most weeks with work, your friends will move on and make other plans. It's then up to you to say 'I'm free next weekend-fancy a coffee?' BUT if you have done this and the friendships are a one-way street, it looks as if the friendships are stale.

You see, on the one hand you say you feel invisible, but at the same time you say you want a quiet life, you're an introvert and a people pleaser.
That's all fine.
If that's what you want.

A PP mentioned having fun and getting out. You asked how.
Well...what do you enjoy? Classes like yoga, pilates, dancing? Book clubs? Art? Craft? Walking groups? Gigs?

What is it that you want which isn't happening now?

Travelling a lot for work fucks up your life at home. It means you can’t easily do stuff reliably every Tuesday evening for example. I get it; I’m the same but atm the pay off (interesting work, decent pay, people I like working with, seeing new places) is worth it. I agree with PP: back to GP to tinker with HRT and articulate to yourself what you want / what would be better and make some changes. The key is to see you have agency to change the situation.

I was thinking about the thing with conversations with friends. The best chats i have are the ones where each person says what they want to say, without having to be asked. And allowing each other room to speak. I can be quite a chatterbox, but also take interest in other people. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth getting the other person to open up. I feel the pressure of having to ask the right questions.
Could you just start talking @Cliffedge25
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way 💕

Fantastic insightful post, thank you x

"I travel a lot for work, most weeks, it’s so often it’s become part of the fabric. So I believe it’s this, they are all just used to me not being here.
Up until around 9 months ago, the texts, calls, suggested meet ups, coffee, out for tea was initiated by me. I stopped and this is the result as predicted."

Because of your constant work travel, you've trained the people in your life that you're not around. They don't initiate contact because either you do or you're traveling. Yes, the people that were in your life got used to your absence and have moved on.

As a people pleaser, you don't prioritize yourself. If you don't, no one else will.

It sounds like as an introvert and someone who is travelling nearly weekly, you're likely to have a hard time making new friends. You just don't have the time to invest. Are there any of your current friends you want to have present in your life? Do the catch-up work with those.

Try a new activity you've never tried but have been interested in.

Look at your diet and ways you can eat healthy.

For anxiety and insomnia, you might need to see your GP. Research sleep hygiene and prioritize a night routine that helps you sleep. Try some stress management techniques.

Do you know what you want?
I posted almost the same as this PP but you've not responded in a way that shows you know what you want.

Sorry op, this sounds shit.

Having experienced similar issues to one degree or another, I increasingly please myself. Of course I ensure the kids are sorted and ok as am sure you do, but beyond that I create my own happiness and fun. I took up a new sport just for kicks (have met some nice new people), I have a bday coming up and plan a massage and solo cinema trip, I have started paying waaaay more attention to the few people in my life who do actually see me and ensuring I reciprocate ..... I have also booked a solo hol for a while off.

For various reasons, I am recalibrating my life. It's not easy, granted.

Thank you.

I don’t know what I want.
I would love to go to a hobby, even being away I could still go as and when I’m around.

I have searched and searched and there is actually nothing at all available doing what I would love to do.

So I enjoy my life but not the people in it if you see what I mean. My close friend circle have been around me for 20 years plus. But unless I initiate meet ups.. nothing.
So I stepped away, still nothing.

For anxiety and insomnia, you might need to see your GP. Research sleep hygiene and prioritize a night routine that helps you sleep. Try some stress management techniques

These are completely meno related. Never suffered from anxiety in my life, I’m not an anxious person so it’s totally alien!
Insomnia, well that’s been over a year now, bloody shit. Exhausted I fall asleep, then 2 hours later awake until 4 or 5am. Surviving on around 4-5 hours sleep a night.

This “bloody fantastic job” and its extreme level of travelling involved is contributing very much to you not having a bloody fantastic personal life. Oh and also your thoughtless husband.

I can relate to your post OP. It feels lonely doesn’t it. Then you get angry. Then sad. Then you dust yourself off & get back on the busy wheel! It must be a peri-meno thing.
Ive def noticed some friends talk about themselves & don’t ask me much.. & disappear for literally months on end. I’m trying to hold firm on a few who regularly do that rather than cave & make contact as I usually would, but then I think am I being petty..? When I do make contact I get warm response. But why is it always down to me?!!
husband & teens all seem to increasingly lead their own lives so I’m doing the same, making plans, but then feel we’re coming apart as a couple/ family. It’s an interesting time of life. Not quite sure where it goes from here. I sometimes think I’ll have an entirely different life in another 5 years. And frankly, I’m not sure I’d mind.