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Original poster

Mum unhappy that I don't want dad at my wedding

22 replies

maxinemcd · 02/08/2025 21:08

I'm mid 30s. My parents split around 20 years ago but have remained friends.
Both re-married, although dad has since divorced.
Dad has been really abusive (mentally and verbally) since I was a teenager. Making me feel I was never good enough, and also a disappointment to him. He acted like this towards my sibling too. Ever since I became a single parent about 6 years ago, he's been continuously rude and disrespectful to me in front of my child. Things like undermining me and questioning my authority as a parent.
My child loves him as gets their own way at his house, lots of treats etc.
I tolerate him only for the sake of my child but wouldn't otherwise see him.
My mum buries her head in the sand, acts like I'm the unreasonable one for challenging him. She put up with a lot of nonsense from him during their marriage and perhaps believes I should do the same.
I'm getting married to my wonderful partner next year and don't want to invite my dad, for the reasons outlined above. My mum struggles to accept/respect this decision and thinks I should invite him for the sake of my child (who idolises him). How do I explain to my child that I don't want/won't be inviting his grandad to the wedding? Partner is in agreement with my wishes. We're planning a very small low-key wedding in any case, but how do I stand firm in this and get my child to understand? I'm less interested in my mum's opinion on it, but don't want my child getting upset about it.

OP posts:

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 02/08/2025 21:15

Making me feel I was never good enough, and also a disappointment to him

I wanted to copy and paste more, but that would have been most of your OP so I’ll make do with this. Are you sure you think your vulnerable small child should be around this man?

Hint - you can do better if you want male role models.

Edited to say and thinks I should invite him for the sake of my child (who idolises him) - you need to knock this on the head, it might become a massive problem in the future. If you feel this negative about him, don’t put a child in a place where he can be enthralled by him. Children/people don’t need grandfathers, they need normal people who aren’t weirdos.

Seawolves · 02/08/2025 21:19

It's your wedding to do the way you and your partner see fit.

Are you really sure you want this man to have an influence on your child? It won't be long before he's filling your child's head full of misinformation and lies about you.

CarpetKnees · 02/08/2025 21:20

I think you are complicating things by taking your dc there regularly and letting him be presumably the same person to them as he was to you.

Completely up to you who you invite to your wedding, but it seems odd that your relationship is so bad that you don't want to have your father at your wedding, but you are happy to take your child to see him so often.
Generally excluded parent tend to be parents the bride or groom is either no contact or very low contact with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2025 21:36

Why have you been taking your child around to see their grandfather given your experience of him?. Your dad was abusive to you as a child and he is unlikely to have changed at all in all the years since.

I suppose you were hoping that he would behave better this time around in spite of your own experiences to the contrary. Well he has not behaved unsurprisingly and he is a terrible example of a grandparent to his grandchild. He letting him do whatever your son likes and giving him treats is creating problems for you.

It is precisely for your child’s sake you and your child should stop seeing him with immediate effect. Do not have him at your wedding day celebration either.

middleagedandinarage · 02/08/2025 21:36

CarpetKnees · 02/08/2025 21:20

I think you are complicating things by taking your dc there regularly and letting him be presumably the same person to them as he was to you.

This? I'm also confused that you let your dc have a relationship with your dad to the point dc idolises him yet you have such an issue with your own dad you don't want him at your wedding 🤔

RealEagle · 02/08/2025 21:37

If he’s that bad ,why have you let your child spend time with him.

PeonyBulb · 02/08/2025 21:40

Do not invite your dad to the wedding

Stop taking your DS to visit him. Phase out the visits he doesn’t deserve either of you in his life

Im afraid your mum sounds manipulative in her own way possibly from being in denial from your dads behaviour

You really need to cut this man out of your child’s life as well as your own

Calendarrrrr8 · 02/08/2025 21:40

You shouldn’t invite him, it’s your wedding and he’s cruel to you. But WHY do you let your child see him?

Vaxtable · 02/08/2025 21:42

Why on earth do you allow your child to spend time with him?

Reduce the time slowly if necessary and you don’t want to stop big bang but don’t allow him near your child he’s a really bad example to your child in the way he behaves towards you and as your child gets older what happens if he starts to copy him?

If you stop seeing him then you won’t need to worry about him not being at the wedding and explaining to your child

ohfourfoxache · 02/08/2025 22:09

I suspect you’re in FOG, but why on earth are you facilitating contact between your child and this arsehole??

HippeePrincess · 02/08/2025 22:12

I also don’t understand why your child has a relationship with your father either.

PermanentTemporary · 02/08/2025 22:16

I do think if you feel able to continue a relationship with him for your child’s sake, that inviting him to your wedding would be reasonable.

Suednymph · 03/08/2025 17:27

If you were abused like this by your father he will continue the cycle with your child at some point. Start pulling back from that relationship now, do not invite your dad to your wedding and tell your mother if she has an issue with your decision on your wedding day quite frankly she also does not need to be there either. The fact shes friends with your abuser speaks volumes.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/08/2025 17:39

What @Suednymph said. I wouldn’t let this man near my child. And there is not a cat in hells chance he’d be coming to my wedding. I can’t believe you are allowing this/considering this. Tell your mum to butt out.

Radiowaawaa · 03/08/2025 17:44

Bizarre that you are okay with letting him have your child but not being at your wedding. Which is more important? Which would cause more long term damage?

legalseagull · 03/08/2025 21:50

“Grandads not coming because although he’s nice to you, he isn’t very kind to me and I only want people at the wedding that are kind to me. You can show him the photos after if you like” but I’d be prepared for you dad to cut you off (if he’s anything like mine was in this situation!!!

Zanatdy · 03/08/2025 21:57

Don’t invite him no, and i’d think twice about the relationship with your child.

Picklechicken · 03/08/2025 21:58

If he is that bad you need to go completely no contact - I know that’s not easy, dh and I are no contact with both of our families for very serious reasons. I let my Mum have contact with my dd when she was little and I bitterly regret that now - my Mum died in 2019 and my dd now aged 22 thinks the sun shone out of her arse and it is very difficult to allow her to have that memory when the truth is my Mum was an abusive functional alcoholic who used the relationship with my to control me even further. Do not let your dad do this to you.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/08/2025 22:02

I wouldn’t be discussing it with your mum or your DS. DS will have no expectations of a wedding other than what you tell him. This doesn’t need to be a big deal, particularly as you say you are having a very small, low- key event. I’m sure there are lots of people you are not inviting. You don’t need to make a big announcement about it, and your mum is surely aware of the issues. You don’t need her approval.
Talk about the dress or the food instead.
However, if you still see your dad regularly, there will probably be fallout after the event if you don’t invite him.

Motherbear44 · 03/08/2025 22:03

legalseagull · 03/08/2025 21:50

I like this response.

I think children can understand that relationship can be complicated. As a child in the 60s with a non-contact grandparent I understood. No one around had a similar situation, I still knew that adults had feelings that I should accept.

mindutopia · 03/08/2025 22:12

You can invite whoever you want to your wedding. It’s great that you are able to say no and put this boundary in place.

Absolutely reconsider the role he has in your child’s life though. My children and I are a package deal. If you can’t respect me as their parent, you don’t get to play Disney grandparent with them. Ultimately, the manipulation and abuse will work its way into that relationship because abusive people only have one setting. I am NC with my family and I stopped contact with my children probably 2 years before I went NC myself.

KatMansfield6 · 03/08/2025 22:39

I don't understand why you'd let your child have a close relationship with him but he's too abusive to have at your wedding? I know someone who acts similarly and, honestly, a lot of it is trauma cos play and drama/attention seeking. My DH and I have terrible relationships with our dads and our DC have a superficial/infrequent relationship with one and no relationship with the other. That is what real legacies of abuse look like.

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