Help..no libido for 9 years!

[WildRose42]

So my husband and I have been together 12 years. Sex was great right up until I had my last daughter, 10
years ago. I totally lost my libido after having her, hoping it would come back. As I was concerned, I sought medical advice after 6 months of having my daughter and asked the doctor for help as my libido still hadn’t come back. The doctor told me I was suffering with bad anxiety and put me on anxiety medication. The meds lasted 6 months, there were no change so I came off the meds and been on another medication for anxiety since, and still nothing, my anxiety is better now but no sex drive at all!

I have absolutely no desire for sex or anything sexual. I don’t even think about sex unless my husband drops hints. The thought of it when he mentions it makes me feel worse, more uptight and really anxious about having it. It’s not as if I don’t want to be with him and I’m so angry inside I feel this way as we had the best sex life before. I love him deeply, he’s an amazing man. He deserves so much better.

I feel so guilty inside, knowing I’m not the woman I used to be, sexually active, playful, fun. He drops hints endlessly, and the guilt inside me is eating me up, as I can’t give him what he wants and needs. We’ve been married a few years, and in that time we’ve probably had sex 10 times! I do try to please him orally, but not often at all, I always use excuses not to have to, which is bad I know. I sounds selfish and mean. It’s just I cannot help the way I feel. It’s been the bane of my life for 10 years and I just don’t know where to turn, who to talk to and how to get my libido back.

Has anyone else experienced this or going through the same thing? Did you get help, or did your libido come back?? I just thought I’d ask as I am not sure what to do anymore. The doctors before wasn’t helpful and I just don’t know who else to talk to. I don’t have many close friends, and my family all live miles away, so barely much contact.

Thanks for reading it you’ve got this far.

How old are you?

This was me. I had zero interest in sex whatsoever until last year when I discovered an erotic audio app- Quinn. I downloaded it just to see what it was like and my libido came back almost straight away.
I am the opposite now where I have a very high sex drive, my husband and I have sex most days now.
We are also more open with each other and we tell each other what we like and try new things which has helped too.

I think this is actually really normal for a lot of women. We’re made to believe there’s something wrong with us for losing our libido but actually for a lot of women libido is closely linked to reproduction and once that’s been fulfilled it drops off. People try and medicate themselves out of it with HRT and all sorts of medications, and for some these do help, but for a lot of women it’s literally like a switch that goes off. I don’t know what the answer is in terms of keeping a marriage going when the other person still wants a sexual relationship but feeling the way you do doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you that needs “fixing”.

Thank you so much to all for the comments, I really do appreciate the help and advice given so far. It makes more sense when reading your comments. I had two traumatic births with my last two daughters, both with different issues, and distress, so maybe this has something to do with that too, like your wife @ShouldItBeThisWay so sorry to hear she went through that too. It’s heartbreaking.

I am 45 so some could say it’s perimenopause, but I'm
not when sure I’m even perimenopausal yet. I don’t have any symptoms of it, other than I get hot at work a lot, but that’s probably the nature of the job I do!

You should get your hormones checked, not just because of libido but also because perimenopause can come with a whole host of physical issues, such as thyroid incompetence, diabetes etc. These issues can emerge very gradually, and eventually really affect your functioning, mood, and tiredness levels. So it's important to keep on top of this with your GP.

If you are in perimenopause, HRT can help a lot, also with libido. For me though, it was only when I was in full menopause that I regained some of my previous libido. I think it was because I knew I could no longer get pregnant. I knew absolutely clearly after my third that I did not want any more children. Absolutely no more kids, I was already running at my maximum keeping everything going - kids, work, family issues. I would have cracked if I had another kid. And yet it would have been very hard emotionally to have an abortion should i get pregnant again. So I was absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again.

I asked my H to get a vasectomy, or to use condoms (on top of me using the pill), but he didn't want either. It really put the kibosh on my sex drive since I got sick of - and exhausted by - the anxiety I felt at the end of every month, when my period didn't arrive on time or my breasts were sore, or something felt weird about my body - which occurred more and more frequently as I progressed into petimenopause.

So you may find that your sex drive will perk up when there is no chance anymore of another pregnancy, especially since you had two traumatic births.

In any case, see your GP about perimenopause. I wish I had been told this at 45...

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta thank you. I may need to go back to my GP to discuss my hormones maybe. Maybe other things too, I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t have any more children anyway, so that’s not a worry for me. But I just feel bad for my DH. He didn’t sign up to this.

I’m 45

If you are on anti anxiety meds, especially the SSRI medication(sertraline, citalopram, fluoxetine) these can have a huge impact on your libido. I didn't realise how much until I came off them and it came back with a vengeance and I found my new husband.

When my DH went on medication for anxiety it killed our sex life. He wouldn’t seek help for it so we live as house mates now.

"I have absolutely no desire for sex or anything sexual. I don’t even think about sex unless my husband drops hints. The thought of it when he mentions it makes me feel worse, more uptight and really anxious about having it. It’s not as if I don’t want to be with him and I’m so angry inside I feel this way as we had the best sex life before. I love him deeply, he’s an amazing man. He deserves so much better. I feel so guilty inside, knowing I’m not the woman I used to be, sexually active, playful, fun. He drops hints endlessly, and the guilt inside me is eating me up, as I can’t give him what he wants and needs."

The fact is, sex should be enthusiastic and if it's not, it is what is known as "unwanted consensual sex". Forcing yourself to have it feels like forcing yourself to eat chocolate cake: a violation of your physical autonomy. No matter how nice sex can be, if you're not in the mood, you really shouldn't force it, because then it eventually becomes an aversion. And once it sets in, sexual aversion can be really hard to work past. I would say you're well on your way to sexual aversion, which means that even when you get your libido back, you won't want to have sex with your H. Because by then you'll associate sex with him with pressure and guilt and a lot of entrenched negative feelings.

I understand that your H wants sex, and you'd really like to have sex with the same joy and passion you used to. But you really should not force yourself to have sex. I suggest you talk to your H, tell him honestly how you feel, that it's not personal, it's not that you don't love him or find him a beautiful person, and that you're trying to work out how to get back your libido.* He should not pressurise you, because that just consolidates the negativity that sex now means for you.

I told my H all of the above - that I didn't want sex again, could not conceive of it, the idea actually revolted me, and it had absolutely nothing to do with him. I offered divorce, he went away and thought about it, and then said that sex wasn't that important to him, he didn't want to live without me. Later, when I had well and truly entered menopause, lust reappeared!

So it really might just take time for your hormonal and nervous system to recalibrate.

*I agree BTW with the PP who suggested your anti-anxiety meds may be part of the problem. Maybe you should discuss this with your GP too.

What medication are you on?

I lost mine too. Not sure how long ago. I do force myself to have it. We probably have it every 3 weeks or so now but I don’t want to. I suspect I maybe need it twice a year? I never get the urge but will happily pleasure myself though that isn’t very often either. When we do have it I enjoy it but never actually want it. I wish I did. I’m early 50s. I tried testosterone but it didn’t do anything for me. I want to want my husband but there is nothing there. I also get stressed when I know it has been a while and avoid going to bed at the same time as him. I long for the day when neither of us are interested but that feels like wishing my life away

This sounds like me, no traumatic births but quite complex medical history before I had children. I've had every test going, my hormones and glucose are tested every year due to PCOS.
I have an anxiety disorder always have had, and started meds last year, I hoped removing the anxiety would make space for those thoughts but nope, absolutely nothing.
I'm 39, been with my husband almost 18 years, married 15, 2 teenage kids - I've had absolutely no libido for as long as I can remember and absolutely no reason for it. We've had sex once in 3 years, I enjoy it when we do but at no point do I actively "want it".
I absolutely adore my husband, he is everything I could ever want (even when he drives me mad!) but I feel like the worst wife in the world sometimes. We have a great relationship in every other aspect - communication could be worked on but nothing major.
I'm sorry I don't have the answers, just know you are not alone x

was it sertraline or another ssri? there is a condition which doesn’t affect everyone but which effectively stops libido even after you stop taking them.

Look up PSSD

Ask your GP if you can try testosterone. This is exactly the reason many women use it. It can make a huge difference.

EMDR therapy is also a very good option for women with birth trauma (or anyone with PTSD or complex PTSD). It's extremely effective in many cases, it really helped two people I know. One nearly choked to death on some food and became terrified to eat after that. We were afraid she'd die, she became really anorexic. She had a healthy appetite before that, and after EMDR now eats well again. She is really happy and looks great. The other had a dreadful abusive family. She struggled with anxiety for years and then tried EMDR. It worked really well, she is off anti-anxiety meds and doing really well in her career and personal life. It's a therapy that reprograms your overactive limbic system.

Google PSSD - Post ssri sexual dysfunction
Sounds like it could be this
Horrible - I have it and came looking for threads on it too :/

I don’t think it’s normal for many women at all at that age. Older maybe but this happened when OPbwas young.

OP, try to not feel guilty, you’re definitely not the only one going through this. A long-term dip in libido is common after kids, hormonal changes, or anxiety meds. But 9–10 years is a long time, and if you want things to change, you do need to take some proactive steps. Going back to your GP (or trying a different one) and asking for proper checks on hormones, thyroid, iron etc. is a good place to start. It’s also worth asking about psychosexual therapy or a referral to a women’s health specialist.

It might feel daunting, but making that first move could really help you feel more like yourself again, and it shows your husband that you’re trying to tackle this. You don’t have to solve it overnight, just take one step forward.