Alone

[Starsunnysad]

Apart from dd (20) who left home a year ago I have nobody really.
All hit home recently as I had a few minor surgeries and she had to accompany for one and made a bit of a mess of it really, ie not following hospital instructions which potentially put me at risk. She’s also not shown much thougtfulness on other occasions but I excuse it as she’s incredibly busy at work & socially and she must feel the burden of being my “only person “ if that makes sense.
i have no other family and no close friends anymore. I just feel like a total burden and sometimes wonder what purpose my existence is.
I’ve tried making friends but it’s easier said than done . Dating is hard work too.

That is a scary situation to be in. Now that you've realised that you need more people around you, make a focused effort to find some friends. See a 'life coach' or similar if that helps. There are plenty of lonely people out there - lower your bar perhaps and make some connections. Don't expect 'best buddies' to emerge overnight. It takes time! It's also based on mutual need. Some people don't need more people in their lives. Find the lonely ones, in libraries, churches or online. Good luck!

@Galectable if only it was that easy..

Anyone there? 🙏

Take a break from dating would be my first thought. You're vulnerable and that leads to being exploited and manipulated, clinging to someone as a liferaft. It's never an attractive trait...

Making friends is like dating though, but in a different way. You're checking out whether you have values and interests in common. Are you brave enough to try Meetup? What are your interests? Are there groups near you?

Try not to be nihilist in this - don't expect to be suddenly surrounded by people. Good friendships do take time to grow, and like dating should still be privately litmus tested from time to time to see whether this is something YOU want.

@Spooky2000 thank you.
probably surprisingly given my situation I’m the opposite with dating - I dump at the slightest thing, probably to avoid being hurt. Looking back there were a couple of guys who I do regret being so harsh with. In fact one lovely guy hadn’t done anything wrong at all.
yes, tried Meetup & similar - no good, Msybe I need to try again.

Bump

What are your hobbies?

I think you sound a bit harsh on your daughter saying she put you at risk after a minor op. Not saying you said that to her but she may pick up on this attitude and it will push her away.

Does your lifestyle allow for a dog, if you would want one? They're a great way to get chatting to local people on walks, possibly leading to friendships.
Can you take up a hobby where you'll meet people? Walking groups, yoga classes, art classes, crafting, book clubs, join a choir, etc.
I've met some of my closest friends through my hobby (motorbiking). It did require me to use Facebook to join bike groups to find out when events are, and put myself out there to attend alone and speak to people. Many others were doing the same - people who got a bike but didn't know any other bikers.
I was incredibly lonely in my early thirties; now (almost fifty) I have more friends than I can realistically keep up with.
I have no family at all (no kids, parents, or partner), so I do empathise.
What are your interests? What do you do for work? Any health conditions that you could set up a local support network for? What kind of hobbies do your finances, time, and health allow for?

@Gymbunny2025 i didn’t want to be harsh to her. I don’t want put too much detail about what she did wrong on here, but I wasn’t quite with it after the surgery and she had I instructions about how to get us home safely which she didn’t follow. As I wasn’t quite “all there” at the time I just went along with it.

@Desmodici thank you for your reply. Absolutely no way I could have a dog, work full time, other pets etc and tbh not really wanting the commitment they need.
I could try joining some group but have done so before and it never works out.

Well, keep trying. The alternative is your current situation for the foreseeable, isn't it.

@Desmodici yes, I know you’re right 😊

I can empathise, I am in a similar situation. I still have my parents but once they are gone I don’t know what I will do. You do have your daughter although she is quite young. It is really hard finding friends, you can meet lots of people but finding someone you click with is difficult, also I find a lot of people I meet have a family and lots of friends so don’t have time for anyone else. All my old friends are getting married and have young children so I don’t hear from them anymore. Hobbies probably give the best chance of meeting similar people, volunteering is another one. All you can do is keep trying. I have often thought of going to church as well.

I certainly wouldn't bother with dating yet OP. My priority would be to.make friends. I.know it's not easy. Join some things. Even if it's superficial at first that fine, something may develop. Work bed work bed is a routine that soon becomes ingrained. U don't work from home do u?

The only way to change the situation you are in is to change your behaviour / the things you are doing. I was speaking to someone last week who realised at the age of 60 that she knew no-one locally. She took up running and joined her local park run, she joined a book club (no idea how she found it TBH), and she got in touch with old school and uni friends she had fallen out of touch with. She has taken up gardening and loves it (much to her surprise). I am not in your situation yet, but probs will be when the kids leave home: I have lots of things I want to do, though: I would join a theatre group and a choir, maybe an art class. I might even do park run. I would go to yoga classes. I would meet people who would start off as friendly acquaintances with a few things we have in common (the thing we are doing together) and out of those friendly acquaintances, some of them may become friends.

Have a search on FB for any local meet ups. And maybe change your attitude a bit, in that you sound quite negative.

@PinkiOcelot I have tried those many time but I’ll try again

I’ve just tried calling the Samaritans as I feeling so low and even they didn’t answer. I felt so let down by dd but guilty for feeling that way too. She messaged asking how my day was earlier - I can’t bring myself to tell her quite how awful she’s made me feel

Bump

@Starsunnysad sorry to hear that you feel so low. It can be really hard to push yourself out of a low time of your life. Several surgeries sounds hard to deal with and you say in your OP that you don’t want to be a burden. Are there friends from your past whom you’ve lost touch with, that you could reconnect with? As in a light, how are things with you type message.

I’m not sure I understand OP. What has DD done to make you feel so sad and let down?

Making a 20 year old responsible for you after surgery and criticising how she handled it is pretty harsh, she’s barely out of her teens.

She is not responsible for your happiness and well-being.

Please remember it’s not your daughter that has made you feel awful. You are projecting your feelings of sadness onto her and risk your relationship with her. Why not go for a lovely walk and try the Samaritans again. Take care

@Thewalrusandthecarpenter i did message a friend who lives hours away and we’re hoping to meet up soon.
I nearly contacted dd to talk over what she did wrong after the surgery but decided she’ll only tell me what she said before and don’t want her to feel bad again.

That sounds promising regarding a meet up with your friend. Could you have a telephone chat prior to meeting up? It might be helpful to talk to someone else about your feelings regarding your daughter, rather than to your daughter about it - as you say, that probably wouldn’t help.

This might sound odd but you say in your OP that you want to have more purpose. You already have a full time job but if you have spare time, could you volunteer? That would help others and you would meet people.

I was in this position and my GP referred me to a social prescriber. It was helpful to find things in my area that I would not have known about. It could be a start in the right direction.