Will my separation affect my children’s futures? Am I doing the right thing?

[Lec93]

Hi,

I’ve recently separated from the father of my kids (8/5/3yrs) .
I’ve really been struggling with the thought of how this break up will affect the children long term.

My own parents separated when I was 2 and I’ve witnessed a beautiful healthy relationship between my mother and stepfather from the age of 5.
However, I’ve been in therapy for a few months and it’s quite obvious that my parents separation and lack of emotional connection with my biological father has afffected my relationships in my adult years and what disrespect I have previously tolerated - I’m doing a lot of work on this in therapy currently.

My concern is that although I’m trying to make the right decision for myself and my children- will they not only be affected by their parents separating, and also not seeing a healthy loving relationship in their home? I can’t imagine feeling ready to date for a very long time, or even if I’d want to whilst they were young and 3 kids and 2 jobs leaves me very busy- so not sure when I would find time either! I’m also assuming a single mum of 3 isn’t the top of most decent guys lists of things they’re looking for?
The thought of staying single long term doesn’t worry me but how will my children ever see a positive relationship?

Ive read a lot of the threads suggesting you should never stay together just for the sake of the children and the damage that can be done if you do which has been helpful as I did have the thought of staying at the back of my mind for a while as I wasn’t sure what situation would be better for them. Maybe couples therapy and trying to work through things? Although there are a lot of trust issues.

Has anyone been through this or has any advice? I doubt it will change my decisions that I’ve already made but maybe just put my mind at rest that I’m not messing up my childrens futures? 😔
Thank you x

Yes from all sides.

My parents stayed together and as I child it was a very volatile, aggressive and violent environment at time. I as a result grew up to have piss poor emotional regulation, shed loads of trauma and a people pleaser who was incapable of dealing with conflict so would bury it then when it became to much explode.

I also have split from my first childs father and am married in a blended family being a step parent and having more children. I am very aware of the impact having separated parents has had on my child & my SC v their siblings.

I ve had shit of load talk of therapy, I ve done parenting courses, trauma therapy etc all to turn up in my life as healthy as possible adult.

So with that background if DH & I relationship was seriously on the rocks, I would do everything in my power to save it before seperating. Therapy definitely at minimum because even if it didnt work we would,still need to figure out co parenting. The only exclusion would be cheating and abuse.

I dont want my younger kids to experience separated parents nor be part of blended family.

Personally I was only capable of building a healthy romantic relationship when I dealt with my own shit properly.

Thank you for your response.

It really makes me think that regardless of what I do now to support them, they will have lasting effects into their adulthood 😔

Unfortunately there’s been a lot of lies and trust issues- money/debt and other women- all found out in the last year or so of the relationship. I can only assume there’s far more than I found out about. I’ve considered couples therapy and he says he’s on board with it but I honestly don’t see his actions matching his words so I feel it could be pointless. Also when I found out and confronted him- a lot of emotional abuse/coercive control so I can’t imagine that’s something we can get over.

Both staying and leaving will affect your children you are kidding yourself if you think it won’t. Choose your poison.

Happy parents, happy children.

My parents stayed together until I was 18 "for the kids"

Life wasn't great. Constant arguing. Ignoring each other. Infact when they announced they were separating I jumped for joy. All of my younger siblings felt the same. Wished they had done it years earlier

Happy parents happy children is an absolute bullshit saying that adults use to diminish the impact of the decisions they have made on their children.

@Lec93 the reality is our adulthood is absolutely impacted by our childhoods. It isnt even always about if traumatic events happen but how they are handled.

Counselling isnt recommended when there is abuse in terms of relationships but I would may consider it for co parenting and figuring out how that will look like. Especially to help you set boundaries you would like in place.

Stay in individual therapy. Think about how the kids need support through the transition period and be open to therapy for them if you think they would benefit.

Sometimes, life hands you a plate of shit out side of your control. Thats were you are now, all you can do is focus on your own resilience and building the life you like for you and the kids.

Sorry gotta disagree. In my personal experience had my parents actually separated and been happy I would have been happier.

They didn't - and I was miserable

Your assumption is they would have been happier.

They were "happy" staying together because of the fact they had kids. Happiness is subjective.

Loads of parents are "happy" getting pissed every week and then dying like fuck barely able to interact with their kids. Or they are happy sitting on their arse and barely leaving the house day to day. Happy eating junk food morning noon and night.

Or have affairs so they are "happy" irrelevant of the trauma they can cause their kids.

Adults happiness doesn't translate automatically to kids happiness.

My mum left my abusive dad and stayed single for 12 years. Best 12 years of my life. I didn't need a healthy relationship modelled to me. My mum is brave, independent and taught me to be the same. She taught me to know my worth.

Without her example I dread to think where I would be. Ex bf started to display some controlling tendancies... I got rid straight away. He's now in prison but still.

My partner now is loving, cleans,cooks and treats me with respect. My step mum is still with my dad. A shell of a woman. Her children... One is in prison, one doesn't speak to her and one has many many issues due to being raised around my violent and abusive dad.

I'm am incredibly close to in my mum as are my brother's. The memories I have with her replaced all my negative ones around my dad. We are all thick as thieves and honestly having her to ourselves was exactly what we all needed for a while.

Model self respect and the ability to have a happy fulfilled life without a partner to your children until the time is right.

They were not happy. They were actively unhappy and it showed. Had they split im sure we would have all been happier.
Anyway. Don't want to debate it on someone else's thread. Its my opinion. You're welcome to yours.

OP I hope things work out for you.

Yes it will affect them, but parents being in an unhappy relationship would not be good either. Separated parents co coparent amicably and put their children’s needs above oneupmanship and personal desires can have excellent outcomes too, but of course it will affect them

OP we are all winging it hoping for the best for our children. My ex and I separated due to abuse, and so it was in the best interest of my children. I am single because I don't want another relationship until I can model a healthy one - I won't expect my children to blend families though nor live with another man.

They probably will have issues with us separating when older but the alternative is much worse. We all fuck out children up in one way or another, so as a pp said you pick your poison and do everything you can to hope it's the lesser of two evils.