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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner cheating with men

24 replies

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 15:06

Just asking if anyone else has had this,my partner has been seeing men behind my back for years! I only found out a few years ago,he doesn't know I know,I am unable to confront him and I'm not sure how he will react also have financial commitments to at the minute (but these are getting sorted and am starting to get ducks in a row)he has been on hook up sites and some of the things 🤮these men say it's because us women don't give them sex! What a load of trash,I have tried and tried but all I get is excuses upon excuses why he won't get intimate with me,I know I have put weight on which probably hasn't helped the situation. He has medical issues which he uses as excuses but it doesn't stop him meeting these men. I just feel so miserable and can't look at him in the face. He actually told me I could go and find someone else to have sex with but isn't me to be honest. He now has a f* buddy also who he sees now and again and some of the messages they post to themselves are just something else,puts our sex life down like how he was getting bored when we were doing intimate things and how I was rubbish at it etc,just looking for a bit of support,thanks x

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 02/08/2025 15:17

How long will it be till you get yourself out of this horrific situation?
Your self-esteem must be shattered, this is awful behaviour from him. Remember this is his doing, his faults. He's vile.
Good luck OP, I hope you are leaving him sooner rather than later.

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 15:24

It's been hard,especially when he says to these men he feels no guilt because as it's not cheating because it's not with another woman! I am hoping soon but depends when I can get things sorted etc,I am just stuck in this headspace all the time,he says he's bisexual but I think more gay as he's definitely not coming near me,which after years and years is awful and then to get every excuse under the sun to be told I should get someone else.

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InSpainTheRain · 02/08/2025 15:37

Gosh OP, that is horrendous! Please don't blame yourself or think it's anything to do with you or the way you look - this is all on him. He hasn't even had the decency to split up before he looks elsewhere, I'm so sorry.

I think you need to concentrate on not having sex with him to protect yourself from sexually transmitted disease anyway - especially if he does random hook ups. How quickly can you get out of the situation? You said you were trying to get things lined up but this is a shocking situation. If you need help to leave him without a confrontation then there are organisations you can contact that can help you do that. I'm sure others can advise. I hope you are able to leave (peacefully) very soon. Please do you think of blaming yourself in any way - none of this is on you!

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 15:49

Thank you means a lot just getting other takes on it tbh,u can't help blaming yourself but I know deep down it's not,I'm not going to ask him again about time I got my self respect back,I'm not (sexually) what he wants,he still wants a family life like holidays days out etc but wants these men on the side ,as soon as I leave house most days he's on these apps,searching asking random men for bjs,it turns me most days,he also sends dick picks to whoever and wherever x

OP posts:
Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 15:52

Make sure you get tested for HIV and everything else OP.

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 15:53

Do you think I should?haven't been intimate for over a year (sorry for TMI)

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Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 15:55

Yes! @TheCandidSquid.

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 15:57

Will see about getting booked in,it's all abit of a nightmare tbh,not where I thought I would be at this time of life,even his bit on the side as a girlfriend who knows nothing it's just disgusting x

OP posts:
Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 19:03

Why are you with him if you aren't married or have kids? Everyone's health is at risk. Do you have family?

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 19:04

We have been together for well over 20 years,have 2 kids well they are grown up but one kinda relies on us for uni x

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Magicwand80 · 02/08/2025 19:08

You're so brave OP. I hope you have a friend to lean on. He's massively taking the P out of you. I would tell your kids. Life is too short. Sending you the biggest hand hold.

Batherssss · 02/08/2025 19:10

Get screen shots of everything and make it clear that you will be telling everyone of his double life if he gives you any guff.

I would tell people anyway.
He has cheated on you and used you as a cover for his sordid double life.

Get yourself tested just to be sure.

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 19:11

Thanks I have a great friend but sometimes I don't feel it's right burdening her with all my problems but she has been my rock tbh,letting me take it at my pace ,she understands,it's something I can't get ny head round at all,I hope soon I can confront him and take it from there,I have lots of proof etc so I'm sure he is definitely at it x

OP posts:
TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 19:12

Batherssss · 02/08/2025 19:10

Get screen shots of everything and make it clear that you will be telling everyone of his double life if he gives you any guff.

I would tell people anyway.
He has cheated on you and used you as a cover for his sordid double life.

Get yourself tested just to be sure.

Oh yesss I have this and pics and some videos even that he and the boyfriend made so he can't get out of it and I'm not keeping his dirty secret ,when the time comes he will get it from both barrels,some days are just harder than others ,he justifies it to himself by saying it's not cheating as it's not with a woman x

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 02/08/2025 19:16

Please just get away from this mess asap. He’s a vile vile person for doing this to you and really not giving a shit about you or your health. It sounds as though you have been intimate since he started having sex with random men, so yea, definitely get a full STI screening. And just get away from him for your own well-being.

TheCandidSquid · 02/08/2025 19:21

WaltzingWaters · 02/08/2025 19:16

Please just get away from this mess asap. He’s a vile vile person for doing this to you and really not giving a shit about you or your health. It sounds as though you have been intimate since he started having sex with random men, so yea, definitely get a full STI screening. And just get away from him for your own well-being.

It's been over a year since we had any kinda intimacy I just tested the waters to see what he would come out with,but all I got was excuses anyway,but going to get tested just to be on the safe side,I'm getting myself ready starting to save some money x

OP posts:
eldersamuelhunter · 03/08/2025 01:40

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Springtimehere · 03/08/2025 01:47

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hhtddbkoygv · 03/08/2025 02:12

If this has been going on for years I wouldn't even be concerned about his excuses or lack of intimacy.

What has to happen before you can leave exactly?

Brendahollowayreconsider · 03/08/2025 03:14

Op he's gay you can't give him what you aren't..a man.
As others have said get checked.
Hopefully others that have been through this can advise.

TheCandidSquid · 03/08/2025 06:15

hhtddbkoygv · 03/08/2025 02:12

If this has been going on for years I wouldn't even be concerned about his excuses or lack of intimacy.

What has to happen before you can leave exactly?

Edited

Unfortunately I have financial commitments at the moment but they won't last forever,and I won't be here forever either,getting stronger every day x

OP posts:
Magicwand80 · 03/08/2025 07:38

@TheCandidSquid can't your child at uni get a job? Is that the money issue. OP you have endured this far too long already.

TheCandidSquid · 03/08/2025 09:00

Unfortunately with the course she is doing they aren't allowed to,I also need a car etc for my work so am saving so I can get myself one ,also have another child at college so it's money going all ways,hoping to get sorted soon,I also don't feel I can do it,trying to get therapy to help me also x

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