Marriage is this all can expect?

[cruickville]

Been with partner for over 11 years (living with) and married for 6. We have a 14 mth old daughter (first) and i don't recognise our relationship anymore. I don't feel like we have anything to give each other - it's all about our daughter. 1 mnth ago i moved out of the bedroom in the spare and it's telling that I don't want to go back and he hasn't invited me back. Snoring/noisy sleep issue drove me out of the bedroom but he can't be bothered to loose weight to help with this. Nothing in common anymore except our daughter. Have suggested we have date nights (in house as we don't have sitters/family close by) by he's not interested (typical male non response). He is a brilliant father, helps round the house , works hard but that is all he has in his life. no friends no interests just us and frankly it's boring. Interested on any views (however harsh). I don't want to ruin my daughters life so I am prepared to sit this out for next 18 years.

what do you do at the weekend? could you decide to go somewhere different each weekend? you could suggest it as good for dd if he's doing the brill father routine...
and then hopefully try to develop that into some new interests for you all?
even if it's just finding new parks to explore so dd can feed the ducks or see the flowers, and hopefully the 'getting out of the house' will blow away a few cobwebs.

I do know what you mean - we've been together the same amount of time and small children do make a vast difference to relationships - it changes your priorities forever...

You both have to want to make it work, and doesn't sound like you H is willing too

DH and I have struggled since DS was born 12mths ago, but we both recognise it and work hard to keep it together.

You have to think about yourself too.
I'm sure your daughter would benefit more from a happy mummy for the next 18 years then a miserable, unhappy one then is just sitting it out for her sake.

xx

with a marriage you both have to contribute emotionally

have things only been bad since the birth of your DD?

IMO and IME the arrival of a child, no matter how wanted etc, can be hugely disruptive and challenging

how are your communication issues generally - you say you haven't gone back to the marital bed, and he hasn't asked you back BUT have you actually talked about it?

sitting it out for the next 18 years if neither you or your DH are happy could 'ruin' your daughter's life, as you put it.

Do you feel you and your DH bring something extra to each others lives that you wouldn't have otherwise? If not then you might as well be on your own.

You could both just be stuck in a rut and need help getting out of it together, or you could have both moved on and the re;lationship fizzled out. Do you still have sex together? Do you miss each other when you're not around each other for a while?

Maybe you need to re-ignite the spark. Or call it a day and split up. How do you feel about it? Would you rather move back and share a bed?

Having DD has been the biggest disruption to our relationship and it has been a very very hard couple of years. However, things are getting more like they used to be as she gets older and we're happy again (mostly). Son't under estimate the impact having a child has on your relatinship.

The one thing that I'm not getting though is that the points you make about him ie boring, no friends etc. Was he like this before you had DD? in which case, how did you handle it then? What is your life like outside the family? It sounds like you may be feeling claustrophopic and lacking in something else yourself perhaps else I'm not sure why it'd bother you if he's happy with the way things are.

Firstly sleeping issues.. can you get Dh to the GP about the snoring. If he is disturbing you, he won't be getting much sleep or quality sleep either and your GP can really help. If you getting better sleep both of yu will feel a lot better and will have more energy to give each other and your daughter, and also more energy to do things, which would help with the weight issue.. I would also suggest a good pair of ear plugs.

I wouldn't be suprised that he is non responsive because he is tired tbh.
Pick a good time to have a chat to him, ask him how you might be able to solve your problems... men like to solve things... rather than just talk.

I'm just wondering if the whole sleep issue is the base for most of your problems.

I second goint to see the GP.

If your dh is overweight and is snoring, perhaps he has sleep apnoea? In which case he will probably always feel tired, which means he won't want to exercise etc etc.

DP and I use different bedrooms because he snores and I'm a ridiculously light sleeper. It has made our relationship better because there are no tensions at night. And just because we sleep in different rooms it doesn't mean that we don't see any activity! What I'm trying to say is that separate rooms, in itself, isn't necessarily a symptom of a bad relationship.

I just want to add that we have the snoring issue.. it is something that we continue to deal with.
But my DH did go to gp and we are working our way through different things that might help. What we have done for us is to sleep together every other night, this gives both of us a reasonable sleep, but also allows the feel good factor of sleeping with a partner.

wow, thanks for those brilliant messages. I agree that we do need to make more of an effort at the weekend. I work on a Sat so the only family day we have is a Sunday and tbh that tends to get taken up with catch up cleaning,gardening etc. but you are right a cool family day would help.

Relationship did have rough patches prior to DD birth but not like this. I remember during pregancy glowing with loving feelings towards him - i just don't remember what they were at the moment. Do I miss him? To be honest no. He works away alot so last week we was away 4 days (3 nights) and it was fine. DD was fine and I cope ok, I do feel for him missing out on DD as I realise how much he loves her. re Sex...nothing doing there (my fault though) - I just can't face it with him I just don't feel like he is really "into me" anymore, this sounds bad but i just feel like him having sex with me would be more about him relieving an urge rather than making love. I just don't have those loving feelings coming from him just now to make it happen. This probably is just the strain of first baby. Can you believe that I was thinking about a sibling for DD so that they have same mum and dad.

Re GP. He has been to GP and is getting some treatment. Feel funny about wearing earplugs - i have spent the last 13 mths wearing 1 earphone of my radio so my current affairs is excellent! Seriously I still panic about DD and worry that I can't hear her crying. Oh did i mention that we co-slept for the first 8 mths so we really had a sleep deficit to catch up on too.

Thanks for your comments. I'm new to this site so really appreciate your help.

From what you've said it really sounds like the strain of a new baby.

You said you glowed with loving feelings for him when you were pregnant. That's really positive and says that there is something worth fighting for.

Having a baby is like someone chucking a bomb into a household. It can be devastating and take some time to pick up the pieces.

If he works away a lot this would probably explain his weight and his lack of motivation not to mention his 'distance' from you emotionally. It sounds to me that he could be suffering too. Perhaps he feels pushed out if you and your DD have this nice little unit going on when he's away.

I think you need to take the pressure off yourselves for a bit. A family day sounds a great start. Can you try and get your chores done through the week or in the evening? Perhaps order your shopping online? I think you're going to have to make a real effort to get things back on track because it sounds like you're both feeling quite fragile and probably hostile with one another.

About missing him, I probably wouldn't miss my DH too much (to begin with) if he went away but I don't think that's necessarily a measurer of your love for him. When a baby comes along your priorities are so different and your DD probably fulfills many of your own emotional needs so you feel your DH is surplus to requirements. However, this will change. You'll want and need to share the ups and downs of toddlerhood with someone.

I hope you manage to work through it

Cruickville, just wanted to offer my support as am in a similar situation. I've decided to wait and see how things are in a year. We also had rough times before DD came along but like you I was full of warm and rosy feelings towards him whilst pregnant. Your comment about having another sibling for DD is not crazy - I went through the same dilemma and am now due again in 2 weeks. After our new baby is born I am resolved to be positive and focus on my own happiness in an effort to get our relationship focused, and then at least if we have to call it quits I'll know I've tried everything!

Good luck and if you need an ear do PM me.

Claire