Estranged Dad has died

[Salome61]

Although we were estranged and hadn't seen each other for 15 years, we started writing when my husband died in 2016.

I will miss the person he was in the letters, but not the Dad he was when I was a child.

Ah, I’m sorry. It’s a tough situation x

I’m sorry for your loss, both of the father you wanted as a child, and the man you came to know as an adult. May God grant him rest and you peace..

@Salome61 i am sorry that you are going through this, sorry for the loss of your Dh too.

My dad is nearing end of life, I am finding it very difficult to sort out my emotions. I have a thread actively on here at the moment about this.

I think that I will seek therapy once he’s gone.

take care.

It feels a bit unreal not just in the normal way death does but extra weird because you’re looking at a gap where the grief for a loving parent would be. We can suddenly have an ariel and timeless view of the land we’ve been stumbling about in.

Thank you very much for responding.

I only found out through my 88 year old aunt, who keeps in contact with my estranged brother and his wife. She rang yesterday and said I sounded 'down' - I said of course, my Dad has just died. Originally she told me my Dad had been in a coma for a fortnight - yesterday she said she'd got it wrong, he'd been in a coma for a day and a half. I cannot discuss it with her, she doesn't understand why I estranged him.

I am so sorry @2old4thisshit for your situation - I've searched twice and can't find your thread. Wishing you peace.

I estranged my brother because he ripped me off when my Mum died - I've just found all the awful letters he wrote to my solicitor twenty five years ago. I don't want to be involved in anything as ugly as that again.

So sorry for your loss 😔 💐

Sorry for your loss OP. I remember my grief when my estranged father died. I had always hoped he would be an adult and make things up, and the grief for the lost relationship and what might have been was immense.

What helped me was later holding a memorial for a lost relationship. I hadn't known him, had only met him once, so it wasn't so much for him. But I sent cards to people who loved me, so they knew what I was going through, held a small private ceremony. Made a big difference to mark it.

Sending condoleances. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post.

I'm so sorry 💐🙏

My aunt phoned on Monday - she had phoned my estranged brother to find out about the cremation. Seems it was yesterday, and as it was unattended, could be 'at any time' once the attended cremations were over. Very odd that my brother also organised a 'non attended' cremation for my late Mum.

I did feel odd about it, so decided to go to M&S and buy my future grandson a few things (due January), get some salad and a nice dessert for dinner, and came home to read the letters my Dad had written to me since my husband died. As pen pals we were friends, we just hadn't seen each other for 15 years.

I then watched 'Bucket List' and went to bed early. Thank you for your support.

Non attended cremations are a lot less expensive.

Agree @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon. I paid £4,800 for my husband's funeral and an additional £750 for the food for the wake. I then paid a ridiculous sum for a very special headstone. I've paid Aura for my own non attended cremation and told both of my kids I want them to go for a nice lunch on the day :) I will never know if my Mum or Dad's wishes were to be cremated without a service, I havn't spoken to my brother since 2001 and never will.

Sounds a lovely way to spend the day OP. Reflective but also comforting in doing nice things.

I found out weeks ago that there was a will, and my aunt knew that I was mentioned. I've been thinking about this and she rang yesterday and I asked her if she knew how much I'd been left. She said I've been left £50K. Horrible she's known all this time and chose not to tell me, I do feel annoyed.

It seems my brother told her in early July when my Dad became very poorly that my Dad hadn't left me anything, but 'he'd made sure I got something' in the new will my Dad was making. I have looked at the houses listed on RightMove and my Dad's house could be worth £400K. I mentioned this and my aunt said it won't be worth that much because it hasn't been maintained and my Dad has done his own repairs etc. She said something about 'not shooting the messenger' and I realise that I cannot speak to her about this at all. I want her to acknowledge my brother and SIL are behaving badly towards me, but she obviously wants to keep them on side in case they can be 'of use' to her.

When I put the phone down yesterday I realise I can't bear my aunt and her games, I don't want to be reliant on her for 'messages' any more, and will be avoiding her calls in the future. She is 88 and has lived 25 years longer than my Mum. She chose to maintain contact with my brother and his wife knowing how badly they treated my Mum. Out of a sense of duty to my late Mum I've kept in touch with her but I'm done.

I've probably got a long wait for probate to see the will on line, and for the money, but unlike my Dad, I will help my children.

find out who the executor of his will is and ask for a copy of the will

Thanks - my estranged brother is executor. I haven't spoken to him since 2001 and hope I never have to.

Ok. Just make sure he has your up to date contact details

Thank you. I will check my aunt has given all of my details to him when I can face talking to her again. (I've been thinking since I wrote this and my aunt's attitude towards me changed when I got driving nerves, and couldn't ferry her around when I visited. I visited in May and asked her to go for dinner on the Saturday night - she said isn't it included in your coach trip, I can see you tomorrow. I had booked the Sunday lunch out for her birthday)

When my Dad died my SIL asked her to ring me and tell me - but when my aunt dies, I don't know who will let me know. I have LPOA for my aunt along with her good next door neighbour and friend.

I would just send a letter or a text with your contact details. He will need your bank account details in due course

Bereavement of a person with whom we have had a difficult relationship is doubly hard, so I am sending you a handhold.

Through your shared letters you found a new person - someone you could have a relationship with, albeit at arm's length. Grieve that new person wholeheartedly. Look back over the letters and treasure the good person you found there.

Thank you for posting, I really cannot relax today. I know I am lucky to get something, I think I had secretly hoped he might have shown remorse or he cared by leaving an amount to help me move home to the south, he knows I'm unhappy up here. He will have had a huge amount of cash as well as the house, when probate is granted I'll be able to see on line what's what. I was silly to even expect it. He never apologised for not providing for us as children, or showed any regret for the angst he put us through by his multiple and so very public affairs.

As for the letters I don't want to reread them yet because he referred to a ring he'd given a girl when he asked her to marry him - he 'wondered where it was'. It was in my late Mum's jewellery box. He'd given it to a girl at his work while he was still married to my Mum. I remember my Mum crying after speaking to someone on the phone - the girl had phoned her to ask my Mum to tell him to stay away from her. I have a family tree my Mum wrote out with a few notes and she referred this as a 'blip' in her marriage. I also remember 'Janet's ex husband Philip coming to our house to tell my Mum he was moving back in with her, and to tell my Dad to stay away in future. I bought this up with my aunt recently and she said she knew about his visit and 'Janet' was actually pregnant with her ex husband's child. Horrible. Says it all really, doesn't it.

Very good friend I told has just phoned. She said put it all in a box and throw the key away, it's not worth thinking about!

I’ve had my brother and sil and family blocked on fb for years, and thought I’d unblock and take a look last night. He has a huge family and I found a photo of my Dad looking very happy at a wedding. I really shouldn’t have looked.

I am sorry to be so alone but I disagreed with how they behaved towards my Mum - I couldn’t stay in contact on principle. I remembered tonight the letter my brother sent with my ‘inheritance’ when he said it was ‘a birthday gift’. I will always wonder if my SIL rang the ambulance in time - my Mum had only been living with them a year when she died. As she had breathing problems I couldn’t speak to her on the phone. My poor Mum, a sad end to a sad life.