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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with sister completely broken

6 replies

s20252025 · 01/08/2025 16:11

I'm currently living at home with my parents still as I'm a single parent and cannot afford to move out. I'd love to move out and have my own space, but money wise I just cannot afford it.

My sister was 21 when she moved out, but at that point she'd been with her partner for a while. He's a lot older than her so obviously had more money for them to afford their own place once she was pregnant etc. Since she got with him, we grew apart and although there's been many attempts I've tried to get her to do something with me, we've only ever gone out once in all those years (nearly 16 years). Her partner used to speak to me until around 13 years ago when I had depression (very young and single parent). Since then he won't even say hello the majority of the time. My family have said before that apparently his brother was depressed too and he doesn't get on with his brother now because of him being in supported living etc and going off the rails a couple of times.

Just recently I've been struggling a lot. I've been really poorly for over a month (started with tonsillitis at the end of June and haven't felt better since then - doctors think its post viral syndrome which could last a few months) and at the same time as this, we're currently waiting for my child to be assessed for what they think is autism, pda and adhd. Yes I've broken down into tears a few times, but never to anyone else. I do it when I'm alone and no-one else is around.

This week my child had a huge meltdown which very rarely happens. During these meltdowns they will lash out at me (throwing things, hitting me etc and this week they scratched my face so my eyelid at the moment is cut, but I've managed to cover this easy enough with make-up). I know when my daughter has these meltdowns it's because everything has built up and built up and she's said herself it's like she sees red but she doesn't know what she's doing until I manage to calm her down with techniques I've learnt over this past year or so.

On Wednesday evening, I was moving furniture on my own and managed to bash my finger. I'd left it thinking I'd just bruised it, but due to how painful, bruised and swollen my finger was, I went to the hospital this morning and they've confirmed my finger is broken and I've got to go to fracture clinic next week.

My sister brings my niece's to our house every Friday for us to have them overnight. During this time, her and her partner normally go out for a drink.

This afternoon, I'd popped to the shop and by the time I got home, my sister was already at the house. I walk into the house and my sister starts having a full on go at me and moaning at my child for having a meltdown the other day. Then she tries accusing my child of breaking my finger. It doesn't matter how many times I've told her I smashed my finger off the furniture, she will not listen (I've told her if she's that interested in everything I'll happily install cctv for her to watch me). In the end I've had enough and walked out in tears. She then starts shouting at me about how me and my daughter are apparently 'precious' and she's just slating me for absolutely no reason. I know I should have kept quiet, but I did say to her that her children aren't so perfect themselves. Going around swearing all the time, they won't listen to adults etc).

What makes me even more angry is that she works in childcare and she's actually SEND trained. Her own child goes to a SEND school. Considering my sister is nearly 10 years older than me, you'd think she'd be more understanding and there for me. It's infact the complete opposite and I now feel like I've lost my sister completely. (I've got no other siblings, don't go out anywhere. The last time I went out was 3 years ago to a colleagues retirement meal. It's literally just me on my own.

A few months ago I was struggling money wise as I'd had more money go out than I was meant to have go out. I was embarrassed that I was struggling. I'm not the type to ask for any help at all. She told me it was my own fault that I'm only contracted to 16 hours a week (most of the time we get more hours than this, but there are some months we're cut down to basic hours).

I feel empty, I feel lost. What have I done so wrong?

Just to add, my dad who was the one who decided to run and tell my sister about the other day, guess what? He's been outside since I got home and hasn't come into the house once. Doesn't that say something?!

OP posts:
Ginnygi · 01/08/2025 16:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds like your sister is in quite a privileged situation compared to you. She should be supportive instead of belittling you.
Don't know what to advise just wanted to say it's totally understandable why you feel the way you do.

Germanroadman · 01/08/2025 16:18

s20252025 · 01/08/2025 16:11

I'm currently living at home with my parents still as I'm a single parent and cannot afford to move out. I'd love to move out and have my own space, but money wise I just cannot afford it.

My sister was 21 when she moved out, but at that point she'd been with her partner for a while. He's a lot older than her so obviously had more money for them to afford their own place once she was pregnant etc. Since she got with him, we grew apart and although there's been many attempts I've tried to get her to do something with me, we've only ever gone out once in all those years (nearly 16 years). Her partner used to speak to me until around 13 years ago when I had depression (very young and single parent). Since then he won't even say hello the majority of the time. My family have said before that apparently his brother was depressed too and he doesn't get on with his brother now because of him being in supported living etc and going off the rails a couple of times.

Just recently I've been struggling a lot. I've been really poorly for over a month (started with tonsillitis at the end of June and haven't felt better since then - doctors think its post viral syndrome which could last a few months) and at the same time as this, we're currently waiting for my child to be assessed for what they think is autism, pda and adhd. Yes I've broken down into tears a few times, but never to anyone else. I do it when I'm alone and no-one else is around.

This week my child had a huge meltdown which very rarely happens. During these meltdowns they will lash out at me (throwing things, hitting me etc and this week they scratched my face so my eyelid at the moment is cut, but I've managed to cover this easy enough with make-up). I know when my daughter has these meltdowns it's because everything has built up and built up and she's said herself it's like she sees red but she doesn't know what she's doing until I manage to calm her down with techniques I've learnt over this past year or so.

On Wednesday evening, I was moving furniture on my own and managed to bash my finger. I'd left it thinking I'd just bruised it, but due to how painful, bruised and swollen my finger was, I went to the hospital this morning and they've confirmed my finger is broken and I've got to go to fracture clinic next week.

My sister brings my niece's to our house every Friday for us to have them overnight. During this time, her and her partner normally go out for a drink.

This afternoon, I'd popped to the shop and by the time I got home, my sister was already at the house. I walk into the house and my sister starts having a full on go at me and moaning at my child for having a meltdown the other day. Then she tries accusing my child of breaking my finger. It doesn't matter how many times I've told her I smashed my finger off the furniture, she will not listen (I've told her if she's that interested in everything I'll happily install cctv for her to watch me). In the end I've had enough and walked out in tears. She then starts shouting at me about how me and my daughter are apparently 'precious' and she's just slating me for absolutely no reason. I know I should have kept quiet, but I did say to her that her children aren't so perfect themselves. Going around swearing all the time, they won't listen to adults etc).

What makes me even more angry is that she works in childcare and she's actually SEND trained. Her own child goes to a SEND school. Considering my sister is nearly 10 years older than me, you'd think she'd be more understanding and there for me. It's infact the complete opposite and I now feel like I've lost my sister completely. (I've got no other siblings, don't go out anywhere. The last time I went out was 3 years ago to a colleagues retirement meal. It's literally just me on my own.

A few months ago I was struggling money wise as I'd had more money go out than I was meant to have go out. I was embarrassed that I was struggling. I'm not the type to ask for any help at all. She told me it was my own fault that I'm only contracted to 16 hours a week (most of the time we get more hours than this, but there are some months we're cut down to basic hours).

I feel empty, I feel lost. What have I done so wrong?

Just to add, my dad who was the one who decided to run and tell my sister about the other day, guess what? He's been outside since I got home and hasn't come into the house once. Doesn't that say something?!

From the way you are telling this story you are sounding very passive and very much a victim in your own life. Where is the part you are playing in this, where is your responsibility?

You are way way too emotionally enmeshed with your sister and possibly your parents too.

You need to separate emotionally from them even if you need to stay living with your parents for the time being you should still largely be living your own life separately from them instead of having these confrontations.

You need to start getting to a place when practically and emotionally you are standing on your own two feet.

You and your sister don’t have a good relationship, that is not unusual loads of sisters don’t have a good relationship, stop looking for one, for whatever reason that isn’t possible for you both. Too much resentment on both sides I suspect.

s20252025 · 01/08/2025 16:37

Germanroadman · 01/08/2025 16:18

From the way you are telling this story you are sounding very passive and very much a victim in your own life. Where is the part you are playing in this, where is your responsibility?

You are way way too emotionally enmeshed with your sister and possibly your parents too.

You need to separate emotionally from them even if you need to stay living with your parents for the time being you should still largely be living your own life separately from them instead of having these confrontations.

You need to start getting to a place when practically and emotionally you are standing on your own two feet.

You and your sister don’t have a good relationship, that is not unusual loads of sisters don’t have a good relationship, stop looking for one, for whatever reason that isn’t possible for you both. Too much resentment on both sides I suspect.

I don't even know where things went wrong apart from when I had depression all those years ago. That's when I felt things change and they've never been the same way since.

I'm one of the first to hold my hands up when I have done something, but genuinely I don't know what I've done wrong in this situation. I keep myself to myself. Family doesn't know hardly anything about me as I'm more of a closed book than an open book.

I think I'm just gutted that this is the way things have turned out to be when I've tried so hard over the years and personally I do feel that her partner comes into this too. He doesn't even make the effort to say hello to my family these days. He'll either stay at home or stay in the car. I know he has slated me to her years ago too as she's told me this.

I'm normally a strong person, but these past few months have got to me and that's when I feel myself breaking down. Like you've said though, I think we're past the stage of ever having a good relationship and I need to move on from it all. We used to be so close when we were young which makes it harder too.

OP posts:
s20252025 · 01/08/2025 16:40

Ginnygi · 01/08/2025 16:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds like your sister is in quite a privileged situation compared to you. She should be supportive instead of belittling you.
Don't know what to advise just wanted to say it's totally understandable why you feel the way you do.

Thank you for your reply. She really is and this is what she doesn't realise how much I do struggle at times. I count literally every penny monthly whereas she can afford to go out most weeks and get tattoos often etc too. I'd love for her to swap just for one month and then maybe she would realise just how hard it is for me and how much I try my best to keep everything going, even when I'm struggling.

Just feeling so rubbish about the whole situation 😢. I feel broken.

OP posts:
Workingmum2025 · 01/08/2025 18:55

Why can't you rent somewhere? You will be entitled to help with rent as a top up on low wages, disability support while your child young.

TravelPanic · 01/08/2025 19:58

Sorry op, it’s really tough when relationships don’t work out how we want them too. You haven’t five anything wrong. For whatever reason she’s not supportive of you and unfortunately you’re not going to change her, so I think it’s time to move to the acceptance phase, where you stop trying to be her friend and stop having any positive expectations of her. Just step back and “grey rock” (ie keep things very surface-level and brief when with her).

over time you’ll get used to it and it will become second nature. Best of luck op, hope you get the help you need for daughter. You’re doing a great job.

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