Stuck and scared to act

[Missteefied]

A few months ago I found out my DH had been going to clubs/groups where he was sexually initmate with others, joined online chats with them and was seeking casual sex with strangers, he denies he managed to have sex with anyone.
It has left me feeling betrayed as well as repulsed. I can't see how I can ever respect him or be attracted to him, knowing this. He has also subsequently admitted to a porn addiction which I am also struggling to get my head around
We are each having relationship counselling individually as I am not feeling I want to work on repairing our relationship. There is a history before this of me struggling with some his attitudes and behaviour, I just feel exhausted and let down by him
He very much wants to stay together and is trying to be attentive and supportive, all of which would have helped had he done so in the past, but feels irrelevant to me now

I am struggling to find staying as a couple attractive but do like being part of a family with our DC (all now adults). We still have a DC at home who is vulnerable and not yet able to move out
I am feeling overwhelmed and stuck as leaving DH would have such an impact on our family unit, cause upset and mean we had to sell our home, meaning one of our DCs would lose the home that has provided much needed stability
He won't move out as he wants to stay together and says it would be irresponsible of him to do so (???)
I am so cross DH has done this to our family. I care more about the impact on them, than our marriage really
Meanwhile we are under one roof, me keeping his secrets and not knowing what to do. I feel I am sacrificing my happiness for that of the family if I stay, but too scared to do anything else, as I won't be happy with the consequence either, which is weird I know
Anyone else felt similar, it seems easy to write LTB, but the reality of doing so really difficult

You've already left the relationship psychologically.

Take some time to figure out the finances and logistics of divorce. The future might not seem so bad when you've got your ducks lined up.

He doesn’t love or respect you. He only wants to ‘make it work’ because it benefits him to have the trappings and facade it a family life while he acts like a complete cunt.

Is there a solicitor who offers a free advice session you could speak to? Just to give you an idea of what you would get out of a divorce

It's perfectly understandable not to want to end the life you know. Your husband has been unfaithful multiple times and obviously has no respect for you. You really should get an STD check if you've been sleeping with him.

It's rare that cheaters leave, they often have a devoted wife and understand how they'd be financially worse off in the event of a divorce. They tend to be cake eaters; they want their marriage and sex with others.

I'd separate your lives as he's probably going to continue to cheat. Carry on living in the same house with the facade of a happy marriage.

Do the maths - get your ducks in a row. If the house is sold, you get half the proceeds and whatever other assets you each have - could you get a decent home for you and your remaining DC? Because that might feel better than how you feel now - you’ve got a lot of life ahead of you, you need to be able to live it with a smile on your face.

Thanks for your replies. Just feeling really sad our marriage and family have come to this. If I tell any friends or family about DHs activities, I feel I would be opening a box I can't then shut, so feels scary to take any steps toward having someone to talk to or support me, who is not a counsellor. It feels very lonely

Thanks @Bittenonce for your reply. If we sold the house neither of us would be able to afford to live in the area we do now, so would have to move somewhere else, which would uproot our DC from everything they know and their friends etc. Could afford a small flat maybe but too near retirement to take on another mortgage now

Thanks @Bittenonce for your reply. If we sold the house neither of us would be able to afford to live in the area we do now, so would have to move somewhere else, which would uproot our DC from everything they know and their friends etc. Could afford a small flat maybe but too near retirement to take on another mortgage now

OP, he sounds like he has, if near retirement, gone down a route he won’t be able to come back from, porn addiction, escalating to meeting strangers for sex, which is quite an extreme thing to do.
I too would be disgusted and find it hard to even want to make it work.

your children are adults so you do not need to stay together for them. Yoh may have to sell and buy a smaller two bedroom place. You may have to move out of the area or compromise on location.

But think of the compromise to your mental health if you stay with him after this. Go and get legal advice as you may be able to get a larger chunk of the house equity if he has a larger pension.

Go and get legal advice OP. Keep your options open and I think, perhaps try and talk to one trusted confident in real life for some moral support.

A flat or a new area might be a happier place than the one you’re in…..