Am I wasting my time?!

[ThisGreyLurker]

I am a woman in my early 50s and have been with my partner for over 3 years. We have been through a lot of life changing moments together (my divorce, my house move, a bereavement on his side and issues with work so have got through a lot of things and are still together! He has bought a new house which he is moving into with his 18 year old daughter. They went to all the house viewings together, they chose the house together and they will be choosing the decoration of the house together. I have not been included in any way. Everything about our lives remains completely separate. When I talk about my problems, he just says he has his own problems and has no interest in mine or helping with mine but I am expected to listen to his problems and provide help / support / answers. When I am ill he is not bothered but when he is ill it is completely different! As I am not getting any younger, I don't want to be in a relationship which is not going anywhere and would like to have a proper relationship where we eventually live together and are as one and support each other and help each other. I don't want to be in the same situation in another 3 years, completely separate in all ways from each other and just "casually dating". Is this unreasonable? After over 3 years, I feel that we should be talking about taking the next step and making some sort of commitment to each other and helping and supporting each other. He does not want me to move in with him and is not sure if and when this will happen. I am not going to force the issue but I feel that after over 3 years, we should not be so separate and I am not sure if this is the norm now? I do love him but I don't want to wait around forever "casually dating" at my age. I was just wondering what peoples thoughts and experiences of this are so any feedback is greatly appreciated (but no trolls please!). Thank you x

From everything you have said, he is not your partner. It sounds like he wants a support person and you're it.

It doesn't really matter what everyone else does. If you want to be with someone as a partner and live with them, it sounds like this man isn't for you. The fact that he isn't interested in your problems would be a deal breaker for me.

What exactly is it that you're waiting for, OP?

How do you expect him to go from someone who doesn't show you love, care, attention, concern, emotional availibility, doesn't include you in his life in any way... to a loving and devoted partner?
Given the person he is today, do you really think that's a reasonable thing to expect from him?

He has shown you who he is, over and over and over.
And what have you done? You've tried to love him hard enough so he'll become someone else.

He won't.

Look at the person he is today. The behaviour he's showing you today, this is it for however long you choose to remain in this relationship.
What are you going to do about it?

Are you me?! He is very focused on his own life and it sounds as though you’re a ‘nice to have’ and it’s whether that’s enough for you. I don’t know if it’s the norm but I’d have thought it’s important for a couple to be on the same page about the important things - have you had any conversations about the future?

He has absolutely no interest in progressing your relationship. You are there (when he wants you) to provide him with support and understanding and to look after him when he is ill. He doesn't return the favour - you are not supported, listened to, looked after by him. He doesn't want to share his life with you. You are just on the edges of it.

Please move on. If this is what he is like after 3 years why would you think things will get any better if you keep hanging on in there? He does not value or respect you, things will only get worse.

I think your gut is SHOUTING at you, @ThisGreyLurker …….

Thank you all for your comments, I think deep down I know the answer but he makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable and I doubt myself - he is not all bad but I do feel as though I am "in the background" and at my age, I don't have time to waste! x

Make a life for yourself that does not include a man. You don’t need a man to be happy and fulfilled and certainly not the one you have.

I had the same - my partner made me feel wanting more was somehow demanding and it really wasn’t. Ultimately he may not be all bad but you do deserve to be more central in someone’s life if that is what you want.

This.
You want your boyfriend to morph into a different person.

Would you not rather enjoy the financial security of having your own peaceful property, and enjoy life free from some bloke?

Enjoy dating this man if he truly enhances every aspect of your life.

Why on earth wold you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so uninterested in your life and your problems? End it now so you have time to find a person who actually cares.

Nobody is all bad, OP.
Are you on the same page? Does he make you happy? If no, move on.
Who cares whether he thinks you are unreasonable?

This isn't a good deal for you or a good relationship - he is expecting support from you but offering you nothing in return. He gets all the benefits of a relationship but gives nothing back.

It's the uneven nature and his expectations of the relationship rather than the living arrangements per se that mean it'd be LTB for me.

ETA also he doesn't have to agree and you don't have to convince him you're being reasonable. You can just say that you have different expectations of the relationship therefore you aren't compatible and you don't wish to continue in the relationship. The very fact he thinks he's being reasonable and you unreasonable illustrates this incompatibility.

in all honesty what does he add to your life? do you at least have good sex?? if not, just seems like a waste of time. life is short, you'd probably have a better time even on your own

He doesn’t sound very nice. He doesn’t include you in his life and wants you to treat him better than he treats you.

It isn’t a balanced relationship. He blames you for hoping it could be.

You are an optional extra to him- added value. A service.

Come on, OP, this is a man who wants you there to support him in his life, while he pays you no attention at all.

It would be far better to separate from him. He's not your partner in any sense of the word and he's not your friend, either.

FWIW I find single men with adult daughters tend to expect them to take on the role of a partner (in a non-sexual sense) so they use them for company, entertainment and support.

I think it's fine to keep to separate residences if it's what you both want. But it's not what you want. He isn't supportive when you need him to be which would be a dealbreaker for me. You need to think hard about whether this relationship is what you want going forward. What is he bringing to your life? It doesn't sound like he is as invested in the relationship as you are.

He doesn't want what you want.

You want a growing relationship, he wants a wife appliance he doesn't have to marry or live with or put any work into.

Stop wasting your time.

It’s actually very common for older people not to want to cohabit or blend families - that would be the perfection relationship for a lot of women 50+ however that’s not what you want and so thinking you can wait until he changes his mind isn’t going to happen, he’s happy with separate living.

He doesn’t sound very supportive though either which is the bigger issue to me. If it’s all give and no take for you then it won’t get any better.

You know what you’ve got to do.

Rip the plaster off, and set yourself free to find what you are looking for.

And always listen to your instincts. People like him will keep you right where they want you, for as long as it benefits them.

Each point in this is correct. You are his Jeeves.

When I talk about my problems, he just says he has his own problems and has no interest in mine or helping with mine but I am expected to listen to his problems and provide help / support / answers

Got to this point and didn't read further.

Yes you're wasting your time