Post separation abuse- a place to share

[thismorning123]

Ive looked online and there does not seem to be alot for women who are out of the relationship and co parent with their abuser but they still are getting abuse post relationship.

I feel like no one around me gets it. Im out of the relationship and have been for 8 years but he still finds ways to get to me. Mostly using our DS as a weapon as he knows this will hurt me.
I know hes in our DS ear, probably says horrible things. Can tell DS is scared of upsetting him so is a people pleaser. Im trying so hard to undo all the bad.
I cant just have DS with me though because he dragged me through court and won 50/50. Re abused me through court which is so common for them to do to us. Played such a good game and acted like he was the victim. He is so good at manipulation!
Everyone thought i was being unreasonable not wanting him to have 50%. I knew it wouldn't be good for DS but no one would listen.
Emotional abuse is so hard to prove. Hes clever. He knows what buttons to press.
When DS comes home I can see the emotions in him but there's nothing I can do expect give him a safe space here to express all his feelings and emotions.

Why is there not more support for us. The ones who co parent and can see the damage the abuser is doing to our children. The courts and cafcass need more training on abuse.

I wanted to start this thread for us to share our stories and for a bit of a support. No one in my life gets it but I know others who have been through the same get it.
Please feel free to use this to communication or even just rant. I know it helps to share stories and not feel so alone.

I hear you OP. It is an awful situation to be in.

I keep meaning to start a log of incidents in the hope that demonstrating the relentlessness of it all would help (individually things can be explained away). But I haven’t; I’m ground down.

Have a look at Chantal Contorines on instagram. There must be others like her too.

Several years post breakup my ex reported me for fraud which resulted in my bank accounts being blocked and having no access to my own money until I could sort it out. I had to close the account that he paid maintenance into so he wouldn't do it again (on advice of the bank) but that left nowhere for him to pay maintenance into unless I wanted to risk him doing that again. Even if I set-up a non geographic account he can still maliciously report it. I would have to go through Child Maintenance Service but we'd lose a percentage in fees - he didn't work and only paid the minimum £7 a bloody week anyway so hardly worth it. I'm sure the fight would give him a sick thrill so I've just decided to walk away and not give him the satisfaction of my attention.

I'm annoyed that there's no support from CMS in situations like this.

Best advice I was given was to keep a diary.
There may come a time when you will need to show exactly what has been going on. Having it all written down is very telling to the Court.
Only communicating through a parenting app is also helpful.

This organisation looks good: https://www.mumsinneed.com

Absolutely I can so relate to feeling worn down and not writing it down.
Im trying really hard to do it.
What I've done is on WhatsApp you can write to yourself so I've put voicenotes or typed pieces. Much easier than writing it on paper for me personally as I have my phone with me most of the time.
Like you say individually its easy to explain away and I guess it's building that picture.

That's absolutely awful. I cant believe they just froze your bank account like that too. Surely they get malicious things come through all the time!
These are the types of things that we cant get away from even if we don't communicate with them

This does look amazing. One of the best charities I've seen. Unfortunately its only for Sheffield and surrounding areas.

That's what I have found, I cant access some charities even in my county because you can only access if you live in a certain catchment as that's what their funding is from. Its a real shame there are barriers even for us to access support.

An emotional abuser once they can’t get to you they get to you through your children , my ex is constantly giving digs , sometimes be nice and I always know what’s coming when he is nice , it’s all an act they want us to fail not thrive all while bringing children up …a strong person should want to see there children’s mum doing ok after all we are caring for their child but that’s not the case with an abuser , the child is now the weapon and constant games r played I got that low I wanted to give up I was tired of the uncertainty, tired of wondering when my child was home as he would just keep him and when I asked when he was bringing children back he would ignore or say dunno or when child wants to ,
I’m still being told I’m the problem and he drank because I never gave him anything in return and always says I done nothing for him and it’s my fault my child comes from a broken home this is over 2 years down the line
I’ve had a injunction out for his emotional and criminal damage but soon as it’s ran out he’s back to playing games and threatening
I woke up few days ago and it just clicked I am giving this person all this power over me , how can I stop this and it’s so hard when kids r involved but trying to co parent amicably is only one sided and it’s the abusers side it’s there way or no way !!
it’s only the child that suffers and it’s time to look for help and take the relevant legal steps ENOUGH is ENOUGH

Yes completely agree and sorry you're going through this. They are looking for any reaction weather that's positive or negative. They certainly do like using the children when their tactics no longer work.
Mine now uses our sons facetimes to drop into conversation where hes taking him and where they are going. Tbh I find all of that laughable and pathetic. He seems to be in some competition but im not playing.
I know people have suggested grey rock method. Its so hard to do this when they are pressing the buttons they know will work.

Also can you reapply now for your injuction? I know we shouldn't have to but at least it will bring you some sort of peace.

@thismorning123 ohh yes FaceTime it will be aimed at you but definitely try to ignore they know how to hit a nerve because it’s laughable it’s always the fun side , I’m working that out too any reaction is what they want because when I respond to a msg which I generally don’t unless child focused he seems to thrive or put a laughing face back so immature

the issue is more our child arrangements, I’ve never prevented him from seeing our child and I never would (unless at harm obviously) but it’s like he’s planning on something he keeps saying how our child doesn’t want to come home to me and he should have our child full custody etc
he tells me what days I can have our child when our child lives with me , some days he can agree on returning my child other days he will just say dunno when my child is back …or he will drop it on me saying he’s on his way right now it just anything to be awkward is how it comes across but he thinks am the problem , he goes off wherever he feels like it and sends the odd drunk message to which I ignore but when it comes to child arrangements I can’t ignore , I’ve asked many times for some routine but he can’t agree because he thinks that’s too beneficial to me …..he believes he should just get him when he rings and make all arrangements