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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling a bit lost, pre wedding jitters or not?

11 replies

Reallynotsure25 · 31/07/2025 21:41

I’ve been with my fiancé for years, always lived apart and only recently moved in together. We are getting married within the next few months. We’ve always got on so well, hardly ever argue and both DCs get on so well. The problem is since we moved in he is so critical of everything, it’s driving me mad. Eg housework, what DC does and compares it to his DC. We’ve already discussed how to try and live harmoniously and I just assumed we would continue to be open with each other but the criticisms are doing my head in. It’s completely taken the shine off the wedding planning and I’m worried that my feelings are changing.

Obviously I expected that this change in living arrangements may raise some issues , we both have our own way of doing things, but it’s the daily moans that are wearing me down and making me have second thoughts. I’m willing to meet him halfway but he doesn’t seem to reciprocate.

I’m trying to be positive, to hear his side as well as get my point across, but not sure how much longer I can keep this up. It’s like I’m seeing a different side to him.

So, I’m not sure whether this is just pre wedding nerves, or whether things will settle down over the next few weeks, but doubts are starting to creep in.

Not sure what I want from this thread, guess just needed to get this off my chest. Don’t want to speak to anyone IRL about it, because I feel silly and childish.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 31/07/2025 21:52

Dont do anything for a while yet. Stall him until you’ve had more cohabitation time together. No need to rush. It’s a huge step in the wrong direction if you’re not sure.

Amperoblue · 31/07/2025 22:05

I been with DH for 20 years. Married 7. Never lived together even now our kids are adults.

Honestly if it works better apart ( blended families should do this more) stay apart..

Reallynotsure25 · 01/08/2025 22:02

PashaMinaMio · 31/07/2025 21:52

Dont do anything for a while yet. Stall him until you’ve had more cohabitation time together. No need to rush. It’s a huge step in the wrong direction if you’re not sure.

I’ve slept on it and think I’m still going to go ahead with it on reflection. Think this is a rough patch and things should settle down

OP posts:
Reallynotsure25 · 01/08/2025 22:02

Amperoblue · 31/07/2025 22:05

I been with DH for 20 years. Married 7. Never lived together even now our kids are adults.

Honestly if it works better apart ( blended families should do this more) stay apart..

I’m happy it works for you but I really didn’t want to spend married life living apart

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 01/08/2025 22:27

I would be concerned. Firstly do you want to live with someone who constantly criticises you and secondly do you want to live with someone who compares your child to theirs unfavourably? And there’s been no reasoning/compromise. I’d be taking a step back from the relationship.

Octoberfest · 01/08/2025 22:30

No. Stop. Please do not get married. This is only going to get worse not better when you have tied the knot

Octoberfest · 01/08/2025 22:30

Wishful thinking is not a solution

Indicateyourintentions · 01/08/2025 22:31

I would book some couple counselling now before the wedding. Learning to communicate better is essential.
Him whinging and criticising on a daily basis is not a ‘rough patch.’ It’s him showing you who he is. He’s also playing a bit of top dog; my way is better, my kid is better.
Get these essential skills in early, waiting for things to settle down gives him the wrong idea that as you are not objecting then his way must be the right way.
Fuck that.

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 01/08/2025 22:32

You need to have a conversation with him and sooner rather than later. You can't go into a marriage feeling so unhappy.
If you can't sort this issue out amongst yourselves, then you need to walk away.
Divorce is an awful thing to have to deal with.

JaniceScott · 01/08/2025 22:52

Since I got divorced I realise how utterly wonderful it is to just be me. Yes, I’m untidy. So what? I also sometimes forego dinner and eat doughnuts. Now I just get to be me and it’s great. You really shouldn’t have to turn yourself down ever

candycane222 · 01/08/2025 23:05

No no no. He is not treating you as an equal. He thinks living with you means he gets a housekeeper who he can boss around, and he doesn't seem to be able to cope with the idea that another child might exceed his own in some respects. I think you are assuming he sees marriage exactly as you see it. I don't think he does. I think you'll find you and he have agreed to something very different, and one or quite likely both of you is going to be permanently disappointed. The time to establish exactly what each of you understands marriage to mean is now, so if it turns out to be two very incompatible ideas, there is time to withdraw before you are both committed to a lifetime of clashing expectations.

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