Long term relationship - sick of his stress and anger

[iloveyoubutilovememore]

So I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years, together for 16. We have two beautiful boys (8 & 4). Before I explain my concerns about him I think it’s useful to add that I’m no angel myself and both of us are sensitive and highly strung. Our relationship hasn’t been smooth sailing like most, we grew up together and have put a great deal of effort in to make this work. I love him dearly, he’s my best friend and is a brilliant dad.

Now where I come up stuck. I’m so sick and tired of his stress and anger. This isn’t new, I’d even go as far as to say it’s his natural disposition? Or learnt behaviours in childhood. Most weeks he is stressed, often about work or our children. And as per usual because I’m the one closest to him I get the brunt of it. Snappy, short and at times disrespectful towards me. We argue often although I’m really conscious about not doing this in front of our children. They have witnessed us arguing and it really affects my eldest.

Today We have been packing for a camping trip. Up until this afternoon things have been fine, dare I say good. He comes over saying he feels faint and dizzy. Says it repeatedly so I say do you need to see a doctor? ‘No I’ll be fine’ then goes and lays down. I carry on packing as we are going tonight. Eventually comes down and moans about not having a clean tshirt. By this point I’m pissed off that once again I’m sorting multiple things out alone so I respond with ‘here you go here’s a clean one I hope that meets your expectations’ he then snaps back (with our children in the next room) ‘shut the fuck up, I’ve had enough of your digs fucking shut up’ I say ‘absolutely disgraceful’ and leave the room. My son then follows me upstairs and I tell him off for not putting his shoes on for the tenth time. Obviously I felt awful after this and shortly after gave him a cuddle and apologised for what he heard us say to one another. The guilt is bloody awful.

since all this we have spoken barely, he doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so angry with him about this? Thinks it’s okay because I nag at him… I feel like he’s trying to manipulate me. I honestly don’t know if I’m happy anymore but most importantly, I don’t want my kids to witness any of this rubbish (like I did).

appreciate any advice, particularly if you’ve been in a similar situation. X

Honestly if someone told me to shut the fuck up I'd probably be done. Certainly if it was anything more than a total one off due to extreme stress. Which, this wasn't.

He isn't a good dad if he talks to you like that. Let alone infront of them.

The only reason you'd need to feel guilty would be for continuing this farce of a relationship.

You also need to be clear with kids that we leave when people treat us badly. Otherwise there's nothing to stop them repeating the cycle of being in abusive relationships like you have.

You can't have a man be angry like that in the home around young children who are easily influenced. It's not on.

Sorry you are dealing with this op.

I don’t think it sounds like it’s his stress and anger that is the primary problem although that’s a big part of it obviously.

It’s the; “ By this point I’m pissed off that once again I’m sorting multiple things out alone” that’s the issue! In other words, the thing that is leading to conflict. Anger doesn’t usual appear in a vacuum! It’s a response to something.

Sounds as if this is a pattern and you are understandably sick of him not stepping up.

Did you believe that he was feeling faint and dizzy or was he trying to get out of helping? Or is he trying to get out of the camping trip?
Does he often feign illness? It’s a big red flag if so.

Edited to say that I agree with other poster that saying “shut the fuck up” to your spouse or partner, at any time, but especially when children are present, is completely unacceptable. And another red flag in itself. It’s abusive.

I think the most important factor in all of this right now is how it's affecting your boys.
If neither of you are able to prevent it from happening then you shouldn't be together. Not when it's upsetting your children.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing to?. It sounds like you’re repeating your own crap childhood with your now husband. When did you and your now h get together?. Have you ever spent any of your adult life single?. You seem to be utterly dependent on him and that is your downfall too. If he’s your best friend then that also tells me your boundaries are skewed.

You write that you do not want your kids to witness any of this rubbish but the fact is they both are and have done for some time . You write that your eldest is particularly affected by seeing you two argue. His home is not the safe sanctuary it should be. Is that not enough to get you to leave your abuser?. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would think this man does not treat his work colleagues or outsiders like he does to you. This is how abusers operate and the image of the family man is all important to them.

You are in an abusive relationship with him and so this marriage should now end. All your words are those they women in poor and or otherwise abusive relationships write. He is not a good dad to your children if you and in turn they are being treated like this. You’ve tried to make this work but you cannot do this on your own. Use women’s aid and a solicitor to extricate yourself from this person.

Abuse like this takes time, years even, to recover from and that process in you will only properly start when you have separated from
him. One days your kids will leave home and far sooner than later in the event you decide to stay with him.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Make better choices with both you and they in mind going fowards.

This.

It’s really awful growing up in this kind of hostile and toxic environment.

There's obviously resentment on both sides. Does he treat you like a parent? As he doesn't seem very independent.

What was wrong with him? Because it comes across as skiving while you do the drudge work.

You obviously need to talk to him as no one should be spoken to like that. Ask him to get some help to better manage his emotions as you're not his punchbag.

Well, on the surface, this doesn't sound like a great relationship from either of you. But I agree with a PP - the comment you made about "again" having to deal with everything is the one that jumped out at me.

Interestingly, you say the issue is his stress and anger. But your example is actually about him claiming to be unwell, disappearing off so that you have to do all the work, and then him being pissed off for a reason I'm not 100% clear on but is it becuase you're not sympathetic enough or because you're a bit annoyed yourself that you had to do all the work? His so-called stress and anger feel like secondary issues - the main issue is that you get frustrated by his behaviours and he thinks you have no right to do so.

This.
If my DH had said to me what he said to you he would be out first time he said it. We have been together for 44 years and have never sworn at each other. Sorry but it is damageding your children.