DH went behind my back with son

[tamagnochi]

This is obviously no BIG deal at all on the grand scheme of life and things!!

BUT DH went behind my back and allowing son to play games on his phone when I’m not there..

my DS told me that in the evening when I pop out him and dad are going to play a game on dads phone..

he is only 6 and I hate gaming with a passion - certainly for a 6 year old..

my son told me and then I heard dad say ‘shhhhh’ not supposed to say anything..

how would you feel?

Depends on the game.

A bit of candy crush..who cares really. Online gambling.. maybe not.

It's not appropriate to encourage keeping secrets from parents

And at age 6 does he really really need to be on a phone gaming?

I am very anti screens and games and I feel he is using this to get in the ‘good books’ with our DS.. I don’t like sneaking about it..

it’s a logic game but still a game and a screen right before bedtime..

DH loves games and has played for years..

I can understand why you feel the way you do because your DH is teaching him to have secrets from you. That is not acceptable. You need to have a chat with you DH so that you are both on the same page with gaming. I think gaming is ok in moderation as long as it’s suitable for a 6 year old. If you take away all gaming your son might become obsessed as a teenager due to being deprived so all in moderation i would say. Good luck

Exactly I don’t like the sneakiness of it and trying to keep it from me..

I think your DH should have told you upfront that he wanted to allow some games and shouldn't encourage your son to keep secrets from you.

I think you're unreasonable to say a blanket no to him sharing something he loves with his son. A complete no with no room for negotiation was always going to lead to either conflict or secrecy.

I enjoy gaming too, I do think 6 is a bit young for actual consoles but I let mine play some free apps on their tablets (for limited and controlled time).

I also appreciate how you feel because I was very anti screens in young children but 6 is beginning to be a reasonable age to allow some limited screentime.

I'd say the way forward is :
Him promising that he will stop encouraging DS to hide things from you
You allowing x amount of time per day or per week for gaming and being reasonable around what it suitable or not (for instance : " no screen time just before bed" is reasonable).

Can I add that playing logic games with my father (myst and similar) are some of my best memories. I only wish we could have played more together. It definitely was a fun thing to do together.

Also, my mother tried to blanket ban japanese animation because she thought it was dumb. Guess what became my passion as a rebellious teen...

Last thing I want to say - with my kids I try to make screen time a reward rather than the default. So if my kids ask for it I'll tell them "you can watch tv once you've tidied up the living room" for instance. So far it works pretty well. You could use this as incentive for your son to do his homework, prepare his bag for the next day, do extra reading practice, etc.

Thank you

It's a game, it's not going to turn his eyes square!
Very old fashioned thinking, I've played games my entire life, it does 0 harm unless the parent is terrible and uses it as a replacement for attention.
Let the boy play a game with his father, you're not even there!
He isn't telling you because he knows you're going to react like this and post the bloody thing online.
Imagine having to hide the fact you're playing a logic phone game with your son!
Poor fella.

I am very anti screens and games.

Obviously your H feels differently, where’s the compromise.

and I feel he is using this to get in the ‘good books’ with our DS.

Or, is it the way he bonds with his son. The lack of respect for the other parent, apparently goes in both directions. Screen time is the least of your worries, the unhealthy co parenting relationship is much more concerning.

You and your H need to grow up and find a way to compromise.

He’s his Dad. They are having fun together. You need to get over it. Totally reasonable to have a no screen rule when you are parenting him though.

This elevates the status of screen time. It doesn't help at all if you want your kids not to think too much about screens.

The issue is not the game, it's the keeping secrets.

It needs a proper conversation but if your DP doesn't stop encouraging your kid to lie you have a serious issue that will probably just get worse.

Screen time is already seen as the ultimate reward so that doesn't make much of a difference. And the bonus is that sometimes they actually forget about it in the time it takes to complete the task - for instance if they're supposed to get dressed, they usually start playing in their room. If they're supposed to tidy up, they start playing with the very toys they're supposed to be putting away.

In your house, but not in all houses, and if other people want their kids not to be obsessed with screens it helps to not make them a reward.

Well, if you restrict screen time it will be seen as something desirable in any case.
So your options are not restrict it (and see if that makes them crave it any less ! I wouldn't think so)
Or do restrict it and find ways to manage it.
It's perfectly fair for you to have a different opinion but that doesn't make mine automatically wrong.
And while I agree that not every method works for every household - or indeed, every child - the whole point of posting on a forum is to get different answers and see which one works best for you.

There's another way, which not all children fall in with (so then you have to choose restrict or not) but is much the easiest place to start - make a focused effort not to turn it into a desirable item. Don't offer it, don't encourage it, don't promote it, don't invest time or money in it. Treat like a boring thing while you actively promote and encourage all the other healthier and less troublesome things.

If that works, life is easier. If it doesn't, parents can default back to your two options anyway.

Parents have a fair amount of influence in this area in the early habit-forming years and using it as much as they can is worth a try.