How do you heal from emotional abuse?

[parrotywotsit]

I left my emotionally abusive relationship seven months ago and, although I'm doing okay, I feel like I need to process what happened.

I'm not eligible for counselling for this on the NHS and sadly can't afford private. What, apart from this, would you recommend to someone looking to actively heal?

Get friends. Go out. Have some fun and never ever dwell on it. Plan for the future and live life. Kick the shit into touch.

I’m not a psychologist, but this is what worked for me:

Working towards trying to understand what happened to me and why I allowed it to happen. I read Why Does He Do That and lots of self help books, watched tons of YouTube videos by victims and therapists.

Creating a new and rich life for me - started to paint, took up an instrument I had played decades ago, made new friends via Meet-up, went to many events that I had always wanted to attend but didn’t because I had felt that I ‘couldn’t’ on my own, invested time in ‘self-care’, started exercising seriously…

It took a while but ultimately it was life-changing.

It may be worth double checking that you're definitely not eligible for counselling on the NHS, as I know lots of areas where you can self-refer for anxiety / depression counselling and emotional abuse would just be part of the causes discussed that led to the anxiety.

You could also look if there is anywhere in your area that is running the freedom programme? A local DV charity near to me is running one currently that's free for women to join, I think it's once a week for 6 weeks or so

Also absolutely agree on books and youtube videos - Dr Ramani on Youtube is great if you want to look into the narcissism side. And the Lundy Bancroft book already mentioned is good for information on abuse more generally.

In one of the Dr Ramani books I read it mentioned something about building the life you couldn't have in an abusive relationship... think of all the things you couldn't have done and deliberately build those into your life. It can be big things, but also the smaller stuff... Have a lie-in if you want to, go out late at night if you want to, join a new hobby if you want to, eat and watch whatever you like etc..

Self help books are your friends (out of fog, the new codependency, women who love too much, the narcissist play book and more). After years they are still on my bookshelf, the wisdom from them helped me to find my own worth, my own voice and massively helped later in relationships. You can buy used ones on amazon or vinted.

Try to understand what happened, why did it happen, what flags have you ignored and why. It is important, it will save you from doing the same mistakes in the future.

Build a good support network, friends and family you can be open with and ask for support and listening ear when needed.

I hear people are using chat GPT for counselling, not tired that but maybe give it a shot to see if it works?

Work on yourself, build a nice life, healthy food, exercise, walks, hobby, friends, places to go. Fill your time with nice activities, positive movies. Don't get stuck at what happened, get your lessons out of it and build your better future.

It'll take time, but you owe yourself that.

Good luck 💐

I echo @GoingtoChichester in the changes I made. The only thing I’d add is that I’ve taken up meditation.

Takes a while to rediscover yourself.

Freedom Programme is an excellent idea if you can find one.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do what you were unable to do while in the relationship, and don't get caught up in another until you’ve got your perspective back and can recognise red flags.

Use AI, like co pilot. It’s instant free therapy. It’s great!

also self help books

also, just time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be over it too quickly. EA relationships are so damaging and healing is slow. Allow yourself to have the hurt and the feelings .

It takes a while but you will get there
just the usual kind of stuff really, be kind on yourself, it's ok to say no. Personally I would recommend gardening if you have that available to you, there's something very therapeutic about having your hands in the soil and creating something beautiful from nothing whilst having the thinking time whilst you're doing it. But time, it's time that's the greatest healer.
Taking a long look at yourself is never a bad thing, it's not your fault you know that. It's a case of working out where you went wrong (poor choice of words I accept that but not sure how else to phrase it) and why which can be the hard part if you're forced to have a rethink about the way you were brought up as I was. But you will get there and all the stronger for the self reflection and discovery along the way. I started my self reflection 13 1/2 years ago. I'm still finding out things about myself, but I believe I'm in a good place now. Different set of life problems now based around bereavement, but I'm far better placed to be able to deal with them. I often think that all the crap I've been through in the past has made me resilient enough to cope with the current stuff.

It can take a long time. Lots of people who have gone through this find themselves numb, find that emotions hit unexpectedly or have continuing trauma responses. If you have to have ongoing contact or are in situations that cause you to have to think about the abuser a lot (eg co-parenting) it can be an obstacle to rebuilding. Be as easy on yourself as possible. Try to do positive things you enjoy. Try to connect with people. Try to make choices that bring down stress. Be in nature, exercise, listen to music, absorb culture. But also go slow, make time to take it easy. Let yourself feel when emotions come. Let yourself cry if you feel it coming up.

As well as this, getting your head around what happened can feel important; not just carrying it with you and pretending it didn’t but acknowledging it is there and it’s real. If you have any trusted friends who don’t mind talking about it and are good listeners, it is helpful to talk. It’s helpful to dip into reading and listening to things that reflect your experience and can help you feel less alone. Writing a journal can be helpful.

There’s a more recently-developed course than The Freedom Programme called Own My Life which is worth looking into if it’s available in your area.