AIBU to consider divorce?

[enwwedinewydd]

DH has lost our savings and run up £75k of credit card debt through gambling. I think I want to divorce him, mainly because I want to limit my liability for these debts and also live without worrying that one day our house could be at risk.

However - I do feel sorry for him. He is not in great mental or physical health at the moment and I feel a bit shit just abandoning him to sort it out alone. If I had done something like this I feel he would be really supportive and help me to pay it off. In sickness and in health and all that. He didn’t set out to harm anyone, although obviously he has. And technically it was his money that he lost (pension lump sum) but we had discussed using it as part of our retirement plans. He is 63, I’m 54. We have DC who are students so still dependent to an extent.

Should I be feeling guilty about this? I don’t hate him or anything, so maybe there is a way to divorce and separate myself from him legally and financially, live separately but remain friends and still support each other? I think I would worry about him if he was completely on his own and the DC might end up feeling an obligation to look after him.

Anyone have experience of this?

I would get advice from a solicitor about what likely financial settlement might look like. If you're going to end up having to give him half of your pension or something because he's burned through his own, you might want to think again.
In the meantime, make sure he can't burn his way through any of your other savings and so on.
With regards his addiction, he needs intensive treatment to break his habit. The question is whether he wants to do that though.
I would be looking to get out, separate my finances and leave him to it.

The general advice would be to divorce in order to protect your own money, house etc.

But you could do that for administrative purposes and still be supportive and on good terms. How well that could work might depend on whether there has been lies/betrayal around the situation, and how you feel about that, and how much he is willing and able to do to remedy things eg seeking mental health support, working to pay debts off. You shouldn't feel obliged in the circumstances, and its OK to change your mind about being supportive at a later date.

Given your ages you need to get a good plan in place for retirement.

If you search other threads there is always good advice, and links to things like Step Change for managing debt.

What a pillock! But yes, you need to protect yourself, the best way might actually not be to divorce (you'll then get 50% of his debts....): So transfer the house into your name. It will cost you in fees, but it's worth it. If you have joint accounts, cards, close them down. Now. Any other major assets (Car, etc); Transfer out of his name, 'sell' to you or the children.
That should protect you at least.
Then, if he's got next to no assets, it might be worth him being declared bankrupt - Best to take professional advice on this, but it might not harm anything other than his pride, at this stage in life.
First thing though must be to transfer everything into your name only and close down any joint accounts.

Thanks everyone. Will I really be liable for 50% of his debts? I am hoping to agree 50/50 but with personal debt taken out of the calculation. (I also have some credit card debt but just a couple of thousand, and I have a student loan.)

We have separate accounts apart from the mortgage - I hadn’t thought about transferring that to my name, I’m not sure he would agree to that. He still has his pension main pot and a monthly income from it, and is still working and is on a fairly good salary. He might be able to pay it off in a few years I think. But I don’t want to have anything to do with it, I feel like I can’t trust him and don’t want to have to keep watch or take over managing his finances. My situation is slightly complicated by working part-time over the last few years while doing a degree with a view to changing career. I’m just starting my last year so will be ready to go full-time again in May but might struggle to get a mortgage based on my recent income. I do have a pension that I think I can start taking in a few months when I turn 55 so that might help and there is some equity in the house albeit with a bit of mortgage still to go. I have a call with a financial advisor tomorrow morning. We will have to sell the house and we won’t be able to afford to stay around here but that’s ok.

I do feel betrayed and I feel like he has let us all down but I’m trying not to be angry now. I don’t want to be furious all the time. I just feel really sad that the later life I was looking forward to with him isn’t going to happen. But equally I think it might be a huge relief to just get out and worry about looking after myself for a change.

I think I will arrange to see a solicitor to figure out whether divorce is financially sensible or not. I had a free consultation yesterday but it wasn’t that helpful. They did say that as I didn’t know what he was doing and I haven’t had any benefit from it, I probably wouldn’t be liable. But I guess that debt might still be taken into consideration when adding up our individual worth. As long as I can afford somewhere to live, I’d be happy with half of what the house is worth (or a bit more to take into account that I provided the deposit and also spent some of my redundancy money on an extension). Then maybe one of us keeps the car and contributes something to the other for buying a car. And whoever the DC live with while studying gets a contribution from the other. Does that sound possible? His pension is better than mine I think, so I would like to check that I’m not missing out on £££ with a deal like that.

The general start point is adding all assets (yes including pensions,equity in the house rather than house value) and all debts, then splitting. A solicitor would be able to advise if the circumstances meant it likely you’d be able to disregard his recent gambling debts. Legally the DC are adults so should fend for themselves. Obviously can’t say how long it would take to pay off without knowing his income, but the credit card interest is likely to be £25k??
Really a lot is down to whether you want to be with him going forward or whether you feel too let down. I’d still suggest putting assets in your name if you decide to stay, as his behaviour shows a serious addiction that in all likelihood will not go away quickly or easily, all I can really say is be very careful, don’t make assumptions. And good luck!

I was advised that in a Divorce any serious losses that the other partner was responsible for - in this case Gambling Debts would be their liability not a joint one.

But yes you need to protect yourself

I’d be selling the family home and splitting the profits. Then he can use his profit to pay off his debt. It’s not your fault if he’s left with no money left for another house deposit. This is his mess to clean up.

Id be absolutely furious that he’d put such a huge spanner in your retirement plans. I don’t think I could move past it.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce and from that start divorce proceedings. He's already mounted up 75K credit card debt as well as burning through his savings. It could also cost you your home ultimately.

You may well feel sorry for him but he was neither thinking of yourself nor his family when those bets were placed. You need to protect yourself here.

Should I be feeling guilty about this? I don’t hate him or anything, so maybe there is a way to divorce and separate myself from him legally and financially, live separately but remain friends and still support each other? I think I would worry about him if he was completely on his own and the DC might end up feeling an obligation to look after him.

If that's what you feel you want to do, and would feel best about, do that. Trust yourself. It breaks a lot of marriages and relationships altogether. I'd think he would be mightily relieved that you're willing to still know him. Obviously he needs to seek help now for the gambling addiction and get practical advice and assistance to restructure and repay the debt he has run up. He won't be retiring any time soon. Is his working life linked to his poor MH at all or is it other factors?

Thank you everyone. You are right Attila that he was not thinking of us. He also nearly landed DS in the shit by not paying something he said he would and not telling him. I found that pretty hard to take. I looked a right idiot saying to DS who came to me in a panic because he was being threatened with legal action - the one thing we don’t have to worry about is that dad hasn’t paid it because he would never do that, so it must be a mistake. And then it all came out, he hadn’t paid it because he didn’t have it. I don’t think I can move past it. I feel it was really deceitful and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living with someone I can’t trust. He hasn’t technically lied because funnily enough I never thought to ask whether he had gambled away the money. But we have had plenty of conversations lately about sorting out some financial advice to decide what to do with the savings, when to retire etc. He has never been good at taking responsibility for fuck ups and has already started mentioning how vulnerable he was, I think he is framing it in that way to make the guilt more comfortable. I’m not interested in his self pity, I just want out. My share of the equity, no liability for his debts, a few thousand towards a car if he keeps ours and a bit of help to support the kids if they’re living with me while they’re still in education would be fine. And staying in touch, supporting him a bit emotionally is fine, if only to spare the DC any sense of responsibility for that. But separate houses.

Work is fine I think, he does it well and seems in demand. The poor mental health is mostly to do with poor physical health I think. He had a heart attack a couple of years ago and hasn’t been particularly well since really, mainly because he doesn’t look after himself. He has gone from being a very outward looking, curious person interested in everything and out and about all the time to someone with a very small life of work and watching tv. He doesn’t have many friends and the ones he does have live far away so he doesn’t see them often. He has hardly any family left. It’s quite sad really. His health is improving now and he stopped gambling when it did (so he says… although this also seems to have coincided with running out of credit).

I think I could be a good friend to him in future and happy to do that, but that wouldn’t work if we stay together. I think things would just fester.

I do think that if it were me in this position, he would do everything he could to help me and that does make me feel bad. I would never do it though!

That’s very traumatic for you and your kids.
My father did the same thing to us. He lost all our money and home. He also piled on credit card debt. My mum stayed to help him repay.
to this day I cannot forgive him. He consciously put his addiction above his family. Something similar also happened to me with regards to your son receiving legal action. How humiliating and traumatic.
Of course this came on top of years of emotional unavailability and covert narcissism. Addiction is narcissistic.
He caused unspeakable trauma to me and my brother. I have had intensive psychotherapy and have gone no contact with him. Have also gone no contact with my mother because her co-dependency resulted at her not protecting her kids. I just cannot forgive her. And yes I am so much happier without them in my life.

@Christl78 Thank you so much for sharing your story, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It has made me determined to make sure I am putting the children ahead of DH. I am starting to think that he is quite good at winning us all around but actually I am the one who is there for them emotionally. He is just not that interested in other people.

It’s all a bit weird because it’s DD’s birthday this week and she has friends staying so since DH dropped this bombshell we haven’t had a chance to talk about it. We are all carrying on as if nothing has happened and so I may not know the full truth of it yet.

Yep health issues whether chronic or acute really do a number on your mental health. It's a shame that psychological rehab isn't automatically given after these events as it is often needed.
None of his issues from his health to lack of friendships/social stuff to the gambling are your fault though and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Don't let him play on that. It's the biggest green light ever to look after you and your kids now. He needs to start trying to help himself with some of these issues, getting out and about.