Dad nearing end of life, confused how to feel

[2old4thisshit]

Pretty much what it says in the title. For context, I had a shit and abusive childhood, regularly beaten, often with implements (canes, broom handles, the buckle of a dogs collar), I have an awful memory of my mum in bed with a migraine and I had made some sort of noise, I was sent to my room, he came in, lifted my top and ran a hunting knife alone my body, saying if you ever make a noise like that again, I will gut you.

I left home in my teens, I have a fantastic husband and amazing children. My mum died a long time ago and after her death, I started getting angry at her, how could she allow the abuse to happen? I would always put my children first. I remember saying to her that I was going to contact childline, This wasn’t long after it was set up in the 80’s, she told me that if I did I would split the family up, social workers would take me away. I didn’t call them.

I never went nc, at a time I went lc with my dad, but I’ve always felt guilty for not being a good daughter, at times I literally loathe him and other times I am sad that I have never had the relationship that I should have had with him.

He is now in his 80’s, health deteriorating very rapidly, I know it won’t be long, maybe a year, probably less.

I am so conflicted in how I should feel. I am sad, I know I will be upset when he dies, but also the horrific things he’s done to me, make me very angry.

You're allowed to feel both upset and angry. It's all such a jumble of emotions, it's hard to separate them.
I hope you have other support to help you navigate things going forward. 💐

You sound very sensible and very self aware OP. I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and totally fine.
You ‘shouldn’t’ feel any way. You feel what you feel.

There is no 'should' when it comes to complex emotions. You feel how you feel and that is OK.

It sounds like both your parents let you down. All your feelings are valid, there is no "should" when it comes to feelings. You're maybe grieving for the relationship you could have had if he'd been a good father, aswell as the reality of him coming to the end of his life and never realising how bad his behaviour was.

Awww @2old4thisshit that is awful just so awful. Your poor childhood self and you as an adult having to deal with that shit.

Honestly though not to be glib you feel how you feel. There is absolutely no “should feel” about your situation, about anyone’s situation really but particularly when there is extreme abuse involved and what you are describing is a high level of abuse. I have experienced nothing like the extent of abuse you have experienced but I did grow up in an abusive family and I still have such mixed feelings about my own parents.

Have you been able to mentally mar the shift that you are lovable and worthy always and it was your Dad’s inadequacy and lack of ability/capacity as a person that caused you all this pain?

That is the real number that being abused does to the psyche. We internalise that we are the problem not them, but it is them. If they are doing something that is objectively abusive then they are the problem and your parents were the problem never you.

Mind yourself in this difficult time. You deserved better then, you deserve better now please find a way to get it for yourself. That other well ran dry before you were even born, build your own well.

So so sorry OP that you were given suchba horror for a father.
You will feel relief hopefully when he is gone.

Would you consider going no contact?
Is there a reason why you haven't?

You owe him absolutely nothing at all.
Sending you strength.

I think it's ok to feel however you feel - your anger is perfectly justified, both at your dad for being abusive and at your mum for not protecting you. It's ok to feel sad at not having the loving father/daughter relationship that you deserved. It might be a good idea to have some counselling and unravel and talk about the complicated feelings involved. And be kind to yourself 💐

Thank you to everyone who responded.

I did try to go NC for a few years, my mum then got ill and died, it then seemed to be me to pick up the pieces.

I do have good memories from my childhood, of both parents, but the threat of fear far outweighed the good times.

Guilt is a huge factor, not a good enough daughter, which I know is rubbish but when it’s in your head from a young age, it’s hard to think differently.

I have amazing teen/young adult children, who I have such a strong relationship with. I feel sad for the relationships I should have had, but never did.

I think you are sad about the fact you never got to have the relationship you had with your dad that presumably your kids get to enjoy with your husband, and that's understandable.

But do not at all be sad in anyway that the scumbag of an individual is going to die.

Do no blame yourself for anything.

'I was sent to my room, he came in, lifted my top and ran a hunting knife alone my body, saying if you ever make a noise like that again, I will gut you.'

This is like something from a horror film. By rights, he should be in prison, not dying in his own bed.

You owe him absolutely nothing. He is a monster and will not have changed, not even on his death bed.

Do whatever feels best for you. You sound absolutely amazing to have come through a childhood like that and to have made a warm and loving family for your own children. I sincerely wish you all the best.

I have a similar background and my father died 9 months ago. I’m not sad. I had some therapy to help me process it and also to let go of the anger that my mother didn’t leave him and protect us. Lots of hard conversations with my own children who did not know the backstory.
therapy has been life changing

@ipredictariot5 thank you for your message and I’m sorry that you have had a similar experience.

Did you access therapy after he died?

I was talking to my husband tonight, another memory came into my head, when I was 3 or 4, my dad was teaching me to swim, I hated putting my face into the water. I remember mum running a bath and we used to stand beside it and have our hair washed, he pushed my head under the water for a period of time, I don’t know how long, it seemed forever, when he pulled me out, he said I’ll be fine going under the water when swimming.

I feel envious of ppl who had amazing relationships with their dad, my kids have a fantastic dad. Why didn’t my mum protect me? My kids are my be all and end all, they are the most important thing in my life, if anyone hurt them I wouldn’t put up with it and allow it to happen time and time again.

I have never told my siblings how I feel towards mum, she was seen as a great mum, couldn’t do any wrong, yet she was shit, she didn’t look after us, she allowed us to live in fear of an abuser.

Hello I am glad I have finally found you, I completely empathise with you. I've always envied friends with loving parents.

I wanted to tell you that I never got closure. My Dad never apologised to me in the letters, I had always hoped he would. I asked to see him twice and he ignored both requests pretending my letter had been lost in the post.

He was a serial adulterer and stayed with my Mum, but spent his time and money with other women and their children. I am 68 so the pill had just become freely available so he was having a field day. I had a childhood full of fear because there was no money, they played loud music at night to cover their rows, we had erratic meal times, no clothes. My brotherr is five years younger than me.

One day my Dad wrote saying he'd wondered about a ring and it really upset me because I realised he was confused, and didn't realise what he was asking. When I was 5 my Mum had a phone call and she went mad, she ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it against the wall. Seems a 17 year old girl at my Dad's work had phoned my Mum to ask her to keep him away from her - he'd given her an engagement ring. My Mum had this ring and it was in her jewellery box when my daughter inherited it. Argh, still gives me the shivers.

When my husband died I realised the only important thing in life is to be loved, he lives on in our hearts. I am glad you feel loved, and your husband and children feel loved, it is priceless.

Your father sounds similar to my mother. She died 10 years ago. I dont miss her. I am ok with that. I know many doesn't get that. They feel as a oarent I must miss her dreadfully. In truth we reep what we sow and for me her manner meant that whilst I grieved when she died as there were good times. In many ways life is easier without her.

There is no way to feel. You juat have to go through your emotions and perhaps if they get overwhelming access some councelling to help you. You dont have to do it one way or the other.

Its ok just to feel how you feel.

I have never told my siblings how I feel towards mum, she was seen as a great mum, couldn’t do any wrong, yet she was shit, she didn’t look after us, she allowed us to live in fear of an abuser.

That is such an added head fuck off these types of relationships. My FIL was very abusive towards my MIL when she was alive and my MIL was the one who made sure the family revolved around them keeping everyone locked into awful dynamics. I loved her in some ways because she had some great qualities and my DH loved her very much but she played a significant part in the turmoil in his life and even more so in his sister’s lives who have basically canonised her now right up to the end of her life. You don’t need to live in your siblings version of events but from experience you have to not argue with them over their perception. That reality is what they created to get through the very painful past but it is a complete delusion. In family dysfunction the support has to come from outside of the dysfunction.

It is a real head fuck

Hi Op. Similar situation here, although your Dad sounds 100 times worse than mine.

Mine was (is) an alcoholic. He would drink most nights and then get violent. Not with us (me, sister and Mum), but with objects, so he would throw plates at the wall, smash glasses, punch holes in doors etc. He often threatened to hurt our Mum, but never followed through. It was traumatic to say the least.

As we grew older, he would ruin every party or family event, by getting drunk and argumentative.

Now in his mid 80's, he requires constant care and support from me and my sister and it's exhausting, and quite frankly we don't want to do it, but there's no one else.

I think you need to re-frame how you view your Mum. Back on the 80's/90's, it was much harder for women to leave marriages, as they weren't as financially able as we are today. Also, whilst we never spoke about it I know that my Mum would have been terrified to leave me and my sister in my Dad's sole care, knowing he was drinking, and how that would pan out. So in a way, she was trapped in a shit marriage, in order to always be present and keep us safe. I imagine your Mum felt the same. How could she leave you with him, and not be present? She couldn't, could she? I thiunk you should be thankful to your Mum, that she sacrificed her own happiness to keep you safe. She didn't just swan off and meet a lovely new guy. She stayed. My Mum had a crap retirement with him, and then died. It's so sad.

Anyway, I reckon my Dad has a year at most too. I don't think I'll be sad when he dies. And in all honesty, he mellowed a lot in recent years, and has been a great Dad at times. In your shoes, I wouldn't give 2 craps when your Dad dies - why would you? He sounds like a psycho! Bury him and don't look back.

There are no rules - I’d have grown up hating him for treating me like that and I certainly wouldn’t be upset about him dying. Other people might just feel sad that they got lumbered with a shit dad, others would be more forgiving altogether.
People getting old and frail doesn’t excuse them from being a lifelong arsehole.

You do not owe your dad anything let alone a relationship. Grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Your late mother also failed you as a parent and she lied to you about childline as well. She stayed with your dad for her own reasons: nothing to do with your siblings or you. She got what she wanted out of the relationship with your father. She made a choice and threw you people under the bus as a result. She did not sacrifice her happiness to keep you safe, she sacrificed her children for a lifestyle she wanted to maintain.

Yes he was once young and abusive and now he is old and abusive.

She stayed with your dad for her own reasons: nothing to do with your siblings or you.

Absolutely this, in later years MIL was extremely wealthy and had plenty of opportunities to leave FIL, in the end he kicked her out and stole all her money from her after he had kicked her out which her kids and banks protected from him having access until she gave him the money directly and the complained and complained about it.

On her death bed after him doing terrible things to her, the kids and family she insisted he was to be by her side in the month leading up to her death meaning her kids who were by this stage were NC with him were stuck with him too.

None of this was altruistic it was done to meet her own needs. These situations are complex and definitely women who stay have their own significant issues in the dynamics.

My Mum really loved my Dad irrespective of the shit he threw at her, she definitely sacrificed our childhood, she always put him first. She made friends with his new wife who was thick as a plank - when I met her for the first time she told me she 'couldn't understand what my Mum meant, my Dad was great in bed'. I was 20 and so disgusted at the thought of it.

Yes I had therapy but started too early - about three months after his death I started again.
it was very helpful but I have found hard all relatives/ siblings bringing up their own memories of how he treated me/us.
I feel free of him now, the self criticism / shame that followed me through life has gone and it has been helpful to scrutinise my own parenting to see how I can ensure I do not repeat any patterns
I was with two of my brothers at weekend and we all agreed none of us have experienced grief and agreed it was OK for us to not feel any

Has he ever apologised to you for his abusive behaviour? If not you need to remind him and tell him what he did was pure evil....see if he shows any remorse or gives you an apology not that it will make any difference but it will be a closure before he dies.