Why Does He Do That should be taught in schools

[wonkyfruit]

I’m currently reading Why Does He Do That - and far too much of it resonates. I’m in my 40s and abusive relationships were barely touched on when I was at school. I’m not sure how / if they are covered now? Surely teenagers (both male and female) reading this book would help them to navigate relationships and recognise certain behaviours. I wish I had read this book in my teens / early 20s.

Schools cant teach everything - make sure any children you have know about these sort of relationships yourself.

I think they might be! Hopefully a teacher will come along and clarify.
I know that of course the argument that 'this is another thing for teachers to do that parents should be doing' absolutely stands but given the mountains of evidence that parental relationship dynamics and the effects echo through the generations I actually think its great this is taught in schools. After all, how many people in a shit relationship actually realise they are in one?

Never understand this attitude.

my mum was brilliant at maths and could have taught me that. She was shit at relationships and couldn’t teach me that. All parents have different skill sets.

schools can provide education in all areas of life and that would be beneficial to society.

maths, English. Relationships, money management, etc. why not? All education is good and all develop transferable skills of critical thinking, etc.

If I had children, I certainly would try to teach them this - but I think I the problem as PP says is that parental dynamics echo through generations. Not all parents can / will teach this and it has such a huge impact on society. TBH I would far rather school had a few more practical “life skill” elements (financial planning, taxes, relationships etc) when I was there than some of the stuff we were taught… (and I say this as someone who really enjoyed the academic side of school)

I agree. The problem with neglectful and abusive parents is that they don’t teach the child how to work out when people aren’t who they tell you they are. I think fairytales were a way for society to warn such children that some adults might look nice but aren’t. And it could be a stranger or your parent.

I used to work in early years and we set the foundations of consent and abuse by role playing different scenarios. Like a friend tickling you when you have said no. Or a friend making you feel sad when you don’t do what they tell you.

Healthy and unhealthy relationships absolutely are taught about in schools now as part of the compulsory pshe curriculum.

Teacher here. Healthy/unhealthy relationships and coercive control are taught in secondary schools in the UK. This is a statutory requirement of RSHE provision.

Well, that's precisely @bilbodog 's point, isn't it? Do and be better for your children: learn from your mother's mistakes and whenever you can don't outsource the fundamental stuff of life.

My point is not all parents have all the fundamentals of life, as there are so many! So schools should provide broad education.

The thing is that behaviour is influenced only so much by knowledge. Schools do actually teach on healthy relationships and consent and all of that. But you can arm people with all the information their brains can absorb, yet they will still end up in abusive relationships.

Because these behaviour patterns come from early trauma, what they see modelled in their own families, personality type, and social and economic resources (or lack thereof). Most women in unhealthy relationships know they are unhealthy, but they don’t leave because of low self-worth, the sense of familiarity that abuse brings (just like their childhoods), co-dependency, lack of financial resources, the list goes on.

I work in sexual health and you can talk all day about information on protecting yourself from STIs. But people still go out and have sex without a condom for all sorts of reasons - it’s more fun, they were so high, they were afraid to ask, they were embarrassed to ask, it earns them more money, they thought he loved them, etc.

Behaviour change is very complex. Realistically, a lot of it probably comes down to self-worth, sense of self, assertiveness, confidence more than knowledge.

The premise is taught through statutory 'Relationships, Sex and Health Education', as a component of the wider PSHE curriculum. The relationships (and health) part are compulsory, so parents can't withdraw their kids.

I'm a primary teacher.

We teach a lot about being a good friend and have done for the 20+ years I've been teaching. I've had run ins with SLT over the years though because a lot of 'being a good friend' reaources looks an awful lot like actively teaching people pleasing and having no boundaries.

I'm really pleased that, last year, we FINALLY addressed toxic friends as a lesson and the resources we used were really good. As were the discussions that came out of it.

Lots of children reflected on their own friendships and their own behaviours. Much of it was focused on the foundations of coercive control, bodily autonomy, consent and recognising your own and other people's boundaries.

I felt those lessons were amongst the most valuable I taught this year and many of the children came up to me at various points even months later to ask me about a situation with their friends. It really struck a chord with them.

The best part was that they had the language to express themselves and many developed the skills to address and resolve situations either on their own or with a little support.

These were 7 and 8 year olds.

But, if they go home and what they see, hear or learn doesn't support what I've taught... there's only so much schools can do.

DD was taught about this in y10 PSHE. I think it's like a lot of things, some learning in school is good, and picks up the kids who wouldn't hear it elsewhere but it should also be talked about and modeled at home.

We have conversations around "that's a horrible way to treat someone" or "you can't talk to people like that" and can end up getting quite deep into the topic. She's my child, I want to give her the tools to protect herself, but if school can reinforce it and offer her things I don't then even better.

I'm realising more and more that my parents never modelled respectful relationships, discussed what was appropriate, or taught us anything about it. Their own relationship wasn't great (to put it mildly – there was a lot of very disrespectful behaviour by my dad towards my mum, and my mum never stood up for herself and I know was in a position where she didn't feel financially able to leave), and while they were good parents in a lot of respects, they really fell down in this area. I have two siblings and all of us have been involved in abusive relationships as adults – and none of us have known how to walk away. I didn't go to school in the UK and where I did go to school relationships were not discussed like this. I completely understand that there is only so much the school can do, but I feel like it is such an important area for schools to cover. I truly believe that if I had have read this book when I was younger / been exposed to these ideas and early warning signs then my adult relationships would have been different. I probably also would have questioned some of my own behaviours more.

@StillAGoth I absolutely love what you've said in your post – this is exactly the kind of approach I'm talking about. Especially that these children now have the language to express themselves and the skills to address and resolve situations. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job!