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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it Abuse?

10 replies

highflyingmum · 30/07/2025 21:02

I’m at the end of my tether, my partner of 12 years (not married) has turned into a horrible man. I have a teenage daughter from my previous marriage (I’m widowed), all my partner does is tease her, constantly taking the mick, etc and he feels he’s being funny but I can see it’s draining her. We have a 9 year old son together, he is autistic and is prone to having toilet accidents (back end). But my partner can sense when he’s had an accident and will ask our son if he has poo in his pants - often our son will lie and say no which then infuriates my partner making our son cry. My partner is generally loud, and the reason our son doesn’t always tell him the truth is because ‘daddy gets cross and I’m scared’. Every time these incidents happen, I have to take over as I am calm and I can calm my son down, etc. But Ive started to really dislike my partner, and dread him coming home from work.
There are other aspects to my feelings also - he had an emotional online relationship with another woman for 2 years, I feel that he doesn’t respect me, etc. I want to change my job in order to prepare for the childrens future so that I can be with them more, but all he worries about is how much money I’ll be earning, etc…
We have a house together (mortgaged), but I wouldn’t be able to afford everything on my own, he has a lovely family but I’m just not brave enough to end it, but I know myself and the children would be relieved. Any guidance appreciated.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 30/07/2025 21:07

Your self-esteem and being able to live free of abuse is more important than money. Check out the entitled to website.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/07/2025 21:07

You need to leave OP. He has no respect for you, treats your children terribly, what does he actually add to any of your lives?

CheesusChristSuperstar · 30/07/2025 21:32

It sounds like he's bullying your daughter. My father in law was a bully and used to excuse his behaviour by saying he was only 'winding her up'. Sounds like a similar thing with your husband 'teasing' your daughter, because teasing makes the behaviour sound harmless, which it isn't if it's draining your poor daughter.

Coffeislife · 30/07/2025 21:59

Get rid asap

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/07/2025 22:06

He sounds absolutely dreadful and abusive, both to you and the children.

You need to split up for their sake.

Original poster
highflyingmum · 30/07/2025 22:52

Mrsttcno1 · 30/07/2025 21:07

You need to leave OP. He has no respect for you, treats your children terribly, what does he actually add to any of your lives?

Nothing really - I do everything for the family and him including making sure his tax bill is paid every year, etc. He never does the school run or attend any of our son’s SEN reviews at school. The only thing he provides is a little financial stability but even then if I ask for any assistance, I don’t live it down.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 30/07/2025 23:07

Your partner's bullying and emotional abuse should have been nipped in the bud. God knows what he's doing to your daughter as he constantly belittles her. I bet she hates being around him. Your son should be able to tell one of his parents about his accidents without feeling afraid.

He sounds like a nasty bully and I would give it to him both barrels. In no uncertain terms tell him to leave your children alone. In the meantime, get advice regarding the house and look into separation.

Original poster
highflyingmum · 30/07/2025 23:22

MiloMinderbinder925 · 30/07/2025 23:07

Your partner's bullying and emotional abuse should have been nipped in the bud. God knows what he's doing to your daughter as he constantly belittles her. I bet she hates being around him. Your son should be able to tell one of his parents about his accidents without feeling afraid.

He sounds like a nasty bully and I would give it to him both barrels. In no uncertain terms tell him to leave your children alone. In the meantime, get advice regarding the house and look into separation.

Edited

I don’t know where to start in finding out. The local citizens advice is walk in only and only allow 30 mins. I’m also perimenopausal and very forgetful these days so I’m so worried that I’d not be able to explain the reasons in why I’m ending the relationship without looking like I’m just being nit-picky, unreasonable or just stupid :(
Our son had an accident this evening and in my opinion he publicly humiliated him by raising his voice at him with the windows open and being very open and loud and then telling me I’m to deal with it! Which I was on my way to do anyway to diffuse the situation. It Broke my heart but I kept my cool in order to assist my son first and we had a guest in the house. My partner then proceeded to bed… at 8pm, which is quite late for him also.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 30/07/2025 23:29

highflyingmum · 30/07/2025 23:22

I don’t know where to start in finding out. The local citizens advice is walk in only and only allow 30 mins. I’m also perimenopausal and very forgetful these days so I’m so worried that I’d not be able to explain the reasons in why I’m ending the relationship without looking like I’m just being nit-picky, unreasonable or just stupid :(
Our son had an accident this evening and in my opinion he publicly humiliated him by raising his voice at him with the windows open and being very open and loud and then telling me I’m to deal with it! Which I was on my way to do anyway to diffuse the situation. It Broke my heart but I kept my cool in order to assist my son first and we had a guest in the house. My partner then proceeded to bed… at 8pm, which is quite late for him also.

Show quote history

Advice on separation
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/how-to-sort-out-your-finances-on-separation

Gingerbread have a good helpline for anyone about to become a single parent
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Rights of Women give free legal advice
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Citizen's Advice info on separation
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

Make notes as you go if you ring a helpline.

Home | Gingerbread

We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk

Coffeislife · 30/07/2025 23:59

He will give your children mental health problems, go womens aid instead

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