Should I keep seeing my ex?

[mollipops]

This isn't quite as scandalous as it sounds - no, I am not having an affair and yes, I am still married! But I happened to run into my first love at a shopping centre (it was quite freaky actually) about 4 months ago and we have been emailing fairly regularly, and have met for lunch once. There has been nothing untoward going on, but I feel if I keep in touch that I might be playing with fire.

We really have nothing in common anymore - when we were together we were 17 (I'm now 34), it wasn't a long-term thing, and I hadn't seen him for about 12 years before this. He was my First Love so has remained sort of special to me all this time... he says he has thought of me fondly often over the years too, although admits he was never as "in love" with me as I was with him.

He lives with his long-term girlfriend (about 10 yrs) and is so different from me - he is vegetarian and I'm not; he is into reiki and has his own guru - the most alternative I get is going to the chiropractor!; he loves surfing (still) and I avoid the beach... When I think about it we didn't really have a lot in common back when we were 17 either! There was just a physical chemistry between us, and I suspect some of it lingers on! Sigh. I really don't want to lose touch again, but I'm not sure I trust myself here if we keep seeing each other, even only casually.

I haven't told dh about him either btw...dx hadn't told his girlfriend either but she found an email he sent me, whoops - of course it had ot be the one where he was remembering the toga party! He says everything is okay now though. But I don't know if dh would feel the same if the tables were turned. Any advice or comment welcomed!

mollipops, at first I thought fine, there's no harm in it...then of course you leave the most important bit till last...if your dh doesn't know then you obviously for some reason don't want him to ie it's Forbidden! proceed with caution

I agree, If you've any kind of feelings for dx then stay away, it will only cause problems, especially if you're not telling dh. Keeping it from dh will cause the most trouble regardless of what's happening with dx. If you must see dx socially, then the best thing will be to tell dh what you are doing otherwise he will be suspicious WHEN he finds out, and he will.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago, only a chance meeting with someone I definitely no longer love but like quite a lot. I know that DH would go absolutely mental if I was in contact with any ex and I would with him. Try and close that chapter of your life and save yourself a lot of hassle. He does sound rather sweet, your ex, though...

mollipops - do you feel as if there is unfinished business betwen you two? Maybe that has something to do with the 'pull' to see him?

I seem to be in a similar situation, and have been proceeding with extreme caution. DH knows about him, but thinks he was just a good mate at college. Godd news for me is, he's on the other side of the world, so emails are as far as it goes. If he was right under my nose, I'm not sure I'd trust myself.

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Thanx everyone for responding...it seems the general consensus is that I should either tell dh or break contact altogether. Hmm.

Why haven't I told dh? Because I know how I would feel if places were reversed, ie if dh had been in touch with his ex. This could be a little different for me, firstly because I am a jealous cow and secondly because I happen to know her! Dh isn't the jealous type and is a trusting soul, and has never met any of my ex's...so it isn't that I feel he would react badly to the news. So I guess it's just kind of fun having it a secret at the moment, even though there's nothing "going on". I only email from work or in the afternoons on my yahoo email, have never phoned him (even though he gave me his mobile no) and have only met once... I think if dh knew, I would be feeling like he was watching me, and maybe he would get suspicious over nothing. I know you say he will find out but I really don't see how. Am I making sense here?!

The most worrying part for me is that he is on my mind more than usual - at the same time this is also kind of nice too. He used to cross my mind now and then over the years, but now I think of him at least once a day. Breaking contact with him isn't going to make that stop, at least not in the short term anyway... No, no unfinished business, bit of a messy breakup initially but we ended up on good terms, just that he travelled o/s and we lost touch. And yes clucks, he is sweet...which doesn't help of course! (Would have been much easier if he had put on 5 stone and got bald or something! ) He said in an email he means me no harm, and doesn't want to hinder my relationships in any way. But it is nice also to be told you are gorgeous and sexy and to know that someone is thinking of you fondly even after all this time has passed. Sigh. Guess I'm no closer to a solution here.

So girls, do you really think I should tell dh? Or should I just tell dx I can't see him again nor email him anymore? Neither seem to be easy or happy solutions right now.

ooh, you are definitely kidding yourself. You say your dh will be fine about it. So tell him. At the moment you are having a lovely, secret affair just with no sex (at the moment). Your ex is hardly likely to say, 'I want to break up your marriage'. He probably doesn't. He may well want to have his cake and eat it. If he's telling you you are gorgeous and sexy he obviously wants to sleep with you. This isn't innocent fun, it's a real threat to your marriage IMO. I suppose what you do next depends on how much you value your marriage and husband, and how much you want to risk it for a cheap thrill. It IS nice to be flirted with from time to time,but this goes beyond a brief flirtation with a fleeting stranger.

Mollipops, agree that you're playing with fire. I know it's exciting and I know you're not actually doing anything wrong but the fact that you're keeping it secret, well...You could try just doing nothing. Don't email ex, don't tell DH (if you feel there is nothing to tell) and let it all fade away.

BTW, you say your ex is nice, but it's not nice to live with someone for ten years but also go around telling another woman she's gorgeous and sexy. I really suspect he thinks he's in with a chance for a bit of fun here. He's already said he wasn't 'in love' with you. Hmmm.... call me an old cynic and I may be wrong but I've seen friends with men like this before.

exactly Aloha, the words "midlife crisis" spring to mind.

PLease,please please back off now.Having been on the other end of a similar situation Ican assure you that however innocent it is (my dh insists that it was all innocent- flirty sml messages and loads of flirtatious chat room communications )I feel that I will never trust him again at least the level of trust that I once had.Its 3 months now since I found out- we have had endless discussions and many rows.It isn't what he did so much as the fact that it was all very secret and at first when I found out he tried to deny it and then later pass it of as "fun" to alieviate the boredom at work.I cannot reiterate enough how totally betrayed I feel about it all.I realise now that trust has got to be the most important factor in a relationship and once its gone its gone....

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You are all right of course. I have some serious soul-searching to do here.

GRMUM, I am so sorry for what you went through. Your post made me realise the true possible consequences of what I am doing. And all the other posts made me realise that while my fantasies are all very nice, it wouldn't take much to let them get out of hand. (Ooh, bundle - midlife crisis was a bit harsh though!)

I don't think dx has any ulterior motives, but I just realised that I haven't seen him or spoken to him for about 15 years and I really don't know him at all anymore. AND the fact that he had also neglected to tell his girlfriend that we had met up is a red flag I guess - he was playing a game like me. As I said, it's not like we have anything in common at all, and our lives have taken completely different directions. And I think I am happier with the direction my life has taken than if I had followed him! SO. As there is no long-term future with this man, and it seems no possibility of a completely platonic relationship (ie without innuendo or memories of past happy moments), then the only choice is to tell him it would be best not to talk or meet again.

I guess I have satified my curiosity, in that I have seen him and know what he is up to (and don't tell me that you don't occasionally wonder what at least one of your ex's is doing these days). Yes, the longer it goes on, of course it will only get harder to tell him to back off, not easier, and while he will stay on my mind as he always has, it will gradually fade back to just the occasional reminder when someone mentions surfing (and now reiki or gurus!)

I think he has gone away for a week. Gives me some time to figure out how to word it.

Thanx for all your help and advice - I really do feel you may have saved me from making a very serious error of judgement. (And thanx too for the hug, bloss - needed that xxx.)

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sorry mollipops, you're right...a bit harsh!
I suppose I was wondering WHY he'd got in touch...imagine if this sparked off a desire in you to get in touch with other friends from your past - which is fun, I've done it at a school reunion - but they wouldn't mean as much to you or, presumably involve 'game-playing'.

Actually it was just a freaky chance meeting at a shopping centre, where we exchanged email addresses. Very weird. We were standing right near each other at the bakery - recognised his voice behind me immediately.

Anyway, all is forgiven bundle.

And bloss, don't be so quick to congratulate me, I haven't actually written the email yet. But I do believe I have come to my senses.

Lara2, if you are still around, can I ask if your emails to your ex have the same sort of unspoken vaguely flirty/innuendo feel about them?

mollipops - oh definately!!! Vague references to past deeds etc. Not always so vague too if you get my drift! I know I'm playing with fire too - but he's not around physically, so I do con myself into feeling 'safe'. I can't help but feel that I let the one person I should be with slip through my hands - all my own fault at the time. What's worse is he's free and available - no partner to feel guilty about. Yes, I have one - but have posted on another thread about that!

I'd say, run like the wind if you want to stay in your present relationship.

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no.

UPDATE: Thanx bloss for worrying about me! Just to let you know, I sent the dreaded email on Monday...I admitted my feelings and fears and said we should stop emailing and shouldn't see each other. He replied and said he felt the same way about me...you were right, of course, he was hoping for more. He seems very confused about the whole thing, and I was heading the same direction! Anyway, we have got it all out of our systems, and I do feel better now. I was thinking about him far too much, and hopefully that will fade away with time. It was nice to know he felt the same way I guess, good for the ol' ego...but I think I would rather live with the idea of the fantasy than to play it out in reality and live with guilt and regret. So thanks again

Mollipops, I know it must have been hard (isn't it nice to know that someone other than your dh or dp still thinks you are attractive), but you really have done the right thing.