Help/advice/thoughts please - so worried about partner

[AsanteSana]

As per my thread title, I am seeking some thoughts regarding my partner, with whom I have been for three and a half years.

In a nutshell, I am desperately worried about her memory function, forgetfulness and cognitive abilities. It is difficult to explain, but I will try! She is, (and always has been, by her own admission), incredibly forgetful, way, way more so than might be considered 'normal', is aware of it, but is also so sensitive about it that I cannot raise it with her to discuss the issue or ask her to seek medical opinion because, if I do so, she becomes incredibly upset, angry, lashes out at me and gives me the 'silent treatment'. I am finding it difficult to articulate the level of forgetfulness, but, just as an example, if I ask her, in the morning, what she ate the previous evening she is unable to remember, mislays keys daily, forgets whether or not she has taken her blood pressure medication, forgets to charge her phone or, regularly, leaves it at work. These could be described as something we all do from time to time, but it is daily. And, more worryingly, her speech is littered with 'whatjamacallit', 'whojamaflip' 'whatsname' etc, in every sentence because she cannot remember words - and she frequently references me, or calls me 'thing' because she forgets my name.

For context, she is 60, has ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia, and is very chaotic in general, disorganised, impetuous and prone to changing her mind, or plans on a whim, which I attribute, in part, to ADHD.

I do not believe that her forgetfulness is linked to dementia, since she has told me that she has always been this way, since an early age, and I am wondering if there is another medical reason for it. I do not wish to sound mean, but it is causing me distress, frustration and a growing sense of futility, exasperation and angst, the more so as my memory is very sharp and I rarely forget anything . I would really welcome any thoughts, experience or suggestions as to how to handle this or if anyone, wiser than I, knows of a health condition which may cause this acute forgetfulness.

For full disclosure, I am male and have ASD myself.
Thank you

I think you need to educate yourself on ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia beyond the bullet-point definitions on Google's AI result.
Seriously. All the answers are there.

Has it got noticeably worse in the last 3 years or have you just got fed up of it?

As an addendum, my partner was a heavy drinker from adolescence until just a few years ago, and still drinks more alcohol than I feel is healthy (but I may be biased, since my mum was alcohol dependant, and, as a consequence, I am virtually teatotal and very wary and cautious about the stuff). Therefore I also wonder if her impaired memory and cognitive functions are related to alcohol related brain damage or Korsakoff Syndrome.

@RandomMess, I would not say that it has got worse, but, yes, I openly admit that I am finding it increasingly frustrating and worrisome and do not know how to approach it, because, as I said, in my opening post, mention of it leads to backlash

I think you just have to accept that this is perhaps part of her character and that you bringing it up and attempting to “fix it” all the time may well be frustrating and upsetting for her.

With ADHD etc that’s most likely the reason but putting her under additional stress won’t help.

This is who she is, nothing has changed. If you can’t cope with it then it’s end of the line for your relationship.

It could be a mixture of all sorts of things.

For losing keys etc you need to have minimal “stuff” and has a dedicated place for keys that is easy to use and obvious/logical.

Even for people with ADHD (I have it), it's not normal to forget your partner's name on a regular basis. I'd be concerned.

Thank you @Betsy95, I haven't ever attempted to 'fix it' since I know that I cannot, any more than one can, or should attempt to 'fix' another person's characteristics or personality - I am just (however clumsily), trying to establish if there may be a medical factor at play. And I rarely raise it as an issue, for reasons I outlined earlier, but my frustration probably shows through! And I have to say that being called 'thing', rather than by name, by one's partner is not particularly pleasant so @FrogFrogFrog, yes, I am very, very concerned.

This, I have ADHD and Dyscalculia and can remember names, I’m disorganised and impulsive and do lose my keys etc, I have to have a place for everything, but I don’t forget peoples names and the consistent details.

It could well be alcohol damage, she could have had a mild stroke there are lots of things that may have happened in the past but if she isn’t deteriorating I’m not sure what you think can be done.

A full blood screening check especially for vitamins is an option as deficiencies can be a factor in tiredness and therefore executive function.

If I don’t concentrate my memory is shockingly poor and any sort of stress makes it far worse.

I am 60 also always been a bit chaotic and forget loose things, over the past few years I too have struggled with names a bit, and say whatsit when I can’t think of the word. The last few weeks I have got worse like my brain has taken itself away and left my body behind! Even to the point I forgot to go to work one morning. However I just had a week off work went on holiday and feel much better,perhaps a total break away may help a little. I just put it down to old age, which doesn’t help you.

Menopause can also have this affect.

With the heavy drinking, it could be the form of dementia which affects people when they are younger. My friends step son was fifty years old when his became so bad that he was deemed unable to look after himself.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments thus far - all food for thought and, much as I should like to, I am unable to reply individually to everyone, but thank you all.

Her background of heavy drinking is almost certainly a factor in this. What is your long term plan if she continues to refuse any medical tests and continues to drink? Your own experience of having a parent with alcohol issues has interfered with your perception of what is normal, and you are on track to being her full time carer.

Menopause is horrendous for memory issues. You forget things a lot. Not a partners name though.

What you’ve described here can be explained by ADHD - it’s not just impulsivity or hyperactivity, working memory is often massively impacted too.

Menopause and ADHD can be a hell of a combination for exacerbating memory issues. If she’s dealing with any vitamin deficiencies this can also contribute to brain fog and additional forgetfulness.
Personally, even when medicated, I’d struggle to immediately remember what I ate for dinner last night - and losing keys/phone etc is so standard it’s almost predictable (even with designated places to keep them). I’ve suddenly temporarily ‘lost’ a name from time to time, too, which is embarrassing and annoying when it happens.
As she’s always been like this I wouldn’t worry much, and even if it’s got worse recently there can still be a relatively benign reason for this. It sounds like her (already diagnosed) ADHD is the medical explanation you’re looking for, though.