Stalking ex - is it nothing?

[Tempnamefortoday]

I have an ex (brief work fling) from almost 20 years ago, who got stalkerish after I ended things.

Today he reared up again and it's given me the creeps. This has happened sporadically over the years - he'll find a way to get through and I will block. Then it happens again, although after a very long gap.

Immediately after our short 'thing' he became quite nasty and started to scare me a bit. I remember half joking to a friend that if I turned up in a bin bag in the river, it would have been his doing.

He didn't physically hurt or threaten me - just refused to leave me alone. I felt like he had a sense of entitlement to a relationship.

Quick synopsis of his behaviour back then:
Kept texting and calling (a lot) after promising to stop.
Sent insulting messages calling me a slut when I got together with my DP. Repeatedly turned up at my flat at night uninvited and even after promising to stop.

I made it very clear I was not interested in communicating. It all ended when I moved to a different area, changed my phone number and changed jobs. I had no social media at the time.

But then several yrs after that, I set up an account on FB. Didn't use it much. Went on FB one day to find a message from him, asking to get back in touch and be friends. I shuddered, ignored and blocked.

Fast forward another 5 years or so. I've put it all behind me, but suddenly there he is on my Linkedin. Again, can we be friends, can we stay in touch. I worked out how to block individual ppl from looking at that profile so he can no longer see me or contact.

Then today he pops up again. This time with a long, long text message saying he got my number by asking around, thinks of me a lot, wants to get back in touch, be friends, please don't block him etc. Obviously someone somewhere has passed on my number (we work in the same industry, so he could have persuaded someone it was a legitimate work type thing.)

The thing is, I know if he saw me now he'd go off the whole thing and just drop it. I am not the 30 year old he has in his head. I know that would probably do the trick. But I literally don't want to ever see him. I want him to leave me alone. I don't want to have to see him and demonstrate how unfanciable I now am. The mere thought of him gives me the creeps.

A bit of me thinks he'll never drop it, that he'll find out where we live (it wouldn't be that hard, loads of mutual business acquaintances who mostly think he's lovely and sweet). I'm scared he'll start coming here on holiday (it's one of those small coastal places, and you could definitely bump into someone if you really wanted to.)

Am I being pathetic? Should I do anything? I immediately deleted the message and blocked his number. We're not on the public electoral register and my Linkedin implies I live elsewhere.

I wish I could disappear altogether from the internet, butI have a job and am on the company website (thankfully the office is not anywhere near where I live).

I would just ignore and block again. It's not about what you look like or who you are, it's a power and control thing for them.

If you feel worried, speak to the Police on the non-emergency number.

I have a stalker like this, although I've not seen him since 2013. He finds a way to get through and I have to block a few of his tries and then he loses interest for a while. He once left it for almost 10 years.

He doesn't scare me any more, but if he ever was persistent again, I'd report him to the Police.

This is harassment and this persistent unwanted contact from him has been upsetting you for years. Chances are that you're not the only woman he's been doing this to either.

Time to call the police I reckon.

I would report to the police and ask someone to have a word with him.

Thanks all. I thought you'd say I was making a mountain out of molehill. @ChristmasFluff yours sounds very similar.

I'll think about reporting. I don't want to risk him coming to my area, which could so easily happen, and perhaps if the police have had a word he'll stay away. That said, I have no evidence, don't know where he lives /works and don't particularly want to investigate! So maybe I'll just have to hope he finally effs off for good this time.

OP, do not risk meeting him in the hope that he'll stop when he sees the older version of you..

I'm still being shadowed by someone I met at junior school, and held hands with twice when I was 13. I'm now 62. They don't stop. If they were normal, well-balanced individuals open to reason, they would both have given up decades ago.

I suggest you report the all interactions to the police. Make sure your complaint is recorded. They need to be aware. Also you don't know how many other women he has done this to, or whether he has a history of violence. It would be worth asking.

I had a stalker like this - I never even so much as dated mine and he was aware I was married as we met at work. Much like your stalker everyone thought he was lovely because he was a very polite sort and came across very gentlemanly - in fact it was this whole persona that disarmed me about him in the first place, literally just thought he was a nice man who wanted a chat 🙄 Men like this portray themselves as being harmless but in fact are anything but!!

Things were always just polite and friendly, alarm bells really didn’t go off until naturally life moves on as it does, and I moved away and moved jobs. It’s then when he no longer had access to me is when things became concerning. Following me, bumping into me, strange anonymous messages etc were just some of the things.

This went on for years, really frightened me and in the end I got the police involved (which I really wish I had done sooner) but I still don’t trust that he will stay away. It’s a horrible fear and anxiety to live with.

My advice is to take it seriously, especially as in your case like mine it’s been years (he’s not letting this go) and go and talk to the police.

I'd leave it now, but if he ever contacts you again text a brief message to say, 'I do not wish to hear from you, and if you contact me again I will report you to the police for harrassment'.

And then do so. You need to make it very clear to him that this stops now.

@Hatty65

I don't think she should contact him at all, it will just escalate his harassment of her. These people don't think rationally.

OP, log it with the police. I would.

@suburberphobe you may be right, it might be best to ask police advice. I (vaguely) thought that the police aren't prepared to accept that something is harrassment if you haven't stated 'Leave me alone' to the person you claim is harrasssing you, but I'm willing to accept I might be wrong.

I think it might be time to call the police, OP.

I had something vaguely similar, but not as extreme, from someone who I dated briefly when I was 15. I moved away in my early 20s, then he found me on social media twenty years later and sent a friendly message, which I thought nothing of and replied to politely, without inviting further conversation. Suddenly, a couple of years later, he started sending messages about wanting to see me, saying I owed him my time, calling me selfish, very persistent when I said I wouldn’t meet with him. I spoke to the police for advice; I didn’t think he was dangerous as such, but he was unsettling, and they told me the best way to handle the situation to ensure efficient police involvement if he escalated.

They advised I send one message, stating very clearly that I did not want to hear from him again, that I would consider any further messages to be harassment, and that he was not to contact me at all, through any platform, in any way.

He did reply with a message about some ominous ‘psychic communication’ he’d received in a dream and been told to pass on to me…but I blocked him after that, and that was the last utterly bizarre contact I had from him.

Yours sounds more tenacious, more unsettling, and you might need the police to have a word. It would be wise to make sure friends and family are aware of what’s going on, if you haven’t already, too.

O God I have had similar but not as persistent as OP. When I was 16 I was dating a violent and possessive boy of 19. I broke it off and he stalked me for a while. He punched me in the face and threatened me with a knife. I was terrified but this was a long time ago and the police weren't interested and my parents weren't the sort that were capable of offering support.
He recently found me on social media and like a fool I started vaguely chatting - I figured after 50 years we were different people. But no. All the intensity started again so I blocked him. Half a friggin century! Men are dangerous.

I don't think I appreciated how much of this goes on! I had an ex from my early teens we stayed in touch but it slowly started getting creepy and unwanted. Over the last 30 years we both moved on with other people, I subsequently got married and divorced. There was always "compliments" like I'm the only women for him, I'm the best he's had, etc. But then it kept coming around to meeting up and that we should be together, and that he'd take care of me, I didn't need to worry about working so hard, I shouldn't prioritise my career., he'd leave his partner for me. It felt so creepy because he kept talking about me like the 17 year old girl he dated, not the grown ass independent capable women I now am! The final straw was him telling a mutual friend all of that and disappointed I didn't seem to be interested (whilst he was attending an event with this partner!). I blocked him on everything. I told my friend why and asked them to stop trying to reconnect us. So far its been about 4 years. I am very clear now it is not a friendship I want or need.

If you have asked him not to contact you but he continues, that's harassment and can be reported to the police.

Thanks everyone. It's reassuring to be taken seriously as you feel a bit like you're overreacting to this stuff.

@ShoeeMcfee yours was much more serious - a knife?! Bloody hell.

@suburberphobe @Hatty65 @Ruby0707 @Lillygolightly @Meadowfinch @Bluetoothpaste @Yuhp @slightlydistrac @ChristmasFluff I think then I'll contact the police if he tries again. I don't think I an do it now as I've deleted the evidence and I don't know where he lives / works.

I just really, really hope he doesn't find out where we live and decide to turn up here. If he does I'll probably resort to the old fashioned method and get my OH to have a word - not sure the police will be keen on telling someone where they can and can't go on holiday, with no restraining order or evidence of harassment.

I may have watched too much Tv but as you know his name and some of his background I’d report it to the non emergency number now. He might be doing this to other women and already be being investigated. Your information might help them establish that he has a pattern of behaviour. Or, perhaps I should just get out more 🫣

OP I think it’s worth mentioning to the police and giving them the back story in case he escalates. That way they can act quickly. Sometimes the police being involved gives them the short sharp shock they need.
I had a stalker as a young woman who was a client of my firm, he only went away when we threatened an injunction, and then he did re-emerge once. Unfortunately they are opportunists so don’t underestimate him.