What do I do?

[summerxo]

Me and my fiancé have been together around 7 years. We have 2 young children together and have been through quite a lot in regards to child loss (4 miscarriages and lost our son at 19 weeks)
for around a year maybe longer we just bicker constantly. Our second son was delivered early and had to be in Nicu and then he had health problems for around 6 months after. It was a very stressful time. Ever since then we just do not get a long. We have had couples counselling etc and nothing is working. It’s got to the point where we are both miserable and I feel like it’s having an affect on the kids. We aren’t intimate. I don’t have the feeling to be affectionate etc with him and I don’t know why. He works during the week and gets in around 7pm. I have the kids on my own (we don’t have a ‘village’) which I know is very common. I also work part time and weekends and sort the house out. I know this is all very common things for couples but it also causes a lot of stress too. I just feel so miserable. All of my savings went into our house and I now do not have any money saved to be able to leave and get a place with the kids if we split up but I also don’t want to stay just because of that reason if that makes sense? We haven’t said it to each other but I don’t think we would be together if it wasn’t for the kids… I just don’t want them growing up with their parents arguing etc. I just don’t know how I would be able to support the kids financially on my own. I really don’t know what to do i feel so alone and have nobody to talk to about it.

Would you possibly be happier if he were to move out?

Oh this is hugely hard. You do need to discuss it with him though. You can't go on as you are, so either you agree to try again and make a go of it, effectively split up but coexist in the same house (might work well if you're on different shifts and noone is seeing anyone else), or you split up, sell up and downsize like most people do. None are easy. But your current situation isn't an option.

You've both been through so much and must be overwhelmed and exhausted. You might find bereavement counselling helpful regarding your loss: Cruse grief counselling https://www.cruse.org.uk/

You both may even be suffering from PTSD: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/about-ptsd/

You can find a therapist at BACP or free counselling at Cruse. I'd say that the root of your problems is unacknowledged pain and stress. Your husband especially, if he finds it difficult to talk, may be going through a lot.

What if I was to say @summerxo your fiancé met another woman, they both looked so good and happy together.

How does feel? Your response should tell you if making up is possible or if your relationship had sadly run its course.

Hi @summerxo I couldn't just read and run as your situation and history are scarily similar to mine Also confused, deflated and stuck in a rut. We have been together 12 years, married for 4. 2 children (1 living) and our son had health issues at birth which resulted in lots of hospital trauma for us both.

It kinda feels like I was disappointed in how he dealt with all the trauma compared to me. Like often he wasn't mentally present, or he'd struggle to be an adult in hard times. It's like he became a dependant instead of the equal reliable partner. I think deep down that's why I no longer want to be affectionate or intimate with him (9 months no intimacy so far) and ultimately...resentful of having to carry most of the menta load. Do you feel like this?

On the other hand, the thought of him with someone else makes me rage. It's so confusing and exhausting trying to work this all out! Wishing you strength x

@DazedAndConfuseddd yes I do feel like I’ve carried the mental load and just had to get on with things. I just feel like men deal with it differently which is fine but because they are men it’s just meant to be ok if that makes sense?
I just have nothing there some days. It’s horrible saying it out loud but I just don’t want him touching me etc and it never used to be like that. I look at these families and they look so happy (I know things can be different behind closed doors) but they look happy and holding hands and kissing. I want to be like that but just can’t.
I don’t know I find it hard explaining sometimes 😓
I just feel like it’s too far gone and I’m checked out? But it’s such a big decision with 2 young kids. It’s just really hard