Has anyone felt guilty for having a relationship as a single mum?

[Stapler44]

I’m trying to figure out my thoughts on this.
Ive been a single mum for 6 years, children were very young when we split.
our relationship was ‘perfect’ or so I thought by my ex husband was having multiple affairs behind my back. It all came out one night out of nowhere and literally shattered me.
i have worked so hard to rebuild my life- we co parent and he has the kids 2 nights a week, I bought a new house, kids are settled etc
I feel very lonely though. I’ve had boyfriends but they have never met the kids and once it gets to a stage where it’s kinda expected (say 9months-1year in) I panic and the relationship usually ends around then.

in an ideal world I would love to have a new partner who loves me and the children, who I can come home to every night, not just see 2 evenings a week (if even). But I feel like I’m doing something ‘wrong’ but introducing someone to the children or god forbid ever having someone stay over or ever move in.

i feel like I need to totally sacrifice all my interests in the kids best interests. So me having a relationship is nowhere near as important as my kids feeling secure. Which is obviously true but my mind takes that to the extreme. As if I’d be a bad mother for doing it.

has anyone ever experienced anything similar? I’m very protective over my kids, and the life I’ve built for them but also don’t want to be on my own forever

MN can be very harsh and so please know that everything I say is intended to be helpful.

Stop dating men for prolonged periods of time and then dropping them. It’s not fair on them at all and is why a lot of child free people avoid single parents. They are investing their time and emotions into you only to be pushed to the curb when you feel the relationship is progressing too far.

It is very, very unlikely that you will find a man that loves your children. This is the reality of dating as a single mother. Your new partner may love you but I feel (potentially incorrectly) reading your post that you’re hoping to achieve the nuclear family dynamic again with a man who isn’t the father of the kids. This is incredibly unlikely.

I know this is always said patronisingly on here but have you ever considered therapy? I do not believe that the needs of the children always come first - that is incredibly reductionist and reduces parents to slave vessels for their children. The needs of everyone in the household should be assessed on a needs basis.

You are entitled to a dating life as a single adult.

OP I think you will be able to meet someone who loves your kids, and be a good step parent to them, if you want that. I know afew blended families they seem to do just fine. You sound sensible and discerning. It may be you weren’t ready or the men weren’t right.

Of course its not wrong. Step parents can be incredibly important relationships and can massively beneficial .
Finding that special someone is harder to achieve! I’d say these past relationships obviously weren’t right because otherwise it might have felt more natural to introduce them to your children. I think from experience that would come in time. If you are ready to start dating and potentially one day in the distant future you want to introduce them there is nothing wrong with that. If you are in a healthy relationship and they are a decent person looking after you, your children will probably like that for you. It all depends on age, stability of the children and the partner involved . It’s not really a black and white answer. But are you wrong for not wanting to be alone of course not!