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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'Ghosting' or 'imagination in overdrive'

12 replies

0161aj · 30/07/2025 17:09

Hi there...Ladies and Gents. Guy in 30s here. Possibly a common theme in modern day dating etc.. But I find myself some what conflicted.. I fairly recently started chatting with somebody on a dating app. About 6 weeks back, give or take a day or two. We met about a week after talking.. and have hit it off, she has a young ish child with an ex, so throughout the week its hard to meet up, but we've made good use of the weekends. Been out a few times, and I have stayed a few times.

Tbf, its all been fairly relaxed, not suggesting by any means its a fling or a series of ONS etc. But conversely we have taken it slowly ish..and met up at the weekends. And enjoyed each others company! We've a few mutual interests and havent been at all bored or run out of things to do or say etc.. which is refreshing.. Its just been nice and chilled, but romantic at the same time. However this weekend just gone.. I was quite unwell (24 hour bug i think 🤔😔) and she was cool with it.. and said she'd made plans anyway for the Saturday..so no issue.. we exchange messages through the day, but not to thr extreme.

Few days ago however, she didnt message at all..so i gave some space and sent a courtesy txt bit later on, which she did reply to.a while later..all seemed ok, and asked if I wanted to come round.. But it wasn't practical.. as it was nearly 10.30 and she live a good 20 minutes away. Again seemed fine and accepted it was late for a week day.. but following day a few 'polite messages exchanged but its almost as if she's replying out of necessity and would rather not.. and today not a single bit of contact.. I have learned from a past experience NOT to over do it..and space is essential at times.. I understand this. She doesn't seem to the type of person to just ghost somebody, and vanish off without a reason.. this has happened to me when I was a bit younger..and it was hurtful at the time. But I was much younger and didnt think as rationally then.

So as I say, I dont want to be a pain/pest and inundate her whattsap with 'hey/whats up/you ok? ..but it seems very out of character, given that we've chatted most days for weeks and spent quality time together... I have a slightly ridiculous imagination at times, so played out some scenarios in my head that shes met somebody else, or panicked that its too 'casual or slow moving' etc . I feel conflicted..as to whether I send another message or leave her to it for a while till she initiates contact.. it sounds ridiculous as I feel at my age, I should know better than this bothering me.

I feel as though its probably run its course in her mind, and shes maybe finding the way/time to tell me! But then part of me also thinks 'ffs dude calm down its been a few days out of 6 weeks' stop fretting.. anyway I assume some others have experienced this too in early stages or dating .. Any opinions welcome.
Al

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/07/2025 17:12

Have you sent a message that’s been ignored today? And have you made any attempt at arranging to meet up since saying no to her offer to come over?

Christwosheds · 30/07/2025 17:12

Hmm well I would just ask her !
Dating is hideous, for all these reasons. Try to stop second guessing scenarios and just be straightforward. She might be assuming the bug and the nit coming over are code for “I’m not interested “. If two people play it cool how can it ever warm up? Just be honest, clear, and hopefully she will appreciate that. If she doesn’t then she isn’t a great person to date anyway.

0161aj · 30/07/2025 17:21

Christwosheds · 30/07/2025 17:12

Hmm well I would just ask her !
Dating is hideous, for all these reasons. Try to stop second guessing scenarios and just be straightforward. She might be assuming the bug and the nit coming over are code for “I’m not interested “. If two people play it cool how can it ever warm up? Just be honest, clear, and hopefully she will appreciate that. If she doesn’t then she isn’t a great person to date anyway.

On reflection now, yeah maybe the not being well thing could have looked that way, but she seemed fine at the time, its hard to get how somebody is feeling over a whattsap message..I tend to be a Voice Note guy though, so I try convey some emotion and feeling into messages 🤣🤣 No messages today from her, she just leafr me on read.. but even that in itself sounds like a bit of an over reaction from me. So im trying to leave the over thinking for now, just seems out of character.

OP posts:
Freeflight · 30/07/2025 17:53

So has she made the last 2 suggestions and you've declined? Potentially she feels a bit rejected if she's had some bad experiences before.
Id be the type at this point to message and say something along the lines of "just planning out my calendar and wanted to make sure we can see each other. Are you free on x as I'd love to see you".

Lays it out clearly that you want to meet again and also doesn't push an excuse for the prior declines.
If she isn't interested then her response will tell.

0161aj · 30/07/2025 18:44

I should add (forgot to mention).. we agreed wed go for a drive on Friday evening after I finish work, and maybe grab something to eat or a coffee ..But this was a few days ago.. So I guess .aybe she still thinks this is happening.. I am going it till the morning I think...

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 30/07/2025 19:00

Send her a message clarifying your plans for Friday. ‘Hey- really looking forward to seeing you Friday. Shall I pick you up around 6pm?’

If she’s feeling a little put out you haven’t been able to meet her recently it shows you are still invested. If she cancels then suggests that she’s not feeling it anymore.

From her perspective you are also not messaging her today either and have rejected her plans to meet up (for genuine reasons but she may not be sure).

TwistedWonder · 30/07/2025 19:09

I agree with PP. Send her a message saying ‘looking forward to seeing you Friday shall I pick you up at xxx’

If she doesn’t reply you’ve got your answer

0161aj · 31/07/2025 08:49

Good morning guys.. I decided to sleep on it, which i think was sensible despite feeling anxious a bit when I woke up! I am going to leave it a few hours I think..and a bit later maybe just politely message..I appreciate the advice on the messages above, but my gut instinct is telling me that she wants no further communication. And I'd be building myself up, just to be left feeling hurt and rejected. I dont want to be that dude who's mithering and 'clingy'. But at the same time, its really hurting being left out to dry..

OP posts:
allgrownupnow · 31/07/2025 09:07

It sounds like you are overthinking it possibly. If you like her get in touch as pp have suggested. If she doesn’t want to carry on you won’t be in any worse situation than you are right now where you think that that’s the case. But you won’t be left forever wondering if some crossed wires have led to something fizzling out that could have been something because you didn’t lean in.
This is the trouble with texting. I always think a phone call is better because there is no guessing what each other mean…
Be brave OP!

Seaoftroubles · 31/07/2025 09:28

Don't leave it too long OP, just text her and say you are really looking forward to seeing her on Friday. As pps have said l imagine she may have felt you'd lost interest after declining her previous invitation to meet up. ... It's often guesswork with texting so be clear you want to see her as previously arranged.Then you will get your answer instead of second guessing!

OchreRaven · 31/07/2025 18:34

Would you rather miss out on something good because of poor communication on both sides than possibly put yourself out there and be shot down/ ghosted and know for sure?

By not messaging her you are just being a coward. You like her. She’s not said she doesn’t want to hear from you and she has responded to all your messages so far. Message her and if the date goes ahead tomorrow have ‘the talk’ in person. A man who knows what he wants is very attractive. And if she’s not on the same page and acknowledge it gracefully. That’s not clingy.

Kat888 · 31/07/2025 23:24

How did it go OP

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