Why am I still not over DH sexting another woman

[Outback7]

DH and I went through a rough patch exactly 2 years ago, we had a toddler and life was stressful, we argued alot so I asked him to leave. He begged me back and after a month I let him come back, saying we needed to take it slow. I didn’t sleep with him for 3 months, I just didn’t feel like being intimate just yet. Our sex life got back on track but I found out during our “dry spell” he had sexted a woman. I very impulsively checked his phone one day, it was unlocked in the car while he went to grab something and an urge came over me. I checked WhatsApp and saw in a sexting conversation to a woman that seemed to end after a few days of sporadic sexting/ general chit chat. I confronted him and he admitted he did it because I wasn’t being intimate and felt like I didn’t want him, she was easy. She’s a woman he slept with years ago I know about.
We moved on but it keeps biting me in my arse. It keeps popping up and I keep not trusting him. He’s working away lately, got a really good new job and I’m wracked with worry and feeling like he’ll cheat or text someone. I’ve just had a baby so we’re not sleeping together. He reassures me but gets angry when I won’t stop bringing the sexting up. How can I move forward?

You don't trust him because he's shown you he isn't trustworthy. It's a bit rich him getting angry at you. That's the consequence of betraying your spouse, it plays on their mind for years to come.

I would read up on betrayal trauma and get your husband to too. See if he can make you feel more safe and secure in your relationship.

He is demonstrably untrustworthy, so your feelings are correct.

Did he have sex with the woman when you were married?

Him referring to his ex as 'easy' is vile and says everything about what type of man he is. Entitled and misogynistic.

Did this happen during the time you kicked him out or when you were back together? If it was while he was kicked out then I wouldn't blame him, he couldn't know if you'd ever get back together. If it happened when he was back home then I'm not surprised you're struggling to get over it. If it happened while he was home and he wants you to get past it he needs to drop the anger and be patient and reassuring.

You can’t trust him because he went behind your back, dump him and moved on, unless you want both you and your kids to be unhappy.

Why should you be over it?

He showed you he couldn't be trusted not to cheat, so now you don't trust that he won't cheat. You're always going to have that knowledge in the back of your mind, you're never going to actually trust him again.

The question is, do you want to live like that?

He slept with her when we weren’t together. The dates of when he sexted her was when he came back exactly during the time he wanted sex with me but I wasn’t being intimate. I just still can’t believe he went there, got validation from her because I wasn’t going near him in that way. If I hadn’t have gone on his phone that day I’d have never had known. I think, in the years we’ve been together how many other times has he done it because that was the first time I’ve ever gone on his phone. I’ve obviously stayed for 2 years since, I just thought I’d have got over it by now but as I say since he’s been working away and I know we’ve not been intimate due to baby, my minds so distracted thinking he’ll text her or someone else. I’ve text him saying I need to talk to him when he’s back. I don’t know how long I can live like this anymore

What could he do/say to make you trust him? Genuinely. Hopefully he'll ask you this and it will help you both enormously if you can have an answer.

If there is actually nothing he could do or say to help then the relationship is doomed i think.

I read something once which said, basically, if you are going to try to forgive and forget then you need, for both your sakes, to not keep dragging your partner over the coals. It's just pointless living in misery or making your partner live in misery.

💐💐💐

Only you can decide what you want to do next and thats either leave the relationship or forgive and forget.

That means if you choose to stay you cannot keep bringing it back up any time you feel insecure or suspicious otherwise theres absolutely no point being together.

Why would you get over it? I wouldn’t.

I would speak to a therapist, rather than him.

It's not on you to 'get over it'. It's on him to regain your trust.

Why should you get over it. He behaved unfaithfully - people don't get over that, because it's a betrayal of trust. It's worse that it was with someone he had already had a sexual relationship with. You're taking his word for it that they never met up to conclude the sexting with action.

Of course you feel horrific.
If he loves you he will do everything in his power to rebuild the emotional trust so you don't feel so insecure and anxious. Otherwise every time you have an argument or a bad patch (and most relationships do have these from time to time) it's going to resurrect all the horrible feelings again.

What has he done to rebuild your trust in him?

Yes I could probably do with talking to a therapist about this, I don’t know why I didnt think of this sooner. He’s asked what I need to speak about and I’ve gave him the jist. He’s tried to reassure me over the phone. He's away till Friday so gives me a few days to think about what I’m going to say.
He’s never really done anything to regain my trust, we just carried on as normal. He’s not been secretive about his phone, it’s always left out and I know the password so I could easily check it when he’s asleep, he knows that. But after the sexting incident we just carried on as normal, it was near Christmas and we were so busy and I got distracted , then it comes to surface when I’m feeling insecure or like recently while he’s been working away. I don’t know if there would be anything he could do, I don’t want to be checking his phone constantly, that’s no life. This time working away is the first time we’ve ever been apart for days like this and it’s given me time to think

I've had some trust stuff with my DP recently. Mine is a bit lower key than yours, but importantly, he's approached it as 'I have fucked up. You need to be able to trust me, and so I need to put the work in to make that happen. I need to understand that trust is earned, that one day you may feel okay and the next you may not. I need to make it clear that that is absolutely okay, and I will listen, and I will apologise, and I will reassure'

He made some suggestions of things that may help, he asked me to think of anything I could think of too, and he is very obviously working on being a better partner to me. If he had been defensive or got angry, I would be gone.

He knows what you need to talk to him about, I'd say that he's got a concern that you'll be telling him it's over. I would stay calm and curiously ask him what he's doing to repair the damage, what steps he has come up with, what advice he has taken, what research has he done into how to rebuild trust with a partner after you've fucked it up. And see what he says.

I would absolutely reccomend getting a series of solo sessions in with a therapist, you're at the point now where you're stuck in your own head on a loop, and you could do with something to break that pattern so you can move forward.

This is shitty, but it's not your fault and you need to put yourself first, he isn't. He's sweeping it under the carpet and hoping it will go away, meanwhile you're driving yourself mad going over and over it trying to find 'the answer". He's defensive and shuts you down by gettting angry when you try to talk to him about it, which is unfair and unhelpful. The 'dry spell" wasn't your fault, it doesn't justify him making sexual connections outside the relationship unless that was something that was specifically agreed between you. You're not responsible for providing The Sex, there is no get out of jail card because you didn't fulfil your Wife Duty. Fuck that.

The problem is that someone who sexts with a woman during a difficult spot with their wife is someone who ,basically, treats women as interchangeable and faceless sex toys. If one isn’t available another will do just as well. He feels entitled to a female’s attention and sexuality as and when he wishes. While for you, OP, sexuality and intimacy are reserved for within the marriage and if it is not available you go without or work on the marriage.

He no doubt both thinks he did you a favour as he did “accept your no” and also thinks he is a very good boy as he simply used another woman as a masterbatory aid and temporary release or as he puts it “for validation.”

I wouldn’t be able to forgive as on every level he treats sex not as a sacred form of intimacy with you but as a hydraulic function like he’s a radiator that needs the steam bled out or a volcano that has to blow rather than as something that occurs between the two of you.

He betrayed you. Its something you can recover from if you want to, but not something that will go away because you ignore it.
You need to take time to really understand how you feel about it, share that with him and have him support you while you work through it.
It's important for you to know that it wasn't in any way your fault it happened - it was his choice and his alone. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you that you're not 'over it' by now.
He broke your trust and he will have to regain it. The process would be no different to recovery from physical infidelity as the resulting betrayal trauma is the same.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Do you think you'd both be open to couples therapy to try to work through?

You chucked him out, and let him come back only on the condition that he stayed at arm's length - it's hard to tell from your account whether he had behaved appallingly or if you were both rubbing each other the wrong way. OK, sexting another woman was a betrayal, but it doesn't sound as though you gave him reason to believe that you would have welcomed his loyalty at the time. If he did something really bad to trigger the split, have you forgiven him for that (rather than the sexting)? If so, have you told him? If you were partly at fault, have you apologised (which is emphatically not the same thing as conceding that his subsequent actions were justified)?

Now you know if you don't have sex with him he'll look for someone who will.

You rugswept your "rough patch", let him move back in, then when you wouldn't have sex with him on his timeline, he tried to cheat. Surprise, when you rugsweep, nothing changes.

@GoldDuster is dead on.

Go to marriage counselling and talk about the things that have been swept under that rug OP. Only then will you know if you are both committed to making it work.