Still struggling 5 years after marriage breakdown

[Justkeepswiimming]

I'm ashamed to admit this to many people I know and present an independent front to family and friends. And I am proud of who I have become, the strength I've gain and the independence.

But there are so many things I try very hard not to think about, that I struggle with. I struggle to understand why. I loved my husband very deeply and although I was the one who ended it due to the way he treated me and how unbearable it became, i still don't understand why he grew to hate me so much.

I'm now very much struggling with a new woman being in my daughters life and them being a little family that I cannot provide.

And tied into all of this I suppose I feel a deep sense that there must be something wrong with me. That I was the reason he grew to hate me. That because there is something wrong with me, that is the reason he is now in a new happy relationship and I am not. I try and front all of this off by saying I'm too busy for a new relationship and that I wouldn't want one. I'm happy on my own, and a lot of the time this is true. But equally I can't get out my head that niggle that I'm somehow unlovable and so maintaining to myself and other that I don't want one saves me from the hurt and disappointment of not finding one. I don't mean this to be a pity post but equally there aren't many people i know that I feel would maybe understand.

OP, have you ever had therapy of any sort to help you work through this? I ask because I walked away from a terrible relationship and counselling helped me piece together why I was in that bad relationship in the first place. It really opened my eyes and gave me confidence about myself.

You seem to have made the brave decision to walk away when he seemed to hate you and treat you badly. He was not a great partner and you managed to reject him. It wasn't you who were unlovable, it was him being unlovable at that time.

If you can, get outside help to understand your feelings even if you are coping well overall, so that you gain the confidence to form new connections with others when you are ready.

Thank you @PepperPot12345. I appreciate your response. I think i have avoided even thinking about it and when I do it hurts so I just put it to the back of my mind. I generally feel like I'm more than coping and that I've done really well but on reflection I think I've not dealt with al lot surrounding my marriage breakdown. I've not had counselling as its been financially not viable up until recently but I think perhaps I need to reconsider.

Definitely consider therapy. The time since the break up doesn't matter really, maybe you weren't ready to process how you feel until now. Now you're established as an independent person and your daughter has a supportive relationship it's somehow safe for you to get things out in the open and feel things?
You must know that one man treating you badly does not make you unlovable. Some men are mean and cowardly when they don't want to be in a relationship any more, they just drive the other person to end it by bad behaviour, affairs, silent treatment or whatever. Just read some of the threads on here. Would you think those posters are unlovable?
You have no idea whether your ex and his partner are truly happy or not, it may be all for show, and is no reflection on you regardless.

@Tartanboots logically I do know that, and what you've said is exactly what I'd say to someone else, but when I'm feeling vulnerable I think that's when these thoughts creep in.

If you are short on funds, there are usually low cost therapy/counselling options available. Try the local MH charities in your area, start with Mind.

BTW, it's not you, it's him. Get help, putting everything into perspctive will change things for you and enable you to move forward. 💐

I know what you mean about thoughts creeping in. It takes real effort to be kind to yourself sometimes, but it gets easier the more you do it 🙂.