Is this the start to the end?

[AML1103]

I know my fiance of 3 years doesn’t love me anymore but he won’t admit it.
we have an 8 month old child together and it all changed when I fell pregnant.
these are the things that go round my head daily.
background of him: He has severe ADHD and can be triggered by the smallest of things. He suffers with severe anxiety and is quite shy in person and overthinks everything he says or does. He cares a lot about what people think of him and is constantly questioning if he has done or said the right things and can play on his mind for ages. He has previously been branded as controlling and albeit, at the beginning of our relationship, I honestly thought he was but it turns out that he just didn’t trust anyone and he had to learn to trust to let go of his own insecurities because now he is as calm as anything and has done a complete 360 when it comes to his anxiety over our relationship.
pros:

• he’s always home and does tend to put us 1st when it comes to spending too much time away from the family.
• he is a good dad and helps with our son as much as he can
• he works very hard to provide for us
• everyone around us tells me he loves me more than anything and that they can see it in him because he’s changed so much as a person and is a lot happier.
• he constantly tells me he loves me.
• he always asks me to show him more affection. (I struggle with this due to the cons below)
• he always does small gestures to show me he thinks of me, for example he will run me a bath after a long day or make me my favourite bowl of fruit for when I come down after putting the baby to bed or even just getting me my favourite drink from the shop.

cons

• he is selfish in bed. Never wants to have sex but always wants me to do oral to him. He makes it very obvious aswell that he is not enjoying our sex and would happily never have sex again if I kept giving him oral whenever he asked for it which is daily.
• he is ALWAYS on his phone when he is at home. It’s hard to have a conversation with him because he is so engrossed on TikTok or texting his mates.
• when I raised the phone situation to him he said that nothing I ever talk about is interesting.
• he tried deleting me off his instagram bio without me noticing when he uploaded his first picture of him and our son and I swear it was so he could come across single..when confronted he said he deleted it by accident and I’ve also found him following girls on instagram too.
• he went on a lads holiday 2 months ago for 3 nights and didn’t text once to see how me and his son was.
• he constantly checks out other women on TV or when we are out but also winds me up about it too.
• when I raise these things with him, he says I’m mad and that he loves me more than anything and would do anything for me and that I overthinking everything plus he likes to then remind me of all the things he has done for me like stop going out so much with the boys or if he does go out then he’s home before 12pm or that he once took a 20k loan out for me when my business was struggling etc etc and continues to make me think I’m crazy.
• he constantly snaps at me and can call me names but then 2 seconds later act like nothing happened.
• he is so hot and cold with his moods, one minute he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and then the next he looks so depressed that it gives me anxiety wondering what he is thinking.
• He very rarely compliments me and he says it’s because I never appreciate them which is bullshit because I even told him at the very beginning that i feel weird receiving compliments because I’ve never really had them.
• he has said things in the past like “i should have left at the start” or winds me up saying it’s been the longest 3 years of his life and what he would give to go back to being 20 again..

anytime I raise anything which is often at the moment because I can’t stop thinking about it, he tells me he winds me up and that he’s just trying to get a reaction. He’s getting very fed up of the conversations surrounding our relationship and to be honest, so am I. He eventually does apologise and says he will do better but I never really see a major change if I’m completely honest. He’s still always on his phone, he will initiate sex and enjoy it 1 to 2 times after me bringing it up but then inevitably ends up going straight back to the way it was. im worried that I am now not helping the situation because I am so cold and distant. I am finding it hard to be happy and trust that he loves me, I find it hard to show him affection because I don’t feel loved by him. Is this the start to the end?

You being distant is a natural reaction. Who would feel close when someone says one thing with their mouth (I adore you) but acts in the opposite way?. Now he no longer spends his time fearing he'll lose you it turns out he's an arse. Presumably having had a child together he thinks you're not going anywhere so this is the real him. Behind the scenes. Is this what you want?

@supercali77 I think he does know that I won’t tolerate shit for very long. I also thinks he knows I’m not afraid of doing it alone. I added a lot more to his life than he added to mine so I can’t understand why he would want to treat me like this and continue to tell me he loves me and can’t wait to get married etc.

I almost feel like he needs a bit of a reality check. He needs to know what he is about to lose and have a taste of his life without me for him to properly understand the impact of what he is doing

He sounds hard work. Sorry OP

He'd be gone, if it was me.
I don't care if he has ADHD.
Bin.

@AML1103 i was reading and thinking this is one of those “hard work “ women but no.
Going to be blunt sorry op.
Seems he may love you who know or he loves the idea of family life
Seems the reality is he wants other females attention more than he cares about you
Also that short term high you talk of then depression. I’d say that comes from getting attention elsewhere then feeling deflated.
Whatever is going on with him he needs to grow up and be honest.

Seems you have tried though and best to seperate . You are allowing the behaviour. .
Also a man who doesn’t want sex with you I’d listen to that.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Stop tolerating this from him and plan your exit with due care and attention. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

ADHD (is he formally diagnosed?) is no excuse or justification for his abuses of you and in turn your child. Women in poor relations also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You’re in an abusive relationship with him and so it’s over. Your child certainly cannot afford to grow up
learning from his father that yes this is how women in relationships are treated.

I don’t think his behaviour is a reflection of his satisfaction in the relationship. It’s a reflection of himself. He is insecure and avoidant. He is pushing you away by saying things like you are hard work or he wish he never dated you. And looks for validation in the attention of other women (even if he doesn’t intend to cheat right now). I suspect he wants to be a good partner and father but doesn’t have the right tools to sustain it. Maybe some individual therapy would work.

And stop giving him oral you don’t want to when he is so selfish in bed. Has he given a reason why he has a sex drive but doesn’t want sex? I would be insulted that he wants to get off using me with the minimal amount of connection possible.

The issues you have identified are not sustainable long term if things don’t change. He won’t change without being forced to.

@OchreRaven He definitely looks for validation in other women 100%.. he uploaded me on his instagram a few weeks ago which he never does and when he did it, he showed me and said “look, your on my instagram, does that make you happy?” Which I found weird anyway for him to even make a thing out of it, I said yes and then continued to call me a cockblocker but laughed as if it was a joke when I know he was being serious. He then said again “as a joke” apparently that it winds him up that girls no longer like his pictures because he used to get loads! he says is so blarzay that it’s hard to go mad in the moment because he is saying it as a joke but I know he actually thinks that so whenever I say anything, he says he’s joking and winding me up.

as for the sex thing, when I first met him he did tell me that he has always had a problem with ejaculating and getting hard unless it’s oral. I made sure I asked him what turned him on and made sure he felt completely comfortable having sex, whatever I did worked because he has always finished but only because I’ve done what’s been needed to make it happen. When we first met like most people. We were having sex a lot, he even said one night that if the sex ever goes stale or if he’s on his phone a lot then it’s an obvious sign he’s no longer interested

well duhhhhhh, it’s happening! But he can’t seem to see it and it’s driving me crazy

Hay op, it's this,
You have to decide if this is how you want to be treated, he will treat you this way as long as you let him, end of

Stop the merry-go-round and get off op, he knows how you feel but continues this behaviour, how dare he, but he will because you let him,

Yes he may love you, your not feeling it so that's it, he is not nice to you op so stop him in his tracks, just stop it,

You deserve so much more, this is ' playing with your head, keeping you on your toes, the comments the 'it's a joke ' but it's not, he knows its not op,

Please find your strength and do not allow him to treat you like this op

You’re not mad, her gaslighting you and trying to convince you his shitty behaviour is acceptable. Your op is contradictory in pros and cons. He doesn’t seem like a good man or dad oif he goes away for 3 days and doesn’t check in and once!

This is really a him issue. The needing validation, insecurity, projection. He acts like your relationship is something he’s in control of. That he shouldn’t have a chosen you, he’s bored, he has other options. They are all subtle ways to make you question your worth. Including the ‘joking’. Why? Because if you believe you are lucky to have him you won’t leave him.

The reality is he’s probably insecure about his ability to perform in bed (maybe desensitised due to porn or has anxiety issues). And rather than address it he’s making it a ‘you’ issue and convincing you both it’s because he’s bored— making you feel you’re not good enough for him to maintain an erection and therefore must pleasure him to get him off. He’s pretending he’s in control of the relationship. But all he’s doing is making you rightly question why someone who claims to love you would act in that way. Why someone who loves you would want to hurt you and make you insecure. The truth is it’s projection because he is insecure and does these things to reassure himself that he is worthy.

You don’t need to point to specific jokes or comments because he will make them look trivial. But you can tell him the way he acts makes you question whether he is capable of the love you deserve. You don’t need to ask him whether he loves you. In his own way he probably does but the problem is his issues aren’t making you feel that way and you deserve to. And without emotional maturity and reflection he’s not a safe partner who you can trust with your emotions and your life.