Should we do the family holiday?

[Mogandbrew]

It’s two weeks away. The accommodation is booked but not the flights (Europe). We recently started counselling because of some big issues that keep coming up. I’m going because it’s helping us talk things through and that might at least mean we can keep things amicable - though I do think we’re on a slow road to separation.

We aren’t arguing, but we are sleeping separately and spending very little time together.

We have talked about him maybe not coming. I think if I said that’s what I wanted he would go along with it. Teen DCs are expecting us to all go away together though.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if that’s just because I don’t want to be the bad guy.

So do we do the family holiday - be grown ups and put aside our issues (and so we both get the holiday we originally planned)?

Or do we go without him? DCs know things aren’t great between us but it would be a big decision.

If you're not arguing, could you agree to park issues while on holiday so you get the time away with the kids? Maybe with some agreed time for each of you alone to decompress? How long is the holiday? Will you need to share a bed and is that a problem?

Surely you book flights, then accommodation?

<<misses point of thread>>

@PullTheBricksDownYes, we could. I don’t know if it’s that I feel like I’ve been doing that for a long time now and I finally found the strength to speak up - so playing happy families feels like I’m not being true to myself. I also don’t know if he could do it.

@Zempy - ha! There are loads of flights still to the place we’re going!

If you are not arguing and can agree to make the holiday all about the kids then go together. It seems unfair on the kids for him not to go, for the beginning of their parents separation to be the family holiday.

Could you go for the full time and he flies out to join you for a few days one end of the other? And you step back a bit those days, let him have some focused time with the kids and first choice of things to do etc?

I think the holiday could easily become a watershed : You say that the counselling is - for you anyway - more about keeping things amicable while you slowly unravel, rather than being about helping things be right (enough) to carry on.
If you don't go together - I think it would precipitate any separation.
If you go - well, you know that divorce lawyers are busiest in September and January, after unhappy couples are forced to spend more time together....
So maybe the only way to try to keep things half way amicable and not upsetting for the DC, is for you both to go, sleep separately, and plan activities separately as much as possible, splitting time with the kids. As you said, they will be well aware that things aren't right, and probably you explaining to them would be met with 'FGS Mum, you think we didn't know?' but nonetheless it might avoid the holiday being positively strained for them.

@PullTheBricksDown - we’re in AirBnBs. Both places we’ve booked have sofas so that would be the answer.

I think it could only work if we have lots of time out from each other.