Is this abuse

[Cornetti26]

Apologies if there is a better topic to put this under.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months, we don't live together however we spend most nights at each others places so alot of our time is spent together.

At the start of the relationship there was a lot of contact from him. WhatsApp messages throughout the day asking how I was, heart emoji s etc and often thought it was a bit much. When I looked this up a came across a few articles on love bombing, but thought surely not, and actually got guilty for thinking something that should be perceived as nice could be something more sinister.

After a few months this calmed down, however he started questioning alot of stuff I did. I was made to feel guilty about talking to guys at work and would be asked who I was messaging whenever I was on my phone.

He often puts me down but in a jokey way, which makes me feel quite stupid or that my emotions or feelings are invalid. For example I was recently quite ill and I felt like I got no sympathy from him (not that I'm expecting him to run around after me) but saying things like "there's nothing wrong with you" or "oh don't give me that" it felt quite belittling.

After an argument or disagreement he will make the things I've done or said seem worse, for example I've said something to him he will say I've shouted, even though I haven't shouted. This happens a lot to the point where I end up apologising to him even though I haven't shouted just to appease him. He will then give me the silent treatment and will ignore my calls messages etc.

I could go into more, but I'm.now questioning if this is a form of emotional abuse, it's quite subtle at the minute but I worry it could become so much more.

You can do better.

Yes, it will escalate. Please throw this one back. Don’t let this sorry excuse for a man gaslight you.

It certainly isn't loving, kind, normal boyfriend behavior. Add another few questions to the list: is this man kind?
Is this relationship fun?
Am I happy and fulfilled?

The answers to that may be easier. But tbh he sounds mean and awful

None of this sounds loving or positive. He is gaslighting you when you are ill, saying there's nothing wrong with you when you absolutely know there is. Leave, this will never get better.

Yes it's textbook. He conditioning you to behave in a certain way and what behaviours are unacceptable to him. Ie speaking to male colleagues, msging and keeping you meek and mild (the not shouting).

Subtle will eventually become overt. I'd you can see this now. Don't ignore it. Heed the red flags and walk away . It won't get better and you can't change him. Staying will emotionally erode your sense of self and self esteem. You may also end up being isolated and alone while trapped in a relationship with him.

Time to move on. Well done for recognising it.

Yes, he sounds controlling and abusive. It's really not subtle - what you've written down here clearly documents horrible behaviour towards you. If I were you I would end it now before it gets worse.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

This is abuse and furthermore it is escalating. This relationship now is over or it should be. This is not going to get any better and this is who he really is; the nice treatment at the beginning was love bombing. Putting you down verbally and silent treatment are both examples of abuse too.

Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by previous abuse and or life experiences, will be further eroded by this individual. Look at the Freedom Programme and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot higher than they are now. Abuse also like this can take some considerable time to recover from so this is yet another reason not to go headlong into another relationship.

there are people in this world who belittle others to make them feel more powerful. life is not easy - find someone who boosts you not pull you down.

Dump the prick. It’s not subtle from what you’ve said and will escalate.

@Cornetti26 yes it is ! Lovebombing . Gaslighting . Twisting the narrative . Always the blame game. Always your fault takes no accountability.

Next time he falls out with you. .
Do not call or txt and when you eventually hear form him (as you will ) tell
him it’s over and not to contact you again ( and mean it )
If he continues tell him you will call the police for harassment . This may sound extreme but you need to be strong or he will “hoover “ you back in

You deserve much better than this

I don't think it really matters labelling as abuse / love bombing / whatever: What matters is that the way he acts makes you feel insecure, unhappy. So it's not a healthy relationship. And no relationship is frankly better than a bad one. Don't make the mistake of hoping things will change, that he might change, wondering if it really is you, thinking that he's a good guy in some ways - nobody's perfect: It is an unhealthy dynamic and you should run before you invest more time or get more enmeshed. You know it's true - it's what you thought, so you started this thread to check and validate those thoughts. Consider them validated! And now please have someone at your back IRL when you tell him, because he will see this as alike to a prisoner attempting a jailbreak, he will plead, bully, manipulate and everything inbetween to get you back under control.

This is just the start, eroding your self worth, then he will cut you off from friends, then family isolating you and yet its abuse and control. You need distance from this person right now whilst you still have people that will help and support you

Thank god you don't live together, has he got a key to yours? Can you get it back.

I told him I thought he was gaslighting me and he has kicked off, saying that I'm awful for saying that and listed all the things I did wrong as usual never mentioned any of the things he did.

Time to say goodbye. It’s only going to get worse

If you have to ask if you’re being abused, you’re not enjoying the relationship are you? Whatever label it has, what is making you stay in a relationship where you’re arguing a lot, you’re unhappy, and you can’t communicate with each other well? You’ll just waste more time, this won’t change. Be done, and walk away.

Trying to discuss it with him is pointless, I’m afraid. The only thing you’ll get out of it is more gaslighting demonstrations - and the danger is that you might believe him.
You’re not happy- so go, find your happy somewhere else.