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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP advising me of starting at other men in pub

26 replies

Blodyneighbour · 30/07/2025 07:51

The title should say accusing me of staring !!!Been together 6 yrs. Last night he told me he said he saw me staring at other men in the pub a if I fancied them. (I didn't fancy them)
We normally do everything together, but last night he was asking me ..if I had the opportunity to go to somewhere , where there was only one ticket would I go without him.
This is making me wonder if he is projecting and wants to go somewhere without me, which I don't mind.

But when he said about me staring at men in the pub and I explained that I didn't fancy them! He said he wouldn't care if I did!

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 30/07/2025 07:54

Why do you usually do everything together? Do you never go out on your own with friends? If not, why not?

BCBird · 30/07/2025 07:56

I'd be suspicious if this id something totally unusual for him to say.

KingfisherAmmonite · 30/07/2025 07:57

Do you live together? Have children together?

Do you do things without him? Do you see friends and family regularly?

He sounds controlling.

Dery · 30/07/2025 08:04

Christ, that sounds suffocating. Do you want to do everything together? DH and I do a lot together but we do things separately, too, which I think is healthy. You’re two separate people and you need relationships and interests outside each other. He sounds jealous, controlling and problematic.

drspouse · 30/07/2025 08:09

This is a huge red flag. Is he controlling in other ways?

KPPlumbing · 30/07/2025 08:32

He'll be dragging you across the bedroom by your hair next.

Major red flags here. Get rid OP.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 30/07/2025 08:48

Well he’s a bit of a controlling wanker, isn’t he? I’d be telling him to back right off…utter arsehole!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/07/2025 08:48

Why are you and he together at all?.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

There is a reason why you apparently do everything together; he is keeping a close eye on you because he is in fact paranoid. Such controlling behaviour is abusive in nature and therefore your relationship to him is over. He really does think you're going to run off with another man in his head despite protesting otherwise. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

mrandmrsrobinson · 30/07/2025 16:43

He's had his head turned and is deflecting or he's simply insecure. Either way BIN!

Coconutter24 · 30/07/2025 17:27

if I had the opportunity to go to somewhere , where there was only one ticket would I go without him.
This is making me wonder if he is projecting and wants to go somewhere without me, which I don't mind.

This is mad, what sort of a relationship do you have for him to have a ticket and not just outright say ‘I’ve got a ticket for X on Saturday so I’ll be out from 6pm’. Why would he feel he has to project rather than just say or on the flip if you thought he was protecting why didn’t you just say have you got a ticket for an event or something

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 02/08/2025 00:03

Thanks for all the replies.
He has been acting differently lately and accusing me of things.

Also, I found out he had been messaging his ex 2 yrs ago. I have no proof they met, but I suspect it.

He also lies about a tattoo on his back. It is is Spanish and I know what it says. It says she is the love of his life forever and her favourite flower is a rose.
But he says its a random tattoo.
She keeps on messaging him saying she misses him , I saw this come up on his phone when he got a new phone.

So I'm just thinking I might be wasting my life on him

OP posts:
Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 02/08/2025 00:05

He promises to marry me, but lies about the tattoo etc. I did Spanish at school. But he just denies it means anything, yet won't remove it!

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 02/08/2025 00:06

My ex used to accuse me of cheating. He ended up divorcing me after having an affair with someone else so l would be wary. He sounds controlling and out of order to me

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 02/08/2025 00:10

Yeah Ive been divorced previously to someone who cheated
Only difference was that the ex husband didn't accuse me but this one does.
Saying I'm secretly messageing other people when I go to my car etc.

OP posts:
slightlydistrac · 02/08/2025 01:02

He's accusing you of ogling men in the pub. He's accusing you of secretly messaging other people. And I'm guessing he accuses you of other things too. He doesn't trust you, does he? And there is nothing at all you can ever say that will make him believe you are completely innocent. He will become increasingly jealous and controlling and accuse you of all sorts of things you're not doing.

"So I'm just thinking I might be wasting my life on him"

Yes, I'm afraid you probably are.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2025 11:48

Why are you with this prick?

TwistedWonder · 02/08/2025 11:52

He’s a controlling wanker who is projecting his lying and cheating into you

Please seriously think about leaving this before it’s even worse

Dery · 02/08/2025 13:19

@TwistedWonder has nailed it. This guy is judging you by his own standards. He knows that he is happy to lie to you and maintain inappropriate contact with his ex; he knows he cannot be trusted. So he assumes you can’t be trusted either. Plus he is controlling and wants to shrink your existence. He is a bad partner for you. In your shoes, I would be looking to move on.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 03/08/2025 20:45

Thank you for your replies.
I outright told him I had a bad feeling..
I think he is also future faking me by saying we're gonna get married etc. But after 6yrs I doubt it will happen and I know that tattoo means something to him

OP posts:
Betsy95 · 03/08/2025 20:50

I think there’s a couple of things here

You are both allowed eyes and looking at other people doesn’t mean you are attracted to them.

it does sound like maybe he has a ticket or wants to go out without you but is going about it in a round about way?

I would think if you’ve been together 6 years and want to get married but it’s not been in sight and you aren’t engaged yet then you need an honest conversation about that.

as for the ex, if they haven’t got kids together then there’s just no need for the too and fro between them.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 03/08/2025 20:57

Thank you
No kids together

OP posts:
Insanityisnotastrategy · 03/08/2025 20:59

Honestly, this doesn’t sound like the healthiest relationship if he expects you to be joined at the hip, makes weird comments about you fancying other men and contacts his ex in secret. I know it might feel like six years down the drain but are you genuinely happy? He sounds dodgy, not like a great life partner. Maybe it's not a bad thing he hasn't wanted to get married, less to untangle.

Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 03/08/2025 21:15

I can't get over the tattoo to be honest!

A bit of a drip feed coming up ...

2 yrs ago , I went through an old phone of his.
He had someone take a pic of the tattoo...he the explained to her what it said. It said she would always be the love of his life.
Everytime I have asked him about it , which isn't often, he says it was random and he got it when he was drunk and doesn't know what it says

OP posts:
Original poster
Blodyneighbour · 04/08/2025 00:02

I also have a strange gut feeling like last year when I think they were meeting up.

Im not a paranoid person. But my gut screams to me if that makes sense.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/08/2025 11:40

Blodyneighbour · 04/08/2025 00:02

I also have a strange gut feeling like last year when I think they were meeting up.

Im not a paranoid person. But my gut screams to me if that makes sense.

Never mind that, this man accuses you of wanting to cheat for having eyes.

Bin bin bin bin bin bin bin bin.

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