Everything Amazing other than Communication

[WhatIsTheRightChoice]

Hello fellow mumsnetters. Name changed for this.

I'm feeling completely stuck with what I should do to improve my situation. DH is such a wonderful man and father but his moods and their effect on how he communicates with me is taking away all the positives.
I do find it hard to articulate how I'm feeling about this and I think a lot of people that know me would think I'm mad to even contemplate splitting from DH as he is so supportive and generous. I find that things can be amazing, with so much happiness and positivity and then DH will talk to me like I'm an acquaintance or the bain of his life and it wipes out all the millions of wonderful things. This is a repeated pattern for 15+ years.
I guess I'm after your opinion on whether this is acceptable to you and then maybe I just need to give my head a wobble!! Perhaps I could do with some therapy too.
3 days ago I took my DS and DD camping with some friends, DH didn't come as he hates camping. Admittedly DH is stressed with work and was messaging while I was gone saying about how lost he's feeling so I know he's not 100% happy right now but when we got home today, I greeted my DH with excitement to see him and joy in my voice and I got a 5 second delay, spoken through gritted teeth 'hi' and I said did you miss us, again with affection in my voice and again there was a pause and quiet 'um yeh'. He didn't get up or ask if we had fun or anything. I kind of felt like he was using his communication to bring me down and show me he's not happy but without saying anything.
I do realize it might seem insignificant but it's not an uncommon event
What are your initial thoughts readying this?

Moodiness is awful to live with. It sounds as though he gets a kind of perverse satisfaction out of sucking the joy out of your life. Which would be bad enough just for a day or so, and might be blamed on work stress or whatever... but you say 15+ years of this...???!?!! 😳 No, that's not good at all.

Your thread title intrigued me because in my view, communication is the most important thing of all. As is being with someone who wants you to be happy. It sounds as though there is a poisonous dynamic in play here, sorry OP 😕

Obviously one post is not enough to print a full picture of what kind of person he is, but from what you said he reminds me so much of my exh. I left him after twenty five years of marriage, I just could not live like that any more. I am full of life, laughter and love and he is... well, he is not. It just wore me down. 😔

Same 😊

Many years later I remarried, and DH#2 could not be more different! 💗

@Beachtasticthanks so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I think your phrase of sucking the joy out of life is fairly accurate. It's not daily but small triggers can cause big mood swings that me and the kids then need to navigate. It's such a shame as I love to be happy (don't we all!) and have a lot of patience, and like people /interactions with strangers but it gets dampened fairly swiftly.

I find this behaviour unbearable. Why is it ok to be like that?? Would he do it to a colleague or friend??

I didn't realise until after leaving him how much his moods had controlled what I did. Life became so much more spontaneous and fun once I wasn't constantly worrying about whether he would be OK when I got home or whether he needed me there or whatever. Just little things like having a friend pop round, spontaneous decisions to do something, these were ruled out rather than navigate potential gloom.

Life can be really lovely, when someone isn't dragging you down all the time.

As @livelovelough24 found, the years since we split have been very revealing. I went on to live a happy and fulfilling life, and he... didn't. I used to worry endlessly about him being miserable, but then I realised that's what normal looks like to him. In his own way, he probably likes it that way.

No, although sometimes I do hear him speaking to his team and I wonder what they think of him. He's very intolerant to the kids not fully engaging in conversation with him. I'm not sure he sees his own behavior, and I know the easy response to that is to tell him like it is but that doesn't land well

So, you went camping. He doesn't like camping and has a lot on so it seems like the obvious thing for you to go alone.

But, he was not happy about that because he wanted you to be at home with him.

Then he spent the time you were away guilt tripping you by making lots of comments about how unahppy he was and how alone he felt (ie that you weren't with him).

And then, when you came back, he made it clear he was still pissed off.

let me ask you this - are you thinking about what you could/should have done differently so that he wouldn't feel this way? Perhaps you're thinking it was a mistake to go camping when you knew he was unhappy. I bet you will think twice before you do it again?

So win win for him again - he gets to make your world smaller and he gets what he wants.

@MageQueenI would definitely camp again as I do back myself that me and the kids enjoy it and we're entitled to but I'm just so fed up that he can't/won't react like a 'normal' person, a husband that missed his wife and kids and instead it's like his ego gets in the way. Whilst I sound forthcoming re camping, there are often plans with friends that I need to plan when to bring up around his moods

@WhatIsTheRightChoice
He is so supportive and generous. I find that things can be amazing, with so much happiness and positivity.

Can you give us some examples of this? It would help us to understand.
So far, I haven't heard too many positive things about him and what he does for you and the family.

You are having to plan your and the dc's lives around whether or not he is in a mood. In other words, you are walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for the next thing to piss him off.

That is a horrible thing to have to put up with in a relationship, and it won't be doing your dc any good - they'll grow up thinking it's normal and to be expected.

there are often plans with friends that I need to plan when to bring up around his moods

At the risk of overprojection, this does sound uncannily like my DH#1.

He had this odd default setting of bursting my bubble at the first sign of me being energised and excited by anything, particularly if it was something without him at the focal centre.

It could be anything - even trivial things I took pleasure in, like enjoying flowers in the garden - but he would immediately prick my little bubble of happiness to deflate it instantly, as though he was worried that if he let it continue to inflate I might just float away out of sight. (I suspect all this was grounded in deep insecurity of some sort, but what a way to express it and reassert control!)

When I left him, we were stuck under the same roof for a few months, during which time he made life as hard for me as possible. He got iinto the habit of sarcastically humming songs that I knew had significant lyrics. I think it's rather telling that Frank Sinatra's "Young at Heart" was one of them. Bizarrely, I wonder if in a way he was simply jealous of me for being capable of enjoying life in a way that he never would. Sad for him, of course, but I'm so glad I got out before he crushed my spirit completely!

Fairytales can come true, it can happen to you
If you're young at heart
For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams
And life gets more exciting with each passing day
And love is either in your heart, or on its way
Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart
For as rich as you are it's much better by far
To be young at heart
And if you should survive to a hundred and five
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart
And if you should survive to a hundred and five
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart

The damage to the children is real, unfortunately. I very much mirrored my mum's experience in marriage, which is why I thought it was OK for so long.

Except in the most extreme situations I don't think in a normal healthy relationship you have to plan when to bring up perfectly reasonable things like plans with friends. I mean, my DH can be a bit anti social sometimes so if he's already feeling a bit tired and stressed out and I mention something, even if it's next week, that can ovwehwlem him. But then, he also has ADHD and I consider this an extreme example. 90% of the time, I make plans and then casually mention it to him when I remember, without giving a moment's thought to how he will react.... because his reaction will be "great, sounds fab" or "Oh, that day I've agreed to take an extra shift at work - sorry, I forgot to put it in the diary, is that okay?" (ADHD!)

So inestead of picking a moment to talk about how he’s feeling if raise an issue, he just sulks and is moody? If he were to gently raise an issue wouod he be heard? Or dismissed? I’m guessing he’d be heard but just checking. As someone who’s spent years being utterly dismissed if I raise something you can no often find me silent, shut down, monotone etc because I don’t have the energy to pretend nor try to be heard any more.

Yes, I'd like to think I'm receptive to issues he has, I'm of the opinion that dealing with an issue and moving on is so much more relaxing than stewing on it.
He's all normal again now so I feel completely different which I realise isn't healthy but life is pretty awesome when we're normal and I bury my head in the sand

I thought that wouod be the case.

Is he at all receptive to hearing the impact of his behaviour? Willing to believe it? Do something about it?