Unsure what topic but advice needed please

[Xmumof3xo]

Hi,
so I’ve recently been left by the ex as he went to someone else, I’m pregnant with his baby, I’m 13 weeks as I’ve had my first scan.
now I didn’t want him at the scan as I felt it to be inappropriate, but he’s kicking off at me and demanding he comes to the gender scan and reveal.
we have a little girl together and everyday I feel attacked by him, our daughter had a sickness bug and I had to cancel him seeing her as we meet at soft play for 2 hours a week and I never felt as rubbish as I did, he made it all about himself.
how do I stop him from being vile towards me?
should I allow him the gender reveal?
he has made it clear he absolutely hates me, he was controlling and aggressive throughout the relationship.

you don't need to include him in anything
and if he is using contact with your DD as an opportunity to be horrible to you, that won't be doing her any good either
it sounds like you are well rid and just need to think and plan carefully how to minimise your dealings with him
ask around locally and see if you can attend the freedom programme
I guarantee you will recognise many of his behaviours in those discussions

congratulations on your pregnancy- start planning a peaceful life for the 3 of you

It sounds like you should put as much distance between yourself and this abusive man as possible. He's already gone off with someone else, you don't need to let him take the joy out of your pregnancy.

Honestly I am trying, my pregnancy is high risk, I’m under consultant care due to high blood pressure, I’ve asked him well begged him to stop stressing at me or causing trouble for no reason, but he doesn’t fail to bring stress everyday. I really wish he would just leave us alone, he likes the appearance of being a dad, but refuses to pay child support, his idea of parenting was turning coco melon on and sitting on his phone. I record every week at the soft play and have an escape route just incase, I’m quite worried about what he will do to me. He doesn’t show he cares for his daughter, she has a pet allergy and he turns up covered in pet fur (it can’t be helped) but I’ve asked him to put spare clothes in his mums car because daughter really suffers, then she’s up all night sneezing, unable to breathe through her nose and itchy skin that causes bleeding. (I have to stick by visits due to a court order) I’m ready run off

how long are you separated, if you are 13 weeks pregnant and you already have court-ordered visits it seems like it has Al been a rush?

So the only contact is at a soft play and he’s coming on his mum’s car - is he now living with his mum or just borrowing her car? is there a possibility you could have the contact at his mum’s while his mum is there, or ask your own mum or relative to come sing to the soft play? It would be harder for him to abuse you with another adult there.

Why are you in contact with him every day? Could you create a WhatsApp group which has your mum and his mum on it, so all messages are copied to them - and totally ignore all other messages from him? Explain that you and he aren’t getting along and you’d like the have the mums on copy to messages so the conversation stays constructive and focused on the kids’ welfare.

How has he managed to get to family court so quickly? If you are only 13 weeks pregnant he must have left you after that and i waited months to get to court and even then it was a lot longer before there was an order. Did you bring up his non payment of cm up with the court? Obviously you don't have to allow him to any scans or appointments though

We went through court as he wanted something incase we did break up, I agreed so we had something there. His mum drives him to where he needs be, he’s living with the girl, we have a parenting app, he messages to ask how little girl is, then it just gets out of hand, I’ll reply “she’s ok” but he doesn’t like a little reply, he wants a paragraph each time, the court order was simply because he didn’t want get married and wanted everything done properly so it was fair, looking back yeah I was stupid and gullible. He now wants ivf with this girl as she can’t conceive naturally.

Then use the parenting app only.
Record when he shows up covered in pet hair, request via the app that he has a change of clothes and document in the app her reaction after.

Explain via the app that as you're separated you're not comfortable with him attending events or appointments but you'll give him a description of the appointments if required.

Advise you're happy to give him an envelope with baby's gender and he can do his own private reveal, his presence is not wanted at yours.

Use that app only for communication, build your own case and get the orders amended if needed.

Apply for child support and if he refuses to pay; then he'll have the consequences to deal with. Just grey rock him.

Thank you so much for the advice! I do really appreciate it, I will build up my case I already have so much evidence

If you’re not married you can register the birth without him on the certificate, I would. Well you have to if he doesn’t accompany you to the registry office.

No we aren’t married luckily, hes got doubts about this baby, when he’s the one playing around. He can have a dna when it’s born, I aren’t being dragged through the dirt and made out to be a monster when it’s him, why are narcissists always the victim 🙄🤷🏽‍♀️

Do you have access organised via court? Using a parenting app is a great idea but you need professional advice if you're frightened of him. You're vulnerable after breaking up with an abuser.

Normally I'd advise going through CMS and third party handovers but you could be at risk if you do anything. You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation which you can find on your council website. You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline 24/7.

Rights of Women can give you free legal advice regarding contact and his abusive behaviour. You can also try Coram: childlawadvice.org.uk/