Argument

[Platypusdiver]

Stupid argument with DH that got horrible. DH is a native speaker of a Scandinavian language. We live here. DD is bilingual. Today dd told me that it is only me that she speaks English too. (English lessons at school are far behind fluency. Her school and friends are in this second language.)

Dd also told me that her and her dad (DH) only speak in their language when alone - not english together. Note our family language is English. Also DH's level of English is outstanding. He is a language genius, but hates helping me speak his language (because it annoys him or he genuinely doesn't understand that others have difficulty with learning another language, and I am particularly slow/bad, even after 20 years.)

Me and dh went to the pub for a couple of drinks. I asked him if he could speak more english to dd when they are together. I wouldn't feel bad then if dd speaks to me in second language. She is really patient, but corrects my mistakes - the best teacher and it is bonding experience together.

Dh turned into a complete arsehole. We had a horrible argument when he insisted that I wanted us to switch languages with dd (I didn't say that). But the worst was when he demanded that I tell him when he spends time alone with dd. Repeatedly. Loudly. Many many times. In the end he told me it was a retoritical (sp?) question because I should know as I am her mother.

I don't know. I know today was bad. It was bad I know I didn't do anything wrong, only wanted a discussion.

Sorry OP I don't really understand!

Are you living in the UK?
How old is your DD?
Why do you feel bad that DD considers your language her second (if I've understood that correctly)?
What does she correct you on?

I have no idea what’s going on here, OP. I assume these drinks were earlier tonight?

I think often when drink is involved discussions don't always go as planned. I think it's up to.your dd which language she chooses to converse in. I'm not sure from your post where you are?

I’m guessing you live in the Scandi country, DD speaks that language with her dad and you want the three of you to speak English. Why haven’t you learnt the Scandi language yet?
How much did you and DH have to drink?

The language thing is almost irrelevant. It was the way that dh started yelling at me. I added the subject of the argument for context. But I am upset because of how he spoke to me - no discussion, just aggression.

Dd is 13. Speaks English and second language fluently. But doesn't speak to anyone in English apart from me.

Yes, drinks were had.

I speak the language to an intermediate level. But I have an English speaking job, which makes getting to fluency very very hard.

Are you worried your daughter will reach the point where she can't communicate with you in English? It seems unlikely, if you all communicate in English when together as a family. I don't think you can dictate what language your DH uses when alone with his own child, especially if living in that country.

I am not going to dictate that he speaks English to dd. I just asked that he speaks English some of the time with dd. He was "allowed" to say no. A discussion. It was how he spoke to me that I am upset by.

Btw: If I don't speak English to her, I am concerned that she will lose some of her understanding.

Does he often turn into a "complete arsehole"?

Reading between the lines (!), it sounds as though he feels he rarely gets time alone with DD and relishes the chance to speak with her in his native tongue?

As long as you all speak English together, it seems unlikely she will forget it or fall behind with vocabulary...?

I don't know if him speaking alone with her using his own language makes you feel excluded in some emotional way, but it shouldn't. There are some things you can say in one language that aren't quite the same in another. It's nice that she will learn and enjoy both languages...?

Reading between the lines (!), it sounds as though he feels he rarely gets time alone with DD and relishes the chance to speak with her in his native tongue?

Fair enough. I would understand that if he told me that instead of attacking me. I would have no problem with that.

I don't know if him speaking alone with her using his own language makes you feel excluded in some emotional way, but it shouldn't,

No it doesn't. In fact, we speak English together. (Although I would like it if it could be in the second language. It is the "path of least resistance" that dicates the language in our family. That is what upsets me.)

Also (drip feed alert) dh is embarrassed by my language skills. I can speak it but get flusted with grammar / vocab and have a "rough" english accent. Maybe that is why he kicks off so nastily when I bring up the subject. Also why I get so upset. I have been learning this language, while working, for 20 years, and I am still shit at it.

It is horrible to feel a bit incompetent in the language of the country you're living in. I have experienced that too! It's a weirdly isolating feeling.

Sounds a bit as though there's some unspoken agreement that English is "second best" but you're not able to spontaneously join in with the "real" conversations and are worried about DD drifting away...?

Maybe instead of asking him to speak more English when alone with her, which does seem unfair, you could insist on trying more of your imperfect language skills when conversing as a family? I get it, it might make the difference between having a stilted conversation versus an interesting one. But being able to do that at home would help you come to grips with it. Or at least it would, if he could be less judgemental about it 😕