Life after cheating - what transparency do you expect?

[Betsy95]

If your partner has cheated how transparent do you expect them to be afterwards?

If they are cagey with their phones and laptops etc and shut them down or turn notifications off when you are around would this worry you?

Yes this would worry me. I would expect complete transparency of everything until I am satisfied I can completely trust them again. If they can’t handle building that trust back up again then send them packing.

No one who had been unfaithful to me would have the option of continuing as my partner. So the issue of ongoing ‘transparency’ wouldn’t arise.

Just get it over with now and dump them.

I know what you mean and yes it was probably entirely silly to give them another chance.

I’ve been down this road before.

They haven’t been able or willing to be open and transparent and always seem on edge, turning off notifications etc or hiding the phone / laptop.

I found some emails (yes I know I shouldn’t have looked and it’s a breach of privacy etc etc)
to an ex he’s already cheated with, they were him reaching out with a “Hi” I asked him and his response was “it doesn’t prove anything sexual”

Didn’t fill me with confidence.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're just kicking the can down the road.
The behaviour is very suspicious and he/she's got previous, so...

Get rid. He’s taking the piss and has no respect for you. Well done for snooping- you obviously need to!!

Thanks I know … just wanted a sense check on whether I’m being oversensitive or unreasonable.

Betsy, if you found this message after you had taken him back then that’s just a slap in the face. Got away with it once, he’s now trying to fuck about again. LTB - from the bottom of my heart

He's messaging the woman he was already unfaithful to you with?!

Honestly OP, see what's staring you in the face.

I know I know

trust me I’m already hanging my head in shame!!

Time to change that feeling to anger! At him, and at yourself for putting up with it up to now.

It's "ducks in a row" time!

@Betsy95 why are you hanging your head in shame? You gave him compassion, empathy, grace and a chance and he has thrown it in your face. Be proud of the person you are! And don’t you dare worry about snooping, you’ll only get a well done from me. The reason your snoop is you’re hyper vigilant and the reason you’re hyper vigilant is he’s not a safe partner for you. Time to put yourself first and as hard as it will be get rid of this unremorseful cheat!

Thanks, that’s a really kind message and just what I needed this evening.

I meant every word @Betsy95! This behaviour is his shame.

Be your own best friend now. I know it will be hard, I don’t underestimate that but he’s taken advantage if your good nature for too long. It’s time to draw a firm line in the sand.

I have no time for cheats but I have even less time for the dirt bags who watch their partner/spouse in huge amounts of pain and suffering the trauma of infidelity and carry on.

It shows a very VERY nasty streak!

He’s right. The message didn’t prove anything sexual. But there are betrayals that don’t include sticking your dick in a vagina. Like being dishonest and disrespectful. His messages and actions around his devices have shown this.

My DH hasn’t cheated but if he acted like that with his devices I would be suspicious because his behaviour is suspicious. Trust is built on trustworthy behaviour. He doesn’t have a right to be forgiven and his behaviour shows he doesn’t care if you trust him as long as he can continue the status quo.

Just been through a very similar situation , although I had known for months and stood back and watched while my wife was sneaking around at every opportunity that she could.

still denied everything once it all came out , at that point I realised I don’t know who she is anymore, and the men involved have done me a favour but it has taken me a while to calm down after feeling hurt , angry and disappointed that she doesn’t have the respect after all these years to be honest with me !

he will not change I can guarantee you that! and without trust you will always question what he’s doing when he’s out and looking at his phone

you deserve better , take time to heal and when your ready you will find your perfect partner

I don’t want to sound harsh here but that is just totally unacceptable.

You really need to get rid of this loser. He will just make you unhappy.