Hi everyone, I’m really struggling and would appreciate some honest perspectives.
My husband and I started living together for the first time in October 2024, when he moved to England from Albania. He works as a waiter and is adjusting to life here. It’s been a big change for both of us, and I’ve tried to be patient and supportive, but I’m feeling more and more unheard and uncertain in our relationship. I often explain things away as cultural differences or language, but it's starting to not sit right. We are in our early 40s. I felt like I was strong but this has really worn me down.
A small example recently left me really hurt. I cooked spaghetti Bolognese for him after his shift, but he didn’t want it as he’d had something similar at work. Fair enough – he said he’d eat it the next day. But the next morning, he told me he was hungry the night before. I reminded him the food was in the fridge, and he replied that he thought I’d cook something else. I felt criticised and unappreciated – like my effort meant nothing.
That’s just one example, but there’s a wider pattern that’s starting to really affect me:
- He sometimes laughs when I’m voicing genuine concerns.
- When I shared my anxiety about having a baby, he gave me the silent treatment, then later acted like nothing happened because he was angry.
- He removed our wedding photos from his Facebook because he said he didn’t like how he looked.
- When I ask for affection, he responds with things like “what happens when I don’t give it?”
- There’s ongoing pressure to have a baby, even though I’ve explained financial stress and mental health reasons. He ignores those and focuses on our ages and how it “looks” to others.
- I’m often told I’m too sensitive, that his intentions aren’t what I think, or that “this is just his culture.” I am a sensitive person and can be emotional, but this is who I am.
- If I say he’s upset me, I’m told he “didn’t shout or hit me.”
- He often speaks in a derogatory way about women, doesn’t really compliment me, and believes that men showing lots of love is a weakness.
- When I’m on my period and not in the mood for sex, he’s had a negative reaction – only once, but it left me feeling awful. I’ve tried to compromise (like suggesting sex during the day instead of at night), but he won’t meet me halfway.
- When something he says upsets me, and I say so, I’m told I’m changing the conversation
- If there’s no food he likes or things aren’t how he expects, he’ll get moody, complain, or just walk out of the room. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly.
- I told him I felt small and not listened to, but when I went quiet, he said, “The environment is weird”, and went to call his mum.
- He tells me to talk to him about how I feel, but I genuinely don’t know what the point is anymore.
And last Thursday really angered and upset me:
We were walking, and he accidentally bumped into me. I gave him a look (not intentionally angry, just surprised), and he shouted at me in the street, saying I gave him a dirty look. Later that evening, we were on a bus, and he couldn’t sit in a space – and he swore at me.
I know relationships aren’t perfect, and I do try to see things from his side, including the cultural differences. But I feel like I’m the only one adjusting. I give in to avoid arguments, and I’m now questioning: how much compromise is too much?
I feel quite lost and isolated in this. Has anyone else been through something similar? Am I missing something here?
Thanks so much if you’ve read all this. I really appreciate any advice or perspective.