So fed up with DH, I don’t know if I even like him anymore?

[Astridastro]

For context at the moment I’m on holiday DH is WFH, we have 4 DC 2 of whom are adults. DC1 is mentally very unwell, unable to work/college etc. They spend most of the day asleep. DC2 has been home from uni for a few months, they do not have a job despite apparently looking and rely on DH and I financially. I have a chronic illness and I never have a full nights sleep which leaves me very tired and in pain most of the day. On days I work it’s about all I can manage to do.

Whenever I ask DH for help his stock answer is get one if the DCs to do it. Yes the DCs are lazy but so is he, he thinks because he is working that’s enough. Anytime I am doing housework he’ll say “why aren’t the DCs doing it?” they do nothing all day.

I am not disputing that they should help out but he seems to use it as an excuse for him not to do anything, it’s always my fault that I’ve not got the DCs to do it.

he’ll also say things like “what’s wrong with you?” And I’ll say oh I’m sore to which he’ll reply oh you’re always sore is this a new sore? He think that sticking frozen food in the oven for dinner is him cooking and doing his bit and now he says he’s not going to do that.

At weekends he has the see impossibly long to do lists for himself and cannot deviate from them, if we go anywhere it’s for to be early in the morning, always rushed so he can get back and we can’t spend money. Makes the whole thing so unenjoyable. I questioned him as to why despite us both being high earners we always seem to have no money to which I got a spreadsheet of all the things he’s spent over £100 on from the start of the year.

Im just so so tired of the get the DCs to do it about everything it’s like his Get out of jail free card.

I’d move out with the younger 2 and leave them to it. Seriously. Your DH sounds nasty. I’m sure he wasn’t always like that but sometimes life makes people bitter.

A spreadsheet???!!!???

oh, OP; life is really too short to waste with this man 😔

Take the younger DC and run. Trial separation.

leave DH with the 2 older kids and see how he does.
you might like him better after a 6m break…… and he might realise he is being a pig.

if he doesn’t demo being a good household member, then why would his kids step up?

Do none of your kids do anything?

It sounds like you really don't like each other, and the marriage doesn't enhance your life?
You could start the divorce online, and plan where you'll live etc.
Two adults kids sitting around in such an unhappy house, doing nothing, will not improve their mental health or job prospects.

2 youngest wouldn’t want to leave with me, they are near adults and like their Dad far better than me as he’s the fun parent. I’m just some old nag who always unwell

yes they do things around the house he gets them to do something each day which they do eventually

I think I’m fed up of all of them TBH

@JohnDenver
Maybe just go, see how all of you feel with a trial separation. In my marriage, I was the one who had to do all the discipline / organising with the kids, sometimes it did impact my relationship with them. But I only left after they’d left home and were independent - yours may have a different view of you and your DH if he has to actually do the things you normally pick up. But you clearly need a break!

Plan for what you want from life for the upcoming decades, you don't need to stay stuck with 5 people that you're fed up with.

@Astridastro your DH sounds awful and uncaring. And his abrupt questioning of your illness is just so mean and undermining as well actually. Doesn’t surprise me of the opinion you say the younger DC have formed when they hear their ‘preferred’ parent talking down to you like that.

I agree with PP just make a plan and go make it happen when the logistics, your health and finances are all aligned. You deserve so much better than this meanness every day which is hardly likely to make you feel physically much better either. You have your own salary and perhaps finding a new home to rent will be easier than otherwise if you say none of the DC may want to move with you.

Fingers xd, life improves for you.

It’s horrible I don’t feel part of my family a lot of the time as I’m often so tired and unwell I spend a lot of time in bed and the rest of them are downstairs having a good time, screaming, laughing etc and I’m noise sensitive so I have ear plugs. I don’t sleep in the same bed as DH anymore as I prefer it as he complains about me moving about and being on my phone whilst he’s trying to sleep. I read on my phone until I’m exhausted as that’s the only way I can sleep. I average about 6 hours a night never in a full stretch. Tonight I’ve been trying to sleep since 11pm I’ve dosed off and woke up about a half hour later. I’ve just gotten up and taken more painkillers.