Would you rather...

[NoMatch4Me]

Date someone who has been single for 6 months or 6 years?

Hypothetical question really but I just wondered, in your personal opinion, which one would give you the most red flags? I am dabbling a bit in the world of OLD (just to see what's out there atm) so have come across both of the above. I, personally, am almost instantly put off by a person who says they are very recently single, i dont know why but it just feels like a situation for drama. However, on mn I have seen the general consensus of someone long term single (in this scenario 6 years) is a major red flag and it's most likely the person is either the devil, lying or actually still in a relationship.

So i just want to ask to see if i might be missing something glaringly obvious that i need to avoid... what would you prefer, which is your red flag and why?

I have been single for over 8 years and I have thought that may put people off. To answer your question I would rather date someone who had been single for 6 months rather than 6 years

Don’t stress about it. Depending on how it ended, some people are perfectly ready after 6 months - some are still seriously fucked up. Some people are long term single for a reason, some are unlucky or haven’t been looking. Date the one you fancy. The one who’s reasonably intelligent and articulate. Who’s genuine and empathetic. Who makes you laugh. And put them through the same filters, however good they seem! But don’t pre-judge based on how long they’ve been single, there’s a lot more important shit to worry about! (I’m single 18 months, btw, so no particular bias towards either of your extremes).

As someone who has been single 5 years , there’s a lot of judgement about what must be wrong with me.

Personally I’d rather date someone who has had a decent gap between relationships to work on themselves than one who jumps from one partner to the next

It does depend on circumstances but I’d be hesitant to date someone who is less than about 18 months out of a LTR or marriage

I remember when I started OLD, I had been single for two years. With hindsight, I was still in a state over my divorce and ExH. Sometimes you might be better off with someone who has been single a bit longer than 6 months, just so the dust has settled on whatever went on in their previous relationship, especially if they have children.

Length of time single is an arbitrary measure. Neither would phase necessarily. Someone could be happily single for many years and be a real catch. Someone might be a repeat partner with a trail of failed relationships and unable to be on their own. Just keep an open mind and your wits about you. Good 🍀 luck.

My personal view is 6 years, makes sure they haven’t got any leftover baggage or issues.

My DP had been single for 5 years when I met him and it took another 3 years before we got together. I find it easier that it was 5 years as no baggage or worries about unrequited feelings for his ex.

6 months, they haven't spent enough time alone. Six years have their stuff sorted and wont be in the 'need' for someone because they have spent enough time by themselves.

I’ve been single for longer than 6 years. At least there is less of chance of being emotionally entangled with an ex! I think 6 months is quite quick but of course I’m on the other end of the spectrum

100% 6 years. Makes me think the guy has high standards, is independent, confident and self sufficient. All the things I like. 6 months and I’d be thinking he just wants anyone just so he’s not alone.

Thats how my mind works though!

i have been single 6 months, but my previous relationship was 18 months - not married, no kids, didn’t live together. That’s quite different to someone coming out of, for example, a 10 year marriage.

I don’t think someone being single for a number of years is necessarily a red flag. I have been single for 15yrs, and dated one guy in that time (in last couple of years). That was because i’m a single parent and prioritised raising my DC. Guy i’ve dated (kind of still am, casually) was single for 5yrs, because he is a single dad who has his DC 100% of the time. I would see it as a green flag if anything, as he is putting his DC first, as I did. Like everything in life, it depends on the context.

I'm in my late thirties and have been single for 19 years and never had a boyfriend so I don't think anyone has more authority on the long-term single than me....opp 🤣

Apparently on MN that very fact alone makes me walking bucket of red flags but I couldn't give a damn. I see horrifically dysfunctional people in relationships all the time!

Depends on the chemistry.

I remember being told by a family member years ago that you should wait a year after a break up before dating again as you are vulnerable without even realising, I scoffed at the time, saying I wasn’t wearing widow’s weeds, but actually many years later I think they were right. So I’d avoid the six months. Six years is nothing, my DH had been single a decade before me but wasn’t set in his ways, he just had been sensibly cautious following a difficult break up and then stopped looking. It happens when you least expect it at times lol.

I don't think it really matters. Someone can be single for 6 months but may have been dealing with the breakdown of their relationship for 2 years before that as they got the confidence to leave.
Someone who is single for 6 years may be at the point that they are so lonely that they'll accept anyone.
It's all personality dependent on who they are, how they process things, what they are looking for etc.
For note I'm single almost 3 years now but it took me a long time to leave my marriage. I'm a very considered and reflective personality type so I think id be fine to date at 6 months or 6 years post breakup.

I'd be more wary of someone who had never had a relationship at all or a long term one (at my age: 40). And that's not that I wouldn't date them, but I'd be conscious that I'd want to see that they were aware of what it involves. I don't want to have to teach them how to be in one.

Neither of those things are red flags, good grief. That term has become wildly overused by people who can't stop second-guessing and overthinking about perfectly standard life events and personality traits.

If you can't figure out that the answer depends on the individual and their individual circumstances rather than a blanket rule based on nothing important at all, you shouldn't be dating.

@gannett I completely understand it is and should be based on the individual person but having boundaries like the one I'm questioning does not mean that I am not ready to date. It's not something I over think in the slightest, it's a flat out no the second a person says they are recently single. The intentions on my post wasn't for advice or opinions on what I should do, it's an interest in what others would choose based on their own experience. The situation isn't a real, current dilemma. Nor was it made to invite judgement or criticism for having a personal preference.

For me, it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. However after seeing threads on here where the view is generally that the long term single are also the devil, I was looking at opinions and experiences on this scenario to see if maybe it is a boundary I could reassess. After all, I can only judge my flags on my own dating history and wants in a person, same with many others.

When I met my partner online I’d been single for about 2 months (shortish relationship) and he’d been single for many years. He’d had a difficult and very short first marriage and believed he was never going to meet anyone. We work so well together and I’m so glad we found each other